Reminders & Affirmations

• Feelings will not kill me

• Feelings are temporary and will pass eventually

• I accept myself unconditionally/completely

• I love myself unconditionally/completely

• I love myself even when others don’t love or accept me

• This part of me deserves to be understood and seen

• I deserve to have healthy relationships with people who care for me

• I can ask for what I need

• I am worthy of a lot of things

• I am worthy of respect

• I am worthy of love

• I am enough without having to do anything

• Because I exist, I am enough

• My self esteem is not dependent on others’ approval

Validation & Self Compassion

• Given what I’ve been through, it makes sense independence is important to me

• I know I can get overwhelmed and I will give myself space when needed

• When I need space, I can ask for it or tell others I need space

• It is okay to be imperfect and make mistakes

• Perfection does not exist

• I forgive myself for past actions

When Feeling Unsafe (And You Are Physically Safe In The Moment)

• I am physically safe as I look around my room/house/etc.

  • I can close the doors in my house

  • I can close my windows

  • I can lock my front and back door

  • I can check to see if I am physically safe in the current moment

• In this moment at (time), I am physically safe

• I can take care of myself

• I have taken care of myself for years and throughout my life

• I can ask for help

• I have power, agency, and choice

• I have the choice to do what I want in this moment

When Painful Experiences Occur

• Feeling my feelings are unpleasant AND they will not kill me (they are just uncomfortable)

• When someone doesn’t like me, I can like myself

  • I am learning to like myseof

  • It’s an ongoing process for me to like myself

  • It’s really hard and I am working on liking myself

• Not being liked by everyone is okay

  • I am learning not being liked by everyone is okay

  • It’s an ongoing process to be okay not being liked by everyone

  • It’s really hard and I am working on not being liked by everyone

• Not everyone will like me and this is okay

• It’s impossible to be liked by everyone

• When I say no, I can say yes to someone and/or something else

• This person did not appreciate my honesty AND it is not representative of who I am AND everyone else in the world

• I am suffering in this moment. I am in pain. I want to treat myself as I would a good friend, family member, and/or pet.

• This is a moment of suffering for me. I am feeling overwhelmed and in pain. I am doing the best I can with what I have.

Add Qualifiers

If the above phrases are difficult to say in your head or out loud, you can add a qualifier such as:

• “I am learning more…”

• “It’s really hard and I’m trying to…”

• “I’m doing the best I can right now…”

• “It takes a great deal for me to…”

• “At least I am…”

• “I sort of believe…”

• “I kind of believe…”

• “I want to believe…”

Remind Yourself Feelings Are Temporary

• A feeling will not last forever, even when it feels like it will.

• Feelings give us data and information, just like our thoughts.

• When we avoid our feelings, short-term, it feels comfortable. However, long-term this avoidance creates more suffering and discomfort. This is more unnatural because avoidance of something natural will usually create more problems long-term.

• When we allow ourselves to feel our emotions, this is a more natural experience which will help us people please less because we are focused on our own internal experience versus focusing on external experiences like other people.

• To better stay with and process your emotion to completion, click here to learn more about Riding the Waves from DBT.

Tips

1. Understand your personal triggers that activate your avoidant tendencies/strategies/skills

2. How do you feel when you are activated and/or triggered?

3. What do you need to hear/see/etc. when triggered and activated? What feels good and safe? Are there certain smells, sounds, sights, people, etc. that help you feel better?

4. How can you take good care of yourself if you are triggered or activated? How would you treat a good friend or family member you love and trust?

5. How long does it take for you to usually to decrease activation and feel more regulated when triggered?

6. Do you let others know when you are triggered or activated? If so, how? If not, what gets in the way? What makes assertive communication challenging/difficult?

7. How much have you grown and changed from the last 1 year? The last 2 years? Are you more aware of certain patterns? Does it take you a shorter amount of time to regulate yourself after being triggered? Are you more okay with conflict, ruptures, and misunderstandings?

8. How much farther do you still have to grow and change? What is still hard or challenging?

9. Who keeps you accountable? Your therapist? Close friend? Coach? Etc.