What Is Betrayal Trauma?
What Is Betrayal Trauma?
A situation when people or institutions on which a person relies for protection, resources, and survival violate the trust or well-being of that person.
Types of Betrayal Trauma
Infidelity
Affairs
Deception and lying
Gambling and/or problematic behavior
Talking about a partner behind their back
Receiving most of your emotional support from someone else besides your partner
The pain of being cheated on and lied to is overwhelmingly painful. Will the pain ever end?
Post Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD)
Psychologist Dennis Ortman coined PISD in his book. While PISD is not an official diagnosis in the DSM, it can be a helpful way for those impacted by betrayal trauma to make sense of their experiences.
Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma & Impacts of Infidelity & Betrayal
Symptoms of betrayal trauma are very similar to PTSD.
Emotional reactivity
Hypervigilance
Sleep
Intrusive memories and images
Rumination (going over thoughts over and over again)
Rage
Grief and loss
Anxiety
Depression
Humiliation
Difficulty focusing/concentrating
Impacts on self-esteem
Shock and surprise
How Betrayal Trauma Shows Up In Your Relationship
Communication breakdown
Not communicating at all (surface level communication)
Feelings of anger, guilt, shame, sadness
Gaslighting
Manipulation
Your First Relationship Ended, Let’s Heal & Begin Your Second Relationship
Relationships are inherently risky. We cannot control other people (nor should we be able to). The goal of relationships are to practice interdependence (not codependency, counter decadence, or independence).
When trust is broken, it can be restored through time, patience, effort, action, and healing.
For The Betrayed Partner: How Can I Trust My Partner Again?
Wondering if you want or can forgive your partner (and yourself)
Risking that you might be opening yourself to vulnerability and being hurt again in the future
Wondering if this relationship is “worth it” or to just give up and end it
Making space for your emotions and learning to regulate them
Curiosity and perhaps rumination around all the unspoken possibilities pre and post betrayal (“Why did this happen? Was it because of me? What does this all mean? Did you think about me and our family when you betrayed me?”)
The core message here is:
Do you know and feel my pain?
Is it too much for you?
Or can you handle it and sit with me in it?
Please acknowledge my pain and validate me.
For The Betrayer: How Can I Forgive Myself?
Accepting and tolerating your partner’s overwhelming (rightfully so) emotions
Accountability and facing up to your responsibilities that you hurt someone you love and cares about
Regaining your partner’s trust
Unpacking and exploring shame (“I am bad”)
Curiosity and perhaps rumination around all the unspoken possibilities pre and post betrayal (“Why did I betray? What’s wrong with me?”)
The core message here is: I hear you. I’m listening. What I did hurt you and it pains me to see you in this much pain AND I will sit with you in this. I will tolerate my own discomfort and pain because you matter to me. Let’s work on this together as I earn more of your trust back.
How Therapy For Betrayal Trauma Can Help
Acknowledging the wrongdoing/taking responsibility for your behaviors
Making space for all your emotions
Outlining your emotional cycle
Validation of your experiences (validation does not mean agreement, it means acceptance)
When Therapy Cannot Or Isn’t Helpful For Betrayal Trauma:
When one partner doesn’t want to attend couples/relationship therapy
When there is active domestic violence of any sort (emotional, psychological, physical, sexual abuse)
When there is active infidelity occurring
When one partner has already given up and does not want to work issues out and try to heal/recover from the past
When one partner believes once trust is broken, it can never be repaired and healed
Trauma Resources
Looking for more trauma resources? Click here for a list of evidenced based trauma therapies, books, and workbooks.