Signs You Were Raised By Emotionally Immature Parents
Signs You Were Raised By Emotionally Immature Parents/Caregivers
They don’t respect your boundaries
They lack self-awareness and reflectivity (unable or unwilling to)
They don’t utilize assertive communication and rely on passive, passive aggressive, and/or aggressive communication
They give you ongoing unsolicited feedback and advice even when you’ve told them to stop
They try to control your behaviors, actions, beliefs, and thoughts
They tend to judge/criticize/demand/guilt you
You are parentified
The roles reversed. You were the parent. Your parent was the child.
Your parents used you for emotional and physical support
You were overly mature for your young age
They want you to read their mind
They don’t appreciate disagreements
They rarely apologize
They rarely resolve conflicts and disagreements
They were defensive was you disagreed with them or pointed out something was incorrect
They didn’t pay attention to you unless something was urgently wrong with you like health issues (illness, sickness) or educational issues (getting into trouble, detention, negative feedback from teachers)
They overreacted to ordinary situations and commonplace experiences
They don’t reflect on their portion of a conflict/disagreement/issue and tend to blame/criticize/externalize to others
They lack the ability to manage their feelings when overwhelmed
They lack the ability to attune and validate you (e.g. empathy)
They are reactive rather than reflective and tend to act out their feelings
They throw tantrums and act like a petulant child when things don’t go their way
They must be the center of attention
They seek constant attention and validation to feel good about themselves
You feel lonely around them
You feel anxious, scared, and/or uneasy around them (walking on eggshells)
You feel like you’re in a one-sided relationship (not mutual or reciprocal)
You’re usually the first one to repair after a disagreement or conflict (they rarely do)
What is Emotional Neglect?
Childhood emotional neglect is a failure of parents or caregivers to respond to a child’s emotional needs. This type of neglect in childhood can have harmful consequences into adulthood.
A parent may fulfill the child’s physical needs such as a home, clothing and food, as well as their educational needs; however fail to support their child emotionally, leading to the child’s inability to develop healthy emotions later in life.
The child may believe that since parents ignored emotions such as anger and sadness, this means that their emotions do not matter or are unacceptable.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
“Another form of neglect occurs when emotionally immature parents give such superficial comfort that they aren’t at all helpful to a scared child. One woman remembered that whenever she was scared as a child, she knew she would have to get through it on her own. When I asked whether she remembered ever getting help with her fears, she said, “That feels like a foreign idea to me. It would be nice to know someone understands, but I never felt that way. I don’t remember anyone being able to help with the fears I was having. They just said generic things, like ‘Oh, you’re going to be fine,’ ‘It’s going to be okay,’ or ‘There’s no need to feel that way; you’ll feel better soon.”
“If you were neglected by emotionally immature parents during childhood, you may find yourself willing to put up with unsolicited analysis and unwanted advice from others. This is common among people who are hungry for personal feedback that shows someone is thinking about them. But this kind of “advice” isn’t nourishing attention; rather, it’s motivated by a desire to be in control.”
“If parents don’t label their own behavior as abusive, their child won’t label it that way either. Even as adults, many people have no idea that what happened to them in childhood was abusive. As a result, they may not recognize abusive behavior in their adult relationships.”
“For emotionally immature people, all interactions boil down to the question of whether they’re good people or bad ones, which explains their extreme defensiveness if you try to talk to them about something they did. They often respond to even mild complaints about their behavior with an extreme statement, like “Well, then, I must be the worst mother ever!” or “Obviously I can’t do anything right!” They would rather shut down communication than hear something that could make them feel like bad people.”
“The most painful interactions with emotionally immature parents occur when their children need something from them. Whether it’s attention, love, or communication, many neglected children continue to seek some kind of positive emotional regard from their parents well into adulthood, even though their parents aren’t the giving type.”
Read more about the book here.
Common Statements Emotionally Immature Parents/Caregivers Say
“I wish you were never born”
“I should’ve never had you”
“I wish you weren’t my child”
“I don’t love you”
“You’re so stupid”
“You’re so dumb”
“You don’t amount to anything”
“You should do what I tell you to do”
Common Feelings From Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Anger
Frustration
Rage
Indignation
Confusion
Sadness
Grief
Anxiety
Worry
Guilt
Navigating Emotionally Immature Parents In Older Age/As You Grow Up
Become educated on the literature and research on emotionally immature parents, childhood emotional neglect, childhood abuse, trauma, inner child, reparenting, adult attachment styles, etc.
Acknowledge you grew up with emotionally immature parents
Educate yourself on what intergenerational and generational trauma is
Read my blog post on generational trauma here
Read books and articles on childhood emotional neglect and abuse
Listen to podcasts and shows on childhood emotional neglect and abuse
Become self-aware about your own patterns/dynamics/tendencies as a result of your experiences
Identify your triggers
Learn ways to manage your triggers
Take physical distance from your parent as needed and as often as necessary to minimize pain and suffering
Take emotional distance from your parent as needed and as often as necessary to minimize pain and suffering
Assert your personal boundaries to them
Acknowledge the challenges, difficulties, loneliness, pain, and suffering around growing up and having an emotionally immature parent
Allow yourself to name, feel, and process all of your feelings (instead of shutting them down)
Allow yourself to have and feel a variety of feelings (sometimes at odds with each other)
Allow yourself to feel your grief and loss
Allow yourself to feel your rage, anger, frustration, irritability, and indignation
Learn how to regulate your emotions when overwhelmed
Allow yourself to share your thoughts and stories (instead of internalizing them)
Learn ways to self soothe/take care of yourself when overwhelmed/stressed/under pressure
Anticipate they will engage in unhealthy behaviors and actions
Remind yourself it’s not about you, but them
Remind yourself it’s not 100% your fault
Remind yourself who you are, your goals, your values, etc.
Surround yourself with loving, healthy, supportive, and mutual relationships
Ask loving people in your life about how they see you as a person
Learn to accept compliments, even if it’s uncomfortable
Learn to take up space in the world
Learn to ask for what you want and need in relationships
Learn to be okay with not having answers, uncertainty, ambiguity, and the unknown
Attend a support group for adult children of dysfunctional families
Tend to your inner child
Practice self compassion
Engage in hobbies that increase your sense of self-efficacy and mastery
Ask for help when you need it
Seek professional help when you need it from a therapist
Take good care of yourself
Breaking The Cycle of Trauma
From Lindsay Gibon’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
"In this book, our mission is not to disrespect or betray your parents, but to finally see them objectively"
"It seems that many... parents never had a supportive or emotionally intimate connection with their own parents, so they developed tough defenses to survive their own emotional loneliness early in life"
"If you don't have a basic sense of who you are as a person, you can't learn how to emotionally engage with other people on a deep level"
Reparenting Affirmations From Pete Walker’s Healing From CPTSD
I particularly like these affirmations from Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving.
I am so glad you were born.
You are a good person.
I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side.
You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad.
You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection.
All of your feelings are okay with me.
I am always glad to see you.
It is okay for you to be angry and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are.
You can make mistakes - they are your teachers.
You can know what you need and ask for help. You can have your own preferences and tastes.
You are a delight to my eyes.
You can choose your own values.
You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone.
You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers.
I am very proud of you.