What is Attachment?

• Attachment is all about how we connect and bond with the important people in our lives, like our parents or caregivers.

What is Avoidant Attachment?

• It's a way of relating to others that some people develop based on their early experiences. 

• People with an avoidant attachment style often find it hard to trust others and to let themselves get too close emotionally. This doesn't mean they don't want connection or love, but they may be afraid of being hurt or rejected.

• It's important to remember that this attachment style is not something people choose; it's a way they learned to cope based on their past experiences.

What Do People With Avoidant Attachment Styles Struggle With?

• Discomfort with vulnerability (fears relying on others)

• Discomfort with intimacy (may struggle with getting too attached or push others away to protect themselves) 

• Being open with their inner world (thoughts, feelings, desires) and tend to be more closed off 

• Share and express their feelings with others (tend to keep feeling to themselves and deal with things themselves)

Avoidant Attachment Triggers

• Intimacy and Vulnerability: Opening up and sharing deep emotions can trigger feelings of discomfort or fear, leading them to withdraw or distance themselves from others.

• Fear of Rejection: This fear can arise from past experiences where they felt abandoned or dismissed, making them hesitant to seek closeness or express their needs. The fear of being rejected can be a powerful trigger that affects their willingness to engage in relationships.

• Perceived Loss of Independence: Avoidant individuals value their independence and self-sufficiency. Anything that threatens their sense of autonomy or freedom can trigger anxiety or discomfort. They may perceive certain situations or commitments as limitations on their independence, causing them to withdraw or create emotional distance.

• Intense Emotional Situations: When faced with conflict, emotional demands, or strong expressions of feelings, they may feel overwhelmed and respond by withdrawing or shutting down. These situations can trigger a fear of losing control or becoming emotionally entangled.

• Excessive Demands for Closeness: While all relationships require a certain level of closeness, avoidantly attached individuals can feel overwhelmed by excessive demands for emotional connection or dependency. Feeling suffocated or trapped by such expectations can trigger their avoidance behaviors as a way to protect themselves from perceived emotional engulfment.

So…How Can I Heal From Avoidant Attachment Style?

Education On Avoidant Attachment

• Avoidant attachment is a pattern of relating to others that stems from early life experiences. 

• It typically develops when a child's emotional needs are consistently neglected or met with rejection. 

• As a result, the child learns to cope by suppressing their emotions and avoiding close relationships. 

• In adulthood, this attachment style can make it challenging to trust and rely on others, often leading to isolation and emotional distance.

Willingness & Motivation For Change

• The first step in healing from avoidant attachment is recognizing there is a need for change. 

• Acknowledge your fear of intimacy and emotional vulnerability is holding you back from experiencing fulfilling relationships. 

• It takes courage to confront these patterns, but remember that you deserve love and connection.

Asking For Help & Seeking Support

• Healing from avoidant attachment is not a journey you have to undertake alone. 

• Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide support and guidance. 

• Consider therapy as a valuable tool to explore the root causes of your attachment style and learn healthy ways to form and maintain relationships.

• Other options outside of therapy: coaching, groups, 

Become More Self Aware & Reflective 

• Building self-awareness is a crucial aspect of healing from avoidant attachment. 

• Take the time to reflect on your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. 

• Ask yourself why you might be avoiding closeness or suppressing your emotions. 

• By understanding your patterns, you can begin to challenge and change them.

Increase Vulnerability 

• Vulnerability can be scary, especially for those with avoidant attachment. However, it is essential to learn how to open up emotionally to create deeper connections. 

• Ways of increasing vulnerability include:

  • Asking for help

  • Receiving help

  • Sharing thoughts

  • Sharing feelings

  • Journaling your thoughts and feelings

  • Allowing yourself to feel your emotions (rather than pushing them down through methods like intellectualization, rationalizing, compartmentalization)

• Gradually, you can work your way toward more significant emotional disclosures.

Increase Trust

• Trust is the foundation of healthy relationships. 

• If you struggle with trust due to past experiences, remind yourself that not everyone will hurt you in the same way. 

• Give people the benefit of the doubt and gradually build trust over time. Remember, trust is a two-way street, so be trustworthy yourself.

• Practical ways to increase trust:

  • Understand where your mistrust came from

  • Understand who/what types of people broke your trust growing up and throughout your life

  • Listening to yourself such as your emotions, sensations, feelings, instincts, and/or gut feeling

  • Understanding your own personal boundaries

  • Asserting your personal boundaries

Practice Consistency 

• Consistency helps maintain growth and changes.

• By consistently doing the work (doing the steps above, as well as seeking professional help and/or talking to friends), it encourages accountability and commitment to healing.

• Consistency also helps develop deep insight and understanding of why you do what you do (patterns) and ways to interrupt these patterns that may not serve you anymore.

Patience 

• It’s important to remember that you deserve love and connection. 

• It's okay to take things slow and gradually let people in. Building healthy relationships takes time and practice. 

• Learning to trust and be vulnerable can be challenging, but with patience and support, it's possible.

Expect Relapse 

• The healing journey is never linear and relapse is part of the work.

• You will have great days. You will have terrible days. Think of the journey and what your long-term goals and values are.

Take Good Care Of Yourself

• Remember to take time for yourself and do things that nourish and satisfy you because healing is hard work.

Is It Possible To Heal From Avoidant Attachment Style?

• Yes, it’s absolutely possible to move from an insecure attachment style to a more secure attachment style.

• Attachment styles are on a continuum so they are flexible and nuanced. They will change based on who we are around, the environment we are in, and other complex factors.

• Through self-awareness, active change, patience, persistence, practice, consistency, developing self compassion, and seeking help, you can have more satisfying relationships with yourself and others.

Do I Have To Heal From Avoidant Attachment Style?

• No, of course not.

• You are in charge of yourself and do not “have” to do anything you don’t want to do.

• We use skills/tools/strategies that work for us (adaptive) until perhaps one day they won’t work as effectively for us as they previously did (maladaptive).

• Some people do not change their skills/tools/strategies throughout their lives because it works for them and aligns with the life they want and aspire for.

• Try avoiding demanding/judgemental words like “have”, “should”, “need” and instead focus on your personal goals and values.

• Do you want to heal from avoidant attachment style?

• Would it be nice to have a more secure attachment style?

• Imagine what it would be like to have a variety of options and skills to utilize in your daily life rather than relying solely on avoidant strategies.

• Ultimately, you get to decide if you want to alter/change the strategies that work for you.