Self Reliance

• If you grew up experiencing repeated negative/adverse events, you may have developed the belief that you can control others or future events related to others (including people in power).

• If you had prior positive experiences in your relationships with others and in relation
  to powerful others, you may have come to believe that you could influence others.

• The traumatic event may shatter this belief because you were unable to exert enough control, despite your best efforts, to prevent the event.

Common statements when someone is still stuck from traumatic experiences:

• “People will always try to control you.”

• “There is no point in even trying to fight against authority.”

• “This event just proves that people have too much power over me.”

• “I have control over everything that I do and say, as well as over the actions of others,”

• “Because I can’t be completely in control, I might as well be out of control.”

• “The traumatic event wouldn’t have happened if I had had better control over it.”

• “I need to be perfect to be in control.”

• “If I lose complete control over my emotions, something bad will happen.”

Common statements when traumatic experiences are processed and actively worked on:

• “I cannot control all events outside myself, but I do have some control over what happens to me and my reactions to events.”

• “I can try to notice all the little things I have control over in my life, and I can practice taking control over more things in my life that are important to me.”

• “Even though I cannot always get everything I want in a relationship, I do have the ability to influence others by standing up assertively for my rights and asking for what I want.”

• “Even though I may not get everything I want or need out of a relationship, I can assert myself and ask for it. A good relationship is one in which power is balanced between both people. If I am not allowed any control, I can exert my control in this relationship by ending it, if necessary.”

• “I can learn to let others have some of the power in a relationship, and even enjoy having others take responsibility for some of the things that need to be done.”

Common Statements Of How Hyper Independence & Counter Dependency Shows Up In Relationships

• High levels of criticisms and judgements (toward self and toward others)

• Fear of abandonment

• Fear of being too much

• Needing a lot of space (physical, emotional)

• Fear of losing autonomy/independence

• Fear of not having choices/options

• Difficulty with emotions and sensations (Awareness, naming, feeling, processing)

• Feeling like you owe someone if they give you something

• Wanting to end relationships/friendships quickly

• Rationalizing, intellectualization, etc. as ways to make sense of things and process experiences

• Difficulty receiving support and help from others

• “I’ll just do it myself”

• “I don’t need anyone”

• “It’s hard to really trust people”

• “I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I have to rely on someone because they’ll disappoint you eventually”

• “I’ll never allow myself to fully be vulnerable with someone else again after being betrayed”

• “I can trust people up to a certain point”

• “

What is Hyperindependence?

• When someone tries to do everything on their own and never asks for help, even when they really need it.

• They might feel like they should handle everything by themselves and worry that asking for help makes them weak.

• This can make things harder for them and can sometimes cause them to feel stressed or lonely.

• Asking for help is normal, okay, and makes life transitions and adjustments easier.

What is Counter-dependency?

• When someone avoids getting close to others or asking for help because they’re afraid of relying on anyone.

• They might feel like they need to be completely self-sufficient and push people away.

• This can make it hard for them to build strong, supportive relationships.

What Type of Trauma Results In Hyper Independence?

• Relational, interpersonal, or attachment trauma

  • Sexual abuse

  • Rape and sexual assault

  • Childhood abuse

  • Childhood neglect

  • Emotional neglect

  • Bullying

  • Sudden loss/abandonment

  • Foster care

  • Growing up in poverty

  • Growing up with community violence

  • Growing up with a parent with untreated mental health issues and/or substance use issues

  • Systemic traumas like racism, sexism, classism, ableism, etc.

  • And more

How Does Hyper Independence Help Survivors of Trauma?

• Serves as a survival skill for painful experiences (usually interpersonal traumas, meaning in relationship)

• Coping with life experiences

• Out of necessity due to adverse experiences where nobody offered support, help, guidance, etc.

• Having to take care of yourself at an early age

How Hyper Independence Develops

• Physically absent caregiver/parent

• Emotionally absent caregiver/parent

• Punished for having emotional needs

• Ignored for having emotional needs

What Hyper independence Looks Like

• Difficulty asking for help

• Difficulty trusting others

• Trouble expressing feelings

• Trouble expressing boundaries

• Perfectionism

• Over functioning

• Fatigue and tired

• High need for independence and personal space

• Difficulty forming and sustaining relationships

• Difficulty providing emotional support to others

Common Negative Core Beliefs

• I am not safe

• I am a bad person

• I cannot get what I need

• I have to be in control to be safe

• It’s unsafe to be close

• It’s not safe to rely or depend on others

• Everyone I love leaves me

How Hyper Independence Shows Up In Relationships

• Seeks to control (self and/or others)

• Black and white/binary thinking

• Difficulty maintaining eye contact

• Difficulty forming and sustaining relationships

• Desires physical distance

• Difficulty trusting

• Difficulty accepting goodness and happiness

• Assumes others motives are bad/negative

How Do I Heal From Hyper Independence?

• Reparenting Yourself

• Mindfulness & The Here & Now

• Expressing Yourself

• Grief & Mourning

• Self Compassion

• Start Small

• Practice Patience

• Seek Support

• Talk To Trusted People

• Seek Out Professional Help