Low Self Esteem & Sense of Self

• Beliefs in your own worth. Such beliefs are a basic human need. Being understood, respected, and taken seriously is basic to the development of self-esteem.

• If you experienced neglect and/or trauma, this impacted your self-esteem negatively.

• If you had prior experiences that made you doubt your own worth, this can lead to negative beliefs about the self including

  • 1) Believing other people’s negative statements about you

  • 2) Receiving little caring or support from others

  • 3) Being criticized or blamed by others, even when things were not your fault

Common statements when someone is still stuck from traumatic experiences:

• “People are basically uncaring, indifferent, and only out for themselves.”

• “People are bad, evil, or malicious.”

• “Large parts of the human race [e.g., all men, all government officials] are bad, evil, or malicious.”

• “I am bad, destructive, or evil.”

• “I am responsible for bad, destructive, or evil acts.”

• “I am basically damaged or flawed.”

• “Because I am worthless, I deserve unhappiness and suffering.”

Common statements when traumatic experiences are processed and actively worked on:

• “Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Just because someone says something bad about me, that does not make it true. No one deserves this, and that includes me. Even if I have made mistakes
  in the past, that does not make me a bad person deserving of unhappiness or suffering (including the traumatic event).”

• “Sometimes bad things happen to good people. If something bad happens to me, it is not necessarily because I did something to cause it or because I deserved it. Sometimes there is not a good explanation for why
  bad things happen. I might have been the occasion, but not the cause of the event.”

• While some people in power will abuse their power, not all people in power are out to hurt others.”

• While some [members of a particular group] do bad things, not all [members of this group] are out to hurt me.”

• “Although there are people I do not respect and do not wish to know, I cannot assume this about every new person I meet. I may come to this conclusion later, but it will be after I have learned more about this person.”

• “People sometimes make mistakes. I will try to find out whether they understand it was
  a mistake or whether it reflects a negative pattern that will continue from that person. At that point, I can end the relationship if it is something I cannot accept.”

Examples of How Low Self Esteem Shows Up In Relationships

• Needing consistent, ongoing validation that seems to never be enough

• Devaluing yourself

• Disrespecting yourself

  • Lying to yourself

  • Putting yourself last

  • Not taking good care of yourself

  • Putting others first

  • Not asking for help and being hyper self-reliant

  • Over explaining

  • And more

• Feelings of guilt

• Shame (“I am bad”)

• Feelings of inadequacy

• Anxiety and rumination

• Depression

• Fear and panic

• Projection of insecurities onto your partner

  • “You’re cheating on me…”

  • “I think you’re angry at me…”

  • And more

• Black and white/binary or catastrophic thinking

  • I hate you

  • I love you

  • I’m bad

  • You’re good

  • I always do X

  • You always do X

  • You never do X

  • I never do X

  • And more

• Asking others consistently if:

  • They are lying to you

  • If they are talking about you

  • If they are angry toward you

  • If you did something wrong

• Sabotage and getting in your own way

• Fear of losing people and abandonment

• Self victimizing

• Learned helplessness

  • A state that occurs after a person has experienced a stressful situation repeatedly. They believe that they are unable to control or change the situation, so they do not try, even when opportunities for change are available.

• And more

How Can I Increase My Self Esteem?

• Self efficacy

  • Self-efficacy refers to an individual's belief in their capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments

• Do things that you are good at (mastery and competency)

• Learn to receive compliments from others

• Learn to receive realistic appraisals from others

• Asking trusted friends and family for realistic appraisal/feedback about how they perceive you

• Celebrate wins, growth, and positive changes

• Practice patience

• Practice self compassion

• Try new things you aren’t good at and learn to be okay being imperfect (start small and slow)

• Be more comfortbale with ambiguity and not knowing everything

• Be more comfortable with your feelings and sensations (awareness, name your emotions and sensations, feel your emotions and sensations, process your emotions and sensations, share your emotions and sensations with others)

• Seek out professional help of some sort (support group, licensed therapist, etc.)