Symptoms of Childhood Emotional Neglect & Trauma

Someone who…

• Judges themselves more harshly than they judge others

• Has trouble knowing what they’re feeling

• Secretly feeling there’s something wrong with you (I”m not normal”)

• Feels consistently empty inside

• Is hyper vigilant  

  • Flinches or jumps at loud noises or someone coming up to them without announcement/unexpectedly 

  • Views the world in a negative light to an extreme 

  • Constantly on edge

  • Fearful about something bad happening

• Is very independent and self-reliant to a fault 

  • Learned not to trust others

  • Others were unsafe and dangerous 

  • Others would let you down and fail you

• Difficulties with boundaries 

  • Has porous boundaries and others take advantage of them 

  • Difficulty saying no

  • Wants others to like them

  • Fears conflict and tension

• Has addiction and substance use issues

• Hoards items and money, even if they are secure and safe now as an adult

• Laughs at everything (especially things that aren’t funny and painful) 

• Symptoms of depression and anxiety 

  • Extremely anxious and worried 

  • Finds life hopeless

  • Feels easily overwhelmed

• Unable to remember large parts of their childhood 

• Difficulty in relationships 

  • Over apologizes for everything and is afraid to take up space 

  • Self isolates and avoids 

  • Yearns for validation and people pleases 

  • Seeks constant attention and finds this as a way to feel good about themselves

  • Who is overly helpful, accommodating, thoughtful

  • Has a low sense of Self and finds it hard to believe and trust in themself 

• Is extremely emotionally intelligent and picks up on everything

  • Nonverbal communication, faces, tone of voice

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

Childhood emotional neglect is a failure of parents or caregivers to respond to a child’s emotional needs. This type of neglect in childhood can have harmful consequences into adulthood.

A parent may fulfill the child’s physical needs such as a home, clothing and food, as well as their educational needs; however fail to support their child emotionally, leading to the child’s inability to develop healthy emotions later in life.

The child may believe that since parents ignored emotions such as anger and sadness, this means that their emotions do not matter or are unacceptable.

Characteristics of emotionally neglectful parents:

• Selfish or self-involved parents

• Put their own needs first

• Cannot validate their child’s own personality

• Expect to be praised by their child

• Energy taken up by life struggles and transitions (divorce, loss, single parent)

• Parents who were emotionally neglected as children

“But if there is an absence of such validation of a child’s importance to the parent, if a child is made to feel shame for wanting or needing attention from one parent or the other often enough, she will grow up being blind to many of her own emotional needs.”

— Jonice Webb, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

What is Childhood Trauma?

Child abuse is harm or risk of harm caused to a child by a parent, caretaker or another person responsible for the child’s safety.

This can include:

• Physical abuse

• Neglect

• Emotional abuse

• Sexual abuse

Children who have experienced traumatic events need to feel safe and loved. Not every child who experiences a traumatic event will develop symptoms of traumatic stress.

Whether or not you do depends on a range of factors including:

• History of previous trauma exposure, because children who have experienced prior traumas are more likely to develop symptoms after a recent event

• An individual child’s mental and emotional strengths and weaknesses

• What kind of support they have at home and elsewhere

“When a child’s emotions are not acknowledged or validated by her parents, she can grow up to be unable to do so for herself. As an adult, she may have little tolerance for intense feelings or for any feelings at all. She might bury them, and tend to blame herself for being angry, sad, nervous, frustrated, or even happy. The natural human experience of simply having feelings becomes a source of secret shame. “What is wrong with me?” is a question she may often ask herself.”

— Jonice Webb, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

What Can Cause Childhood Trauma?

• Abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional)

• Neglect

• Witnessing harm to a loved one or pet (e.g., domestic or community violence)

• Unpredictable parental behavior due to addiction or mental illness

• Bullying

• Natural disasters or accidents

• Alcohol/substance abuse, current or past, addictive behaviours

• Separations from parents or caregivers

• Experience of intergenerational abuse/trauma

• Compounded or unresolved experiences of loss and grief

• Chaotic household/lifestyle/problem gambling

• Poverty, financial hardship, unemployment

• Social isolation (family, extended family, community and cultural isolation)

• Inadequate housing/transience/homelessness

• Disadvantaged community

• Racism

• Discrimination, oppression, and violence

• Recent refugee experience

“The art of not experiencing feelings. A child can experience her feelings only when there is somebody there who accepts her fully, understands her, and supports her. If that person is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother’s love of her substitute in order to feel, then she will repress emotions.
”

— Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self

Parentification

Parentification is when the roles are reversed between a child and a parent (the child becomes the parent, the parent comes the child). It is a form of mental abuse and boundary violation. 

Some causes of parentification can include:

• Divorce or separation

• Death of a parent or sibling

• Alcoholism or drug addiction of one or both parents

• Chronic disease or disability of one or both parents, or a sibling

• Mental illness in a parent/parents or sibling

• Physically abusive relationship between parents

• Physically or sexually abusive parent/child relationship

• Having immature, emotionally unavailable or depressed parents

Examples of Parentification

• Burdening the child with intimate emotions and worries

• Punishing the child when she does not respond to emotional pleas for help with attunement and sympathy

• Silent treatment for ‘failing’ the parent

• Revealing details / complaining about other members of the family, with the expectation of support and allegiance

• Disclosing sexual detail and information about themselves or their sex life

• Forcing the child to take on household duties and responsibilities

“Without realizing that the past is constantly determining their present actions, they avoid learning anything about their history. They continue to live in their repressed childhood situation, ignoring the fact that is no longer exists, continuing to fear and avoid dangers that, although once real, have not been real for a long time.”

— Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self

Adult Children of Alcoholics

• Grew up in a chaotic and unstable home

• People Pleasing: Crave acceptance and seek approval from others

• Become compulsive caretakers

• Self Critical: Judge themselves without mercy

• Have difficulty with intimate relationships

• Over-react to changes over which they have no control

• Feel overly responsible for other’s needs, wants, and emotions

• Offering advice and help to others, even when it’s not asked for

• May become codependent

• Difficulties setting and asserting boundaries

• Difficulty knowing what they need and want

• Shame & Loneliness: Difficulty establishing a sense of self (lacks a core sense of self)

“You probably had fantasies about leaving home, about running away, about having it over with, about your alcoholic parent becoming sober and life being fine and beautiful. You began to live in a fairy-tale world, with fantasy and in dreams. You lived a lot on hope, because you didn’t want to believe what was happening. You knew that you couldn’t talk about it with your friends or adults outside your family. Because you believed you had to keep these feelings to yourself, you learned to keep most of your other feelings to yourself. You couldn’t let the rest of the world know what was going on in your home. Who would believe you, anyway?”

— Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition

The Drama Of The Gifted Child

The "drama" of the gifted - i.e., sensitive, alert - child consists of his recognition at a very early age of his parents' needs and of his adaptation to these needs.

In the process, he learns to repress rather than to acknowledge his own intense feelings because they are unacceptable to his parents. Although it will not always be possible to avoid these "ugly" feelings (anger, indignation, despair, jealousy, fear) in the future, they will split off, and the most vital part of the "true self" will not be integrated into the personality.

This leads to emotional insecurity and loss of self, which are revealed in depression or concealed behind the facade of grandiosity.

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”

— Virginia Satir

Childhood Trauma & Emotional Neglect Therapy in Seattle, WA

I am a therapist in Seattle, Washington specializing in working with people recovering from childhood trauma and emotional neglect.

I realize the widespread impact of trauma, understand potential paths for recovery, and realize recovery is possible.

I can help you. I’ve helped many clients dealing with both singular traumatic events as well as complex, repeated, ongoing traumatic experiences. It is possible to heal and recover from trauma, violence, and systemic oppression. 

The next step is to schedule a free consultation to see if we might be a good fit.