Signs Of Codependency and Counter-Dependency
What is Codependency?
Tends to be more in the realm of fearful, pre-occupied, ambivalent, and/or anxious adult attachment style
Appears needy, codependent, and anxious externally
Inwardly values and desires intimacy, closeness, and proximity which manifests through outwardly valuing and desiring closeness, certainty, and control
Tends to have surface level relationships and friendships that rarely seem to deepen due to moving quickly in relationships and putting others needs first before their own
External regulators: Learned to take care of others and sought care and soothing from others (as this was rewarded growing up)
Learned to be a caretaker, people pleaser, and responsible for others in early childhood as a way to get own needs met (as caretakers were unable or unwilling to fulfill these needs)l care taking was rewarded (e.g. adult children of alcoholics, parentified children, emotionally neglected)
Relationship to emotions: Feels deeply and intensely; able to pick up on other’s emotions even before the other person is aware of their own emotions.
Fear of abandonment and rejection (self-sabotage: tends to stay in unhelpful relationships for longer than necessary to avoid pain and suffering)
Fears conflict and tension in relationships and tends to people-please and anticipate other’s needs in order to restore peace and calm
Core beliefs about self: Shame (“I’m not good enough”), Abandonment (“People will eventually leave me”), Enmeshment (“I need others around me all the time; boundaries are blurred”).
Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment & Codependency
Desires closeness, but never enough
Enmeshment & Codependency: “Merges” with other
Fear of abandonment and rejection
Clings and criticizes
Cautious about depending on others
Difficulty feeling comforted
Pursuing to almost aggression to obtain a response
What is Counter Dependency?
Tends to be more in the realm of fearful, dismissive, ambivalent, and/or avoidant adult attachment style
Appears confident, secure, and successful externally
Inwardly values and desires intimacy, closeness, and proximity, yet fears this and manifests through outwardly valuing and desiring space, logic, and control
Tends to have surface level relationships and friendships that rarely seem to deepen due to fear of intimacy, emotions, and vulnerability
Internal regulators: Learned to regulate their own emotions (as others were unable or unwilling to soothe and regulate their emotions as children)
Learned to be self-reliant in early childhood as a way to get own needs met (as caretakers were unable or unwilling to fulfill these needs); self-reliance was rewarded (e.g. emotionally abused and/or neglected as children, learned to internalize and deny emotions and thoughts).
Overfunctions and appears busy through investing themselves in their career, work, hobbies, and other things to distract themselves from emotions (“Talking about problems doesn’t really do much, let’s try fix or solve problems”)
Relationship to emotions: Believes emotions are unnecessary and tends to minimize, deny, or pushes away emotions in favor of logic and thought (“Expressing emotions and letting others see your weaknesses puts you at a disadvantage”)
Fears conflict and tension in relationships and tends to go away during conflict (leaves the room, isolates self).
Fear of abandonment and rejection (self-sabotage: tends to reject first before others can reject them)
Core beliefs about self: Shame (“I’m not good enough”), Abandonment (“People will eventually leave me”), Punitiveness (“Mistakes are bad”), Mistrust (“People will hurt, abuse, or take advantage of me”).
Avoidant Attachment & Counter Dependency
Restricted emotions and empathy
Comforts self with things, activities, distractions such as exercising, work, food, substances, television, etc.
Addictions and substance use is common
Finds it difficult to share feelings
Difficulty with commitment and intimacy
Suppression of needs and wants
Values distance and space
Disorganized Fearful Attachment & Counter Dependency
Desires closeness, but fears it at the same time so avoids
Merge/Distance Dance: Come closer, get away (paradox)
Fearful of abandonment and rejection
Sabotages closeness and intimacy
Attracted to people who victimize and take advantage of them
No real sharing ability
Overwhelmed by others’ feelings and emotions
Dissociates when in face of strong emotion
Common Codependency & Relationship Issues
Finding yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable people
Finding yourself in the same relationship patterns and cycles (e.g. sabotaging, fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy)
High levels of shame (“I am bad; “I am not enough"; “There is something wrong with me”) impacting ability to receive and give love and affection
Difficulty asking for help
Tends to live in either-or and binary thinking (“I love you”; “I hate you”; “I’m bad”; “I’m good”)
When relationships deepen and become more intimate and vulnerable, tends to avoid and pushes others away (either consciously or unconsciously through self-sabotage of some form)
Difficulty relaxing and enjoying moments in life (high levels of anxiety)
Dislikes spontaneity
Dislikes vulnerability
Fears making mistakes (high expectations and heavy burden of pressure put on both self and others)
Strives for control, certainty, answers, logic, and perfection (uncertainty, not knowing, and the realm of abstract is intolerable and difficult)
Might be sensitive to rejection and criticism (due to high levels of fear, insecurity, and anxiety)
Tends to want others to read their minds and assume what they need or want (rather than asserting honest, open communication)
Resources & Further Reading
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