What If My Partner Doesn’t Want To Go To Couples Therapy?
You Can’t Help Someone Who Doesn’t Want To Get Help
People must make decisions themselves for themselves and something bigger than to please someone
Mandating therapy or forcing someone to go to therapy usually results in poor therapeutic outcomes due to lack of engagement, apathy, frustration, anger, resentment
Why Wouldn’t Someone Want To Go To Therapy?
Previous bad/mediocre/traumatizing/invalidating experiences in therapy
Lack of understanding of what a couples therapist does and does not do
Stigma
Cultural differences and values
Fear of the unknown and uncertainty around what might happen in session
Worry couples therapist will align with their partner
Worry couples therapy will not help in any way
Mistrust
Power imbalance in therapy (therapist holds majority of the power)
Why Do People Avoid Confronting Their Issues?
Because it works for them (until it doesn’t).
This is called maladaptive coping tools/skills. It works for them, but there are negative effects. We all do this to some extent.
It feels good
It’s comfortable
Why Do People Stay In Unhealthy Relationships?
It works for us
Investment
Loyalty
Love
Worry about future prospects of finding another partner and “settling”
Low sense of Self
Fear of being alone
Codependency and wanting to fix/save others
Children
Obligation
Guilt
Manipulation
Abuse
Stages of Change
Most people cycle through these cycles (nonlinear). Regression is normal and to be expected. Nobody is perfect.
Precontemplation
Unsure/doubtful if they have a problem or behavior that needs to change
Example: I don’t need to seek out formal help for my relationship. There’s no problem at all.
Contemplation
Considering they might have a problem, but unsure how to make the change or not yet ready
Example: There might be an issue, but I’m not sure what to do or how to get help
Preparation
Discussing different types of plans to make the change happen. Getting ready to change.
Example: There’s definitely a problem and I’m going to go online and Google how to resolve my relationship issues/conflict
Action
Makes plan toward changing a problem or behavior.
Example: I’m going to find books, podcasts, videos, groups, and maybe a therapist to help me with my relationship issues
Maintenance
Uses strategies/skills/tools to maintain change or behavior.
Example: I’m going to practice active listening, regulating myself when I’m triggered, and taking a break when I feel overwhelmed during my relationship conflicts
Relapse
Returning to past unhelpful behaviors rather than the new changes
Example: We stopped reading books, listening to podcasts, and attending couples therapy, but perhaps we should carve out time to continue working on our relationship
From: Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People to Change Addictive Behavior by Miller & Rollnick
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1991-98398-000
What Can I Do If My Partner Won’t Go To Couples Therapy?
Listen to them
Validate them
Validate yourself
Read books/articles on the topic/issues/concerns
Understand yourself better and what is occurring for you
Work on areas of growth for you
Seek out professional help for yourself (support group, individual therapy)
What Types of Couples/Relationship Support is Available?
Premarital therapy
Couples therapy
Discernment therapy
Couples retreats/workshops
Couples intensives
Questions To Ask
Is there abuse (physical, sexual, verbal, emotional) occurring in my relationship? If so, couples therapy will not be helpful.
What do I get from being in the relationship?
What does my partner get from being in the relationship?
How long have these issues been going on?
What are our agreements?
How do we make agreements?
What are my expectations in a relationship?
When expectations aren’t met, what do I do?
Resources