Common Myths & Misunderstandings of Setting Boundaries

1.  I don’t deserve to get what I want or need

2. If I make a request, this will show that I am a very weak person

3. I have to know whether a person is going to say yes before I make a request

4. If I ask for something or say no, I can’t stand it if someone gets upset with me. 

5. If they say no, it will kill me

6. Making requests is a really pushy (bad, self-centered, selfish, etc.) thing to do

7. Saying no to a request is always a selfish thing to do

8. I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others

9. I must be really inadequate if I can’t fix this myself

10. Obviously, the problem is just in my head. If I would just think differently I wouldn’t have to bother everybody else

11. If I don’t have what I want or need, it doesn’t make any difference; I don’t care really

12. I shouldn’t have to ask (say no); they should know what I want (and do it)

13. They should have known that their behavior would hurt my feelings; I shouldn’t have to tell them

14. I shouldn’t have to negotiate or work at getting what I want. ‰

15. Other people should be willing to do more for my needs

16. Other people should like approve of and support me

17. They don’t deserve my being skillful or treating them well

18. Getting what I want when I want it is most important

19.  Revenge will feel so good; it will be worth any negative consequences

20. Everybody lies

What Gets In The Way Of Asserting Healthy Boundaries?

• Lack of skills

  • You don’t have the interpersonal/relational skills needed to assert healthy boundaries

  • Not modeled or learned in childhood 

  • You can learn them

• You don’t know what you want

  • You have the skills, but can’t decide what you really want from the other person.

    • You can’t figure out how to balance your needs versus the other person’s needs: Asking for too much versus not asking for anything.

    • Saying no to everything versus giving in to everything.

• Your emotions are getting in the way

  • You have the skills, but emotions (anger, pride, contempt, fear, shame, guilt) control what you do

• You forget your long-term goals for short-term goals

  • You put your immediate urges and wants ahead of your long-term goals.

  • The future vanishes from your mind.

• Other people are getting in your way

  • You have the skills but other people get in the way.

  • Other people are more powerful than you.

  • Other people may be threatened or may not like you if you get what you want.

  • Other people may not do what you want unless you sacrifice your self-respect, at least a little.

• Your thoughts and beliefs are getting in the way

  • Worries about negative consequences if you ask for what you want or say no to someone’s request get in the way of acting effectively.

  • Beliefs that you don’t deserve what you want stop you in your tracks. ‰‰

  • Beliefs that others don’t deserve what they want make you ineffective.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

• Resolving conflicts before they get escalated and overwhelming

• Maintaining self-respect

Is Learning Boundaries Possible?

Yes, absolutely. While it takes work through education, awareness, and continued practice, it is definitely possible.

Questions To Ask Yourself

• Where did I learn boundaries from?

• Who did I learn boundaries from?

• When I say the word yes, what comes to mind? How do I feel?

• When I say the word no, what comes to mind? How do I feel?

• How easy (or difficult) is it for me to say no? How do I feel?

• How easy (or difficult) is it for me to say yes? How do I feel?

• What’s my relationship to conflict or tension?

• Do I know what I want and need?

From DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 2a. Myths in The Way of Interpersonal effectiveness (Page 119).