Growing Up With An Alcoholic Parent/Caregiver

Examples of Growing Up With an Alcoholic Parent/Caregiver

  • Family dysfunction

  • Silence and not talking openly about problems and issues

  • Avoiding conflict and disagreements

  • Unrealistic expectations and not being good enough

  • Being selfless and serving others (at the expense of yourself)

  • Focus on achievements and productivity

  • Do not play and have fun

  • Extreme beliefs like bad/good, love/hate, yes/no, etc.

  • Putting on a facade or mask to the outside work outside of the home

  • Incongruence (inside doesn’t match the outside) such as encouraging children not to do as the parents (“don’t drink or do drugs”), but the parent uses alcohol and other drugs

  • Inconsistency and chaos is the norm

  • And more

The Effects of Growing Up With an Alcoholic Parent/Caregiver

  • Higher likelihood of using alcohol and other drugs

  • Higher likelihood of being a people pleaser or fawned

  • Difficulty managing conflicts, ruptures, and disagreements

  • Difficulty owning one’s boundaries in a healthy way

  • Difficulty with vulnerability and being emotionally open

  • Difficulty with managing overwhelming emotions and sensations

  • Feelings of sadness, loneliness, and grief when surrounded by other families

  • Higher levels of shame and guilt

  • Lower sense of Self (Self esteem, Self worth, Self confidence, etc.)

  • Increased likelihood of self blame, self criticism, self judgement, self hate, self demand, self shaming, etc.

  • Lack of a sense of belonging or community

  • And more

Common Roles in Dysfunctional Families

  • Scapegoat

    • Often blamed for the family's problems.

    • They may be the target of criticism, ridicule, or punishment, regardless of their actual involvement in the issues at hand.

    • The scapegoat is often seen as the troublemaker or the black sheep of the family, bearing the brunt of the dysfunctional dynamics.

  • Lost Child

    • Tends to withdraw and isolate themselves from family conflicts or tension.

    • They may be introverted and shy, often seeking solace in solitary activities.

    • This role allows them to escape the chaos and drama within the family.

    • The lost child may become skilled at being self-sufficient and developing a rich inner world, but they may also struggle with forming close relationships outside the family.

  • Hero

    • Often seen as the overachiever within the family unit.

    • They strive for perfection, seeking to maintain a positive image for the family.

    • They may excel academically, participate in numerous extracurricular activities, or take on a significant amount of responsibility at a young age.

    • The hero's role is often a response to the dysfunction within the family, as they try to compensate for the problems by appearing successful and reliable.

  • Mascot

    • Uses humor and clowning around as a way to alleviate tension and distract from the underlying problems.

    • They may resort to making jokes or acting silly to diffuse conflicts or to gain attention.

    • The mascot plays the role of the entertainer, using humor as a defense mechanism to cope with the dysfunction within the family.

  • Caretaker/Enabler

    • Usually the responsible and nurturing family member who takes on the role of looking after others' needs and feels the weight of the family’s problems.

    • They often prioritize taking care of others over their own well-being (AKA martyr).

    • The caretaker may assume the responsibilities of parenting younger siblings or even the parents themselves.

    • While their intentions may be genuine, the caretaker can become overwhelmed and neglect their own emotional and developmental needs.

  • Mastermind

    • Manipulates and controls others to maintain their power within the family system.

    • They may use tactics such as manipulation, guilt-tripping, or intimidation to exert control over family members.

    • The mastermind often seeks to maintain the dysfunctional status quo and can perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction within the family.

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The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

  • We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

  • We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

  • We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.

  • We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

  • We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

  • We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

  • We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

  • We became addicted to excitement.

  • We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."

  • We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

  • We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

  • We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

  • Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

  • Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

  • From https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/

What Are Protective Factors?

  • Protective factors are characteristics, conditions, resources, and/or attributes that may decrease the likelihood of being diagnosed with PTSD, that help individuals cope with trauma, stressful events, and/or help reduce risks growing up in an unhealthy environment, which ultimately can lead to better outcomes.

Protective Factors or Things You Can Do Toward a More Positive Outcome

  • Having a healthy support system outside of the family such as a teacher, role models, mentor, friend, etc.

  • Strong sibling relationships within the family (if you have siblings)

  • Engaging in hobbies and activities

  • Distraction

  • Education around substance use and alcohol and its impacts/effects on your current life

  • Having hope

  • Work on cultivating healthy boundaries

  • Work on cultivating healthy communication skills (assertive communication skills)

  • Work toward managing overwhelming emotions and sensations (emotion regulation skills)

  • Seek out help from a licensed mental health professional

  • Doing well in school

  • Doing well at work

  • Feeling safe at home

  • Feeling safe at work

  • Feeling empowered enough to make decisions

  • Feeling confident enough to solve problems

  • Resilience

  • And more

How Can Therapy Help

  • Learn to manage overwhelming distressing emotions

  • Learn to manage overwhelming negative thoughts

  • Learn to love, like, and/or accept yourself

  • Learn to take up space

  • Learn healthy boundaries

  • Learn assertive communication

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How To Be A Good Parent After Childhood Trauma

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The Effects of PTSD & Trauma: Avoidance