Growing Up With An Alcoholic Parent/Caregiver
Examples of Growing Up With an Alcoholic Parent/Caregiver
Family dysfunction
Silence and not talking openly about problems and issues
Avoiding conflict and disagreements
Unrealistic expectations and not being good enough
Being selfless and serving others (at the expense of yourself)
Focus on achievements and productivity
Do not play and have fun
Extreme beliefs like bad/good, love/hate, yes/no, etc.
Putting on a facade or mask to the outside work outside of the home
Incongruence (inside doesn’t match the outside) such as encouraging children not to do as the parents (“don’t drink or do drugs”), but the parent uses alcohol and other drugs
Inconsistency and chaos is the norm
And more
The Effects of Growing Up With an Alcoholic Parent/Caregiver
Higher likelihood of using alcohol and other drugs
Higher likelihood of being a people pleaser or fawned
Difficulty managing conflicts, ruptures, and disagreements
Difficulty owning one’s boundaries in a healthy way
Difficulty with vulnerability and being emotionally open
Difficulty with managing overwhelming emotions and sensations
Feelings of sadness, loneliness, and grief when surrounded by other families
Higher levels of shame and guilt
Lower sense of Self (Self esteem, Self worth, Self confidence, etc.)
Increased likelihood of self blame, self criticism, self judgement, self hate, self demand, self shaming, etc.
Lack of a sense of belonging or community
And more
Common Roles in Dysfunctional Families
Scapegoat
Often blamed for the family's problems.
They may be the target of criticism, ridicule, or punishment, regardless of their actual involvement in the issues at hand.
The scapegoat is often seen as the troublemaker or the black sheep of the family, bearing the brunt of the dysfunctional dynamics.
Lost Child
Tends to withdraw and isolate themselves from family conflicts or tension.
They may be introverted and shy, often seeking solace in solitary activities.
This role allows them to escape the chaos and drama within the family.
The lost child may become skilled at being self-sufficient and developing a rich inner world, but they may also struggle with forming close relationships outside the family.
Hero
Often seen as the overachiever within the family unit.
They strive for perfection, seeking to maintain a positive image for the family.
They may excel academically, participate in numerous extracurricular activities, or take on a significant amount of responsibility at a young age.
The hero's role is often a response to the dysfunction within the family, as they try to compensate for the problems by appearing successful and reliable.
Mascot
Uses humor and clowning around as a way to alleviate tension and distract from the underlying problems.
They may resort to making jokes or acting silly to diffuse conflicts or to gain attention.
The mascot plays the role of the entertainer, using humor as a defense mechanism to cope with the dysfunction within the family.
Caretaker/Enabler
Usually the responsible and nurturing family member who takes on the role of looking after others' needs and feels the weight of the family’s problems.
They often prioritize taking care of others over their own well-being (AKA martyr).
The caretaker may assume the responsibilities of parenting younger siblings or even the parents themselves.
While their intentions may be genuine, the caretaker can become overwhelmed and neglect their own emotional and developmental needs.
Mastermind
Manipulates and controls others to maintain their power within the family system.
They may use tactics such as manipulation, guilt-tripping, or intimidation to exert control over family members.
The mastermind often seeks to maintain the dysfunctional status quo and can perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction within the family.
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The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
What Are Protective Factors?
Protective factors are characteristics, conditions, resources, and/or attributes that may decrease the likelihood of being diagnosed with PTSD, that help individuals cope with trauma, stressful events, and/or help reduce risks growing up in an unhealthy environment, which ultimately can lead to better outcomes.
Protective Factors or Things You Can Do Toward a More Positive Outcome
Having a healthy support system outside of the family such as a teacher, role models, mentor, friend, etc.
Strong sibling relationships within the family (if you have siblings)
Engaging in hobbies and activities
Distraction
Education around substance use and alcohol and its impacts/effects on your current life
Having hope
Work on cultivating healthy boundaries
Work on cultivating healthy communication skills (assertive communication skills)
Work toward managing overwhelming emotions and sensations (emotion regulation skills)
Seek out help from a licensed mental health professional
Doing well in school
Doing well at work
Feeling safe at home
Feeling safe at work
Feeling empowered enough to make decisions
Feeling confident enough to solve problems
Resilience
And more
How Can Therapy Help
Learn to manage overwhelming distressing emotions
Learn to manage overwhelming negative thoughts
Learn to love, like, and/or accept yourself
Learn to take up space
Learn healthy boundaries
Learn assertive communication