Learning More About Your Family Roles & Rituals

Questions To Ask Yourself & Your Partner

  1. How was conflict handled?

  2. How would you describe your home growing up?

  3. How was affection and love shown?

  4. Who had power in the family? 

  5. What were the religious beliefs?

  6. Who handled finances?

  7. What was money used for? 

  8. What were some family rules?

  9. What were some family traditions?

  10. Was personal privacy respected? 

Common Roles In The Family

  1. The “Good” Child

    • The favorite child

    • Perfect in every way

    • Cons: Can’t ever make a mistake, high pressure, high expectations, stressful, anxiety, attention paid to 

    • Role: To allow family to ignore/pretend problems don’t exist. Shows proof there is something good/healthy in the family

  2. Rescuer

    • Cons: Responsible for solving, fixing, and coming up with solutions to each and every problem in the family, exhausting, tiring, resentment

    • Role: Fixes and solves 

  3. Mediator

    • Cons: Feeling stuck between conflict, tension, anger

    • Role: To facilitate conversations and conflicts 

  4. Scapegoat

    • Makes trouble and mistakes 

    • Cons: Can’t do anything right, always the “bad” child

    • Role: Shifts blame on them for all problems, a way for family to ignore problems

  5. Nurturer/Caretaker

    • Cons: Porous boundaries, difficulty understanding own needs and wants 

    • Role: To provide care for others at expense of self

How Roles Change In a Family

  • Life transitions 

  • Health issues

  • Illness

  • Divorce

  • Separation

  • Career changes 

  • Trauma

  • Grief and loss

  • Growth and transformation

Understanding your roles in your own family can help you

  • Better understand why you act the way you do, especially in current relationships

  • Better understand your needs and wants (versus doing something you’re good at because you were taught and responsible for doing so)

  • Find ways to assert your boundaries and say no

  • Find ways to separate yourself from your original roles growing up and create new roles for yourself as an adult

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