Learning More About Your Family Roles & Rituals
Questions To Ask Yourself & Your Partner
How was conflict handled?
How would you describe your home growing up?
How was affection and love shown?
Who had power in the family?
What were the religious beliefs?
Who handled finances?
What was money used for?
What were some family rules?
What were some family traditions?
Was personal privacy respected?
Common Roles In The Family
The “Good” Child
The favorite child
Perfect in every way
Cons: Can’t ever make a mistake, high pressure, high expectations, stressful, anxiety, attention paid to
Role: To allow family to ignore/pretend problems don’t exist. Shows proof there is something good/healthy in the family
Rescuer
Cons: Responsible for solving, fixing, and coming up with solutions to each and every problem in the family, exhausting, tiring, resentment
Role: Fixes and solves
Mediator
Cons: Feeling stuck between conflict, tension, anger
Role: To facilitate conversations and conflicts
Scapegoat
Makes trouble and mistakes
Cons: Can’t do anything right, always the “bad” child
Role: Shifts blame on them for all problems, a way for family to ignore problems
Nurturer/Caretaker
Cons: Porous boundaries, difficulty understanding own needs and wants
Role: To provide care for others at expense of self
How Roles Change In a Family
Life transitions
Health issues
Illness
Divorce
Separation
Career changes
Trauma
Grief and loss
Growth and transformation
Understanding your roles in your own family can help you
Better understand why you act the way you do, especially in current relationships
Better understand your needs and wants (versus doing something you’re good at because you were taught and responsible for doing so)
Find ways to assert your boundaries and say no
Find ways to separate yourself from your original roles growing up and create new roles for yourself as an adult