What is Parentification?
What is Parentification?
Parentification occurs when a child is forced to assume parental roles and responsibilities at an early age (role reversal).
This can occur when a parent is absent, emotionally unavailable, or struggling with their own mental health and/or substance use issues.
The child may be required to take care of themselves, take care of younger siblings, manage household tasks, and/or provide emotional support to their parents.
As a result, the child's normal development may be disrupted, and they may experience a loss of childhood, as they are prematurely burdened with adult responsibilities.
Instrumental Parentification vs. Emotional Parentification
Classic models of parentification differentiate types of parentification based on the function it serves, typically as either instrumental or emotional parentification.
Instrumental parentification involves youth assuming the responsibilities to maintain the household (e.g., meals, chores, finances).
Emotional parentification requires youth to tend to the emotional needs of family members. This can include becoming a parents’ confidant (e.g., spousification), elevating siblings’ self-esteem, and even promoting harmony among the members. Some parentified youth may fulfill both the instrumental and emotional needs of the family.
From: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10341267
Examples of Parentification
Treating you/your siblings/their kids as a therapist/friend/partner/spouse/etc.
Lack of boundaries in a household between a parent/caregiver and a child such as enmeshment
Enmeshment is the blurring of boundaries between individuals, particularly family members, leading to over-involvement and a lack of autonomy and independence (e.g. codependency)
Examples of enmeshment can include
When you/the child expresses emotional needs and wants, the caregiver/parent invalidates the child, makes the child feel bad, ignores them, and/or uses this against the child
Taking care of your parents/caregivers emotionally at an early age
Verbally reassuring your parent consistently
“It’ll be okay”
“You’ll be alright”
“I’m here. You’re not alone. I got you.”
“I’m sorry you’re going through this”
And more
Having your parent/caregiver come to you when they are in distress such as sobbing or crying and expecting you to console them physically and/or emotionally
Taking care of household duties at an early age
Performing adult duties such as
Getting a job to pay the bills
Calling the phone/internet/water/utility company
Learning to cook meals
Going grocery shopping
Fixing things around the house
Cleaning the house
And more
If your parent seeks attention and constant validation, you offer it to them consistently
“You’re a good mom/dad/caregiver”
“You did a great job”
And more
Taking care of other siblings because your parent/caregiver is unable to or unwilling to
Being a translator in your family where your parent/caregiver does not speak the primary language of their resident country
Listening to a parent/caregiver talk about their problems and issues
Being a mediator between family members when there are fights and conflicts (you are triangulated)
You are your parents/caregivers confidante/trusted person/mentor/guide/coach/etc.
Consoling your parent/caregiver when they are feeling emotionally overwhelmed or in emotional distress
Giving/offering your parent/caregiver advice about anything and everything such as: what to wear, what to do at work, how to navigate conflict, how to end relationships, etc.
And more
Examples of How Parentification Impacts Children
If the child does not succumb to the parents’ needs and wants or wishes and desires, the following can occur
They are blamed
They are criticized
They are abused
Abuse can occur between the parents/caregivers
They are screamed or yelled at
They are ignored
Love is withheld
And more
They are always on alert for something bad to happen (hyper vigilance)
They grow up too quickly and skip developmental stages of being a child
They feel like a burden for having needs and wants
They have difficulty feeling their emotions and sensations
They have difficulty expressing their emotions to others
They have difficult with vulnerability and intimacy in relationships
They shrink themselves and learn to not take up space
They fear being the center of attention
They have the thought they deserve to be punished and bad things will happen to them
They have difficulty with assertive communication (easier and comforting to resort to passive, passive aggressive, or aggressive communication)
They have difficulty asking for help
They have a lower sense of Self (Self esteem, Self worth, Self confidence, Self acceptance, Self love, etc.)
And more
Common Core Beliefs of Parentified Children Who Grow Up And Become Adults
Enmeshment or Under Developed Self
Excessive emotional involvement and closeness with one or more significant others (often parents), at the expense of full individuation or normal social development.
Often involves the belief that at least one of the enmeshed individuals cannot survive or be happy without the constant support of the other.
May also include feelings of being smothered by, or fused with, others OR insufficient individual identity.
Often experienced as a feeling of emptiness and floundering, having no direction, or in extreme cases questioning one's existence.
Emotional Inhibition
The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication -- usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one's impulses.
The most common areas of inhibition involve: (a) inhibition of anger & aggression; (b) inhibition of positive impulses (e.g., joy, affection, sexual excitement, play); (c) difficulty expressing vulnerability or communicating freely about one's feelings, needs, etc.; or (d) excessive emphasis on rationality while disregarding emotions.
Self Sacrifice
Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one's own gratification.
The most common reasons are: to prevent causing pain to others; to avoid guilt from feeling selfish; or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy .
Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one's own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of. (Overlaps with concept of codependency.)
Approval Seeking
Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self.
One's sense of esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than on one's own natural inclinations.
Sometimes includes an overemphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, or achievement -- as means of gaining approval, admiration, or attention (not primarily for power or control). Frequently results in major life decisions that are inauthentic or unsatisfying; or in hypersensitivity to rejection.
Affirmations For Parentified Adults
“Other people’s problems are not my responsibility”
“I am not responsible for other’s emotions and feelings”
“I can take care of myself. Other people can take care of themselves too.”
“I can care for myself”
“I don’t always have to be intuitive and pick up on other people’s needs and wants”
“It is exhausting to always put on a mask and facade around others”
“I can be myself, just as I am”
“I accept myself, all parts of me”
“I deserve healthy love”
“I deserve to take care of myself”
“I deserve to rest and slow down”
”I deserve to have others who I trust and love take care of me”
“I can ask for help slowly”
“I have the capacity to grow and change”
“I can learn healthy boundaries”
“I can learn to practice assertive communication”
“Conflicts and disagreements is a normal part of any relationship”
“I can say no when I don’t want to do something”
“I can say yes when I do want to do something”
“I am doing the best I can with what I have and know in this moment”
“I did the best I could today. I am proud of myself”
“I like myself”
“I love myself”
“I accept myself”
“I forgive myself”
“I’m sorry you’re in so much pain” (to the inner child)
“I hear you. I am listening to you.” (to the inner child)
And more
You can also add on the following before the affirmations if the above are too difficult to express such as:
“I can learn to….”
“I am learning…”
“It’s really hard and I am trying to…”
“I’m not used to, but I am…”
And more