What is Parentification?

What is Parentification?

  • Parentification occurs when a child is forced to assume parental roles and responsibilities at an early age (role reversal).

  • This can occur when a parent is absent, emotionally unavailable, or struggling with their own mental health and/or substance use issues.

  • The child may be required to take care of themselves, take care of younger siblings, manage household tasks, and/or provide emotional support to their parents.

  • As a result, the child's normal development may be disrupted, and they may experience a loss of childhood, as they are prematurely burdened with adult responsibilities.

Instrumental Parentification vs. Emotional Parentification

  • Classic models of parentification differentiate types of parentification based on the function it serves, typically as either instrumental or emotional parentification.

  • Instrumental parentification involves youth assuming the responsibilities to maintain the household (e.g., meals, chores, finances).

  • Emotional parentification requires youth to tend to the emotional needs of family members. This can include becoming a parents’ confidant (e.g., spousification), elevating siblings’ self-esteem, and even promoting harmony among the members. Some parentified youth may fulfill both the instrumental and emotional needs of the family.

  • From: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10341267


Examples of Parentification

  • Treating you/your siblings/their kids as a therapist/friend/partner/spouse/etc.

  • Lack of boundaries in a household between a parent/caregiver and a child such as enmeshment

    • Enmeshment is the blurring of boundaries between individuals, particularly family members, leading to over-involvement and a lack of autonomy and independence (e.g. codependency)

    • Examples of enmeshment can include

  • When you/the child expresses emotional needs and wants, the caregiver/parent invalidates the child, makes the child feel bad, ignores them, and/or uses this against the child

  • Taking care of your parents/caregivers emotionally at an early age

    • Verbally reassuring your parent consistently

      • “It’ll be okay”

      • “You’ll be alright”

      • “I’m here. You’re not alone. I got you.”

      • “I’m sorry you’re going through this”

      • And more

    • Having your parent/caregiver come to you when they are in distress such as sobbing or crying and expecting you to console them physically and/or emotionally

  • Taking care of household duties at an early age

    • Performing adult duties such as

      • Getting a job to pay the bills

      • Calling the phone/internet/water/utility company

      • Learning to cook meals

      • Going grocery shopping

      • Fixing things around the house

      • Cleaning the house

      • And more

  • If your parent seeks attention and constant validation, you offer it to them consistently

    • “You’re a good mom/dad/caregiver”

    • “You did a great job”

    • And more

  • Taking care of other siblings because your parent/caregiver is unable to or unwilling to

  • Being a translator in your family where your parent/caregiver does not speak the primary language of their resident country

  • Listening to a parent/caregiver talk about their problems and issues

  • Being a mediator between family members when there are fights and conflicts (you are triangulated)

  • You are your parents/caregivers confidante/trusted person/mentor/guide/coach/etc.

  • Consoling your parent/caregiver when they are feeling emotionally overwhelmed or in emotional distress

  • Giving/offering your parent/caregiver advice about anything and everything such as: what to wear, what to do at work, how to navigate conflict, how to end relationships, etc.

  • And more

Examples of How Parentification Impacts Children

  • If the child does not succumb to the parents’ needs and wants or wishes and desires, the following can occur

    • They are blamed

    • They are criticized

    • They are abused

    • Abuse can occur between the parents/caregivers

    • They are screamed or yelled at

    • They are ignored

    • Love is withheld

    • And more

  • They are always on alert for something bad to happen (hyper vigilance)

  • They grow up too quickly and skip developmental stages of being a child

  • They feel like a burden for having needs and wants

  • They have difficulty feeling their emotions and sensations

  • They have difficulty expressing their emotions to others

  • They have difficult with vulnerability and intimacy in relationships

  • They shrink themselves and learn to not take up space

  • They fear being the center of attention

  • They have the thought they deserve to be punished and bad things will happen to them

  • They have difficulty with assertive communication (easier and comforting to resort to passive, passive aggressive, or aggressive communication)

  • They have difficulty asking for help

  • They have a lower sense of Self (Self esteem, Self worth, Self confidence, Self acceptance, Self love, etc.)

  • And more

Common Core Beliefs of Parentified Children Who Grow Up And Become Adults

  • Enmeshment or Under Developed Self   

    • Excessive emotional involvement and closeness with one or more significant others (often parents), at the expense of full individuation or normal social development.  

    • Often involves the belief that at least one of the enmeshed individuals cannot survive or be happy without the constant support of the other.   

    • May also include feelings of being smothered by, or fused with, others  OR  insufficient individual identity.

    • Often experienced as a feeling of emptiness and floundering, having no direction, or in extreme cases questioning one's existence.  

  • Emotional Inhibition

    • The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication -- usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one's impulses.

    • The most common areas of inhibition involve:  (a) inhibition of anger & aggression;  (b) inhibition of positive impulses (e.g., joy, affection, sexual excitement, play);  (c) difficulty expressing vulnerability or communicating freely about one's feelings, needs, etc.;  or (d) excessive emphasis on rationality while disregarding emotions.

  • Self Sacrifice

    •  Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one's own gratification.  

    • The most common reasons are:  to prevent causing pain to others;  to avoid guilt from feeling selfish;  or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy .  

    • Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one's own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of. (Overlaps with concept of codependency.)

  • Approval Seeking

    •  Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self.  

    • One's sense of esteem is dependent primarily on the reactions of others rather than on one's own natural inclinations.  

    • Sometimes includes an overemphasis on status, appearance, social acceptance, money, or achievement --  as means of gaining approval, admiration, or attention (not primarily for power or control). Frequently results in major life decisions that are inauthentic or unsatisfying;  or in hypersensitivity to rejection.

  • From: https://www.schematherapy.com/id73.htm

Affirmations For Parentified Adults

  • “Other people’s problems are not my responsibility”

  • “I am not responsible for other’s emotions and feelings”

  • “I can take care of myself. Other people can take care of themselves too.”

  • “I can care for myself”

  • “I don’t always have to be intuitive and pick up on other people’s needs and wants”

  • “It is exhausting to always put on a mask and facade around others”

  • “I can be myself, just as I am”

  • “I accept myself, all parts of me”

  • “I deserve healthy love”

  • “I deserve to take care of myself”

  • “I deserve to rest and slow down”

  • ”I deserve to have others who I trust and love take care of me”

  • “I can ask for help slowly”

  • “I have the capacity to grow and change”

  • “I can learn healthy boundaries”

  • “I can learn to practice assertive communication”

  • “Conflicts and disagreements is a normal part of any relationship”

  • “I can say no when I don’t want to do something”

  • “I can say yes when I do want to do something”

  • “I am doing the best I can with what I have and know in this moment”

  • “I did the best I could today. I am proud of myself”

  • “I like myself”

  • “I love myself”

  • “I accept myself”

  • “I forgive myself”

  • “I’m sorry you’re in so much pain” (to the inner child)

  • “I hear you. I am listening to you.” (to the inner child)

  • And more

You can also add on the following before the affirmations if the above are too difficult to express such as:

  • “I can learn to….”

  • “I am learning…”

  • “It’s really hard and I am trying to…”

  • “I’m not used to, but I am…”

  • And more

Parentification Resources

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