What Are The Most Common Mistakes Couples Make?

Unrealistic Expectations

• Expecting your partner to full all your needs, desires, and requests 100% of the time

• Expecting your partner to view and navigate the world like you do (sameness)

• Expecting your partner to mind read and know exactly what you’re thinking and feeling 

Lack Of Communication

1. Communication is crucial

2. Try not to assume or read another persons’ mind 

3. Try to bring things up as they arise. If you want to bring them up later, that’s okay too, but let your partner know.

4. Be honest

5. Be direct

6. Be concise 

7. Ask for what you want and wait for an answer (rather than answering for them)

Lack of Assertive Communication

1. Assertive communication

   1. Greater ability to ask for what you want and when you don’t receive what you desire, you can tolerate the no and do something for yourself to self soothe or ask someone else

   2. Greater ability to assert one’s boundaries (rather than engage in passivity, passive aggressiveness, and/or aggressive boundaries)

   3. Greater ability to use “I” statements and focus on one’s needs/wants (vs. feeling overly responsible for someone else’s emotions)

2. Passive communication

1. Shutting down, freeze response, avoidance

2. Tend to have a low sense of Self

3. Common behaviors of overly apologizing, overly explaining, avoidance of confrontation

4. Common statements of “I don’t know” or “Whatever is fine”

3. Passive aggressive communication

1. High levels of sarcasm, paradox, incongruence (what is being said doesn’t match the behavior)

2. Tend to want others to mind read and assume what they want/need 

3. Common behaviors include procrastination/not directly addressing issues as they arise, sarcasm, indecisiveness, stubbornness, resentment, dropping subtle hints rather than directly communicating 

4. Can come across as rude and irritable 

4. Aggressive communication

   1. Demanding, blaming, high rigidity and expectation of others to agree to your requests (no reciprocity), can come across as bossy and dismissive

Secrets & Deception

1. While privacy is to be expected in a relationship (the type and level of privacy depends on the couple’s agreements), secrets, lies, and deceptions are not. This also depends on each person’s non-negotiables.

2. Common lies include: infidelity, cheating, hiding problematic behaviors and addictions, emotional affairs, spending large amounts of money

3. Lies can break the bonds of trust within a relationship 

4. Ongoing lies can oftentimes break the relationship leading to divorce or separation

5. Honesty is the best policy 

Blame, Criticizing, Demanding

1. “You always do X…”

2. “You never…”

3. “You should know…”

4. “You need to…”

5. “If you did X like I asked you to then…”

6. “You are so X…”

7. “I hate you…”

8. “I want to divorce you…”

9. “You make me…”

10. No one likes to be yelled at

11. Over time, negative communication patterns can really wear down on a relationship because the other person expects it and in turn may become apathetic or checked out of the relationship

Acting Out

1. Instead of using assertive communication using our mouth, acting out means using passive-aggressive, passive, or aggressive communication via our behaviors or nonverbal methods

2. Example of acting out anger

   1. Breaking dishes when angry instead of assertively communicating, feeling, and processing anger

   2. Screaming at someone instead of verbally articulating your anger, taking a break, and going for a walk to calm yourself down

   3. Pushing someone instead of pausing, leaving the situation, deescalating yourself, and coming back when more calm and regulated

Not Apologizing

1. Mistakes are normal and to be expected in relationships 

2. Perfection doesn’t exist

3. Apologize focusing on the harm made and how the other person felt

4. Not apologizing can lead to longer term issues like resentment

Not Taking A Break

1. If something is overwhelming, let the other person know and take a pause

2. If necessary, go to another room, go for a walk, stretch

3. The person who leaves must tell the other person when they’ll come back

Mind Reading

1. Try not to have others mind read (because they can’t)

2. Why? It can be exhausting and isn’t possible 

3. If you want something, make a request

4. If you’re upset, let the other person know (don’t internalize it and let it fester) why and what occurred 

Not Playing

1. Children are really great at playing, imagining, and hoping

2. Adults lose this sense of playfulness as they age and become adults 

3. Be more spontaneous 

4. Fantasize

5. Imagine

6. Dream

7. Hope

8. Dance

9. Sing

10. Go to the playground

11. Write

12. Draw

13. Color

14. Express yourself

Wanting To Be Right Vs. Being In A Relationship

• Relationships don’t make sense sometimes

• We can love someone, yet not like them at times and/or find them annoying 

• I always ask couples, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in a relationship?”

• If you want to be right in a relationship 100% of the time, chances are you will find being in a relationship very difficult, if not impossible

Invalidation

• Validate your partner, even when you don’t agree with what they said (only exception is due to abuse; we do not validate abuse) 

• Validate the facts and emotions (“I heard you say you feel” or “You feel angry”)

• Validation isn’t agreement, it’s hearing that there is some kernel of truth in what they said and commenting, “I hear you. I understand”.

• You can also validate yourself when your partner is unable to validate you

Not Listening

• Listen to truly listen to what your partner is saying 

• Wait, pause, breathe, and take in what your partner just said

• Reflect it back to them and ask them, “Was that correct?”

• Don’t interrupt your partner

Confirmation Bias

• Confirmation bias is a way of searching for clues and evidence in what someone says and how they say it to confirm what we already believe to be true. 

• A confirmation bias is a mental shortcut

• Humans really enjoy mental shortcuts!

• Common mental shortcuts include:

• Labeling

• Jumping to conclusion

• Assuming

• Reading someone’s mind

• Catastrophizing 

Not Identifying, Understanding & Managing Trauma & Triggers 

• If you have a history of trauma or neglect, do the work of healing 

• Let your partner know you’re dysregulated and what triggers you

• Find ways to regulate yourself when triggered

• Take a break when overwhelmed and triggered

Not Practicing Skills/Tools To Strengthen Relationships

• Relationships are not passive, but active and require ongoing work to be strong and healthy

• Keep practicing (over and over) 

• Establishing a new habit such as healthy communication takes time, effort, and practice

What Can We Do?

1. Understand the person’s culture, upbringing, and worldview

2. Active listening

3. Validate

4. Practice curiosity 

5. Understand your own past 

6. Work together and collaboration

7. Solicit positive feedback, gratitude, and compliments

8. Practice vulnerability

9. Having a life outside of the relationship (hobbies, friends)

10. Assertive communication

11. Making requests

12. Self soothing and regulating

13. Feeling and processing emotions

14. Increase intimacy and desire

15. Practice, practice, practice