10 Ways To Assert Your Boundaries

What Are Boundaries?

• “So psychological boundaries, it’s really important to have a visual image. The one I like to use is a membrane. A membrane can open and let something in. Or it can close and keep it out. It can slow things down. Things can bounce things off if needed. Like a force field.”

• “A wall of water. It’s not a wall, but some kind of protection. Another image. A windshield. I use that a lot with my kids. People are saying often things about them. So let it bounce off.”

• “When most people think about boundary work, they think about protection work, but not containment work. This is your obligation about how you show up in the world. It protects you from saying or doing things you regret. “

• “Boundaries are not just about protection. They are about containment.”

From Lovelink Podcast (Guest Amelia Kaplan Romanowsky) 

Types Of Boundaries

• Time

• Emotional

• Physical 

• Sexual

• Financial

Types Of Boundaries

• Codependence

  • I need you all the time

  • I need you to calm me down

  • I need you near me all the time

• Counterdependence

  • I don’t need anyone

  • I have myself and that’s good enough

  • I don’t need you

• Interdependence

  • Sometimes, I need you and sometimes, I’m okay by myself

  • I can do things by myself and I find joy doing and spending time with others

Why Are Boundaries Important?

• Resolving conflicts before they get escalated and overwhelming

• Maintaining self-respect

• Increases and maintains healthy and high Self esteem

• Tells others what is acceptable

• Tells other what is unacceptable

• Separation and independence is healthy (space, feelings, needs, wants, responsibilities, roles)

• Self limit/discipline

Barriers to Healthy Boundaries

• Fear 

• Worry and anxiety

• Avoidance 

• Not modeled or learned in childhood 

Is Learning Healthy Boundaries Possible?

• Yes

• If you weren’t modeled and/or taught healthy boundaries, you can learn them through education, exposure, and practice

10 Steps Toward Healthy Boundaries

1. Figure out what you want

2. Seek balance and integration (not extremes)

3. Understand your emotions 

4. Understand your core beliefs and schemas

5. Focus on your values

6. Focus on your goals 

7. Accept that others may not receive and listen to your boundaries 

8. Regulate yourself 

9. Validate yourself 

10. Practice over and over

Expect And Anticipate When You Learn And Assert Healthy Boundaries

• The people in your life might

  • Be surprised you are changing

  • Push back and challenge you

  • Not like this new part of you saying no

  • Not take you seriously and think it is a one-time thing, rather than consistent

  • Find someone else who is willing to say no and have more porous boundaries

• That you might slowly and gradually

  • Feel more powerful

  • Increase your Self esteem

  • Learn to like yourself more

  • Feel less tired and have more energy

  • Be more able to identify your values

  • Care less what people think about you

  • Learn to trust in your gut or intuition