The Anger Iceberg

What Is Anger?

Anger is an emotion we feel when we feel something unjust has occurred. Anger isn’t necessarily a bad or good thing. Rather, it’s a way for us to slow down and investigate what’s underneath.

Anger and Attachment By Jacob Ham

  • We think of anger as a bad destructive thing that everyone should learn to control, but there are so many things in the world that deserve outrage, anger, and indignation. I think if we replace the word anger with outrage and indignation, we would be more tolerant of it.

  • And anger can also be useful because it gives us good information. When we are feeling angry, it tells us when something is wrong. That something isn’t moving and it’s static. To ignore it is to do an incredible disservice.

  • Anger signifies that something Is wrong. That something needs to be fixed. Something needs to be protected. It can also signify that something really important and meaningful is happening right now. That some value of of yours that you care about is being activated.

  • Anger is useful. Anger is unavoidable. Because it stems from hurt. Or some moment of neglect. We can’t do right by our partners all the time.

  • Everyone’s needs are fluid. Sometimes they sink and sometimes they don’t. And anger sometimes is a way to signify that one of your needs isn’t being met. Or you’re being hurt because of the other person in some way. And you need to tell the other person because how else can they fix it if they don’t know?

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Other Words For Anger

  • Frustrated

  • Aggravated

  • Agitated

  • Annoyed

  • Bitter

  • Exasperated

  • Rage

  • Fury

  • Grouchy

  • Hostile

  • Irritable

  • Outraged

What Does Anger Communicate To Us?

  • Something important to me has been taken away

  • Someone I care has been hurt, threatened, or attacked

  • Feeling vulnerable, unsafe, and/or unprotected

  • Losing power, status, or respect

  • Not having things turn out as expected

  • Physical or emotional pain

How Does Anger Show Up In Our Body?

  • Hot temperature

  • Clenching fists

  • Racing thoughts (headaches)

  • Fast breathing

  • Louder voice/tone

What Does Anger Urge/Influence Us To Do?

  • To yell

  • To attack

  • To hurt

  • To let others how much we are hurting and angry

How To Diffuse Anger?

  • Slowing down

    • Slowing down breathing

    • Slowing down thoughts

    • Slowing down movements

    • Sitting still

    • Meditating

  • Temperature

    • If hot, get cold

      • Take a cold shower for 2 minutes

      • Grab ice cubes and rub them over your hands and face for 30 seconds

      • Wash your hands with cold water for 1 minute

      • Put your entire face in a tub of cold water for 30 seconds

  • Posture

    • Slouching

    • Looking down

  • Down regulate

    • Slouching back

    • Looking down

    • Slowing down breathing

    • Cold temperature

  • Opposite action

    • Avoid

    • Time out

    • Be kind

    • Imagine understanding

    • Relaxation

What Is The Anger Iceberg?

The Anger Iceberg is a theory created by the Gottman Institute which describes anger like an iceberg. On the surface of the sea, we see the tip of the iceberg. We see and hear yelling, stomping feet, and raised voices. 

Underneath the sea, we are unable to see the hidden parts and emotions of anger. These emotions are usually frustration, hopelessness, disappointment, pain, jealousy, loneliness, or fear.

Social & Cultural Context of Anger

Underneath the sea, we are unable to see the hidden parts and emotions of anger. These emotions are usually frustration, hopelessness, disappointment, pain, jealousy, loneliness, or fear.

Resources & Further Reading

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Trauma Informed Care & Therapy and Training

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10 Ways To Assert Your Boundaries