Adult Orphans (Losing Both Parents As An Adult)

Who Is An Orphan? (Orphan Syndrome Adult)

• Orphan Syndrome: An orphan is typically defined as a child under the age of 18 who has lost one or both parents.

• When used in a broader sense, the word orphan applies to anyone who has lost their biological parents.

• Adult-age persons who have lost their parents can and still do identify themselves as orphans.

• Orphan Syndrome Adult: People who outlive both their parents and who had a relationship with them during their life.

Symptoms of Adult Orphans

These symptoms vary in intensity and severity based on a variety of factors including: type of death, whether the death ws anticipated or unexpected, age, current life circumstances, and more.

• Confusion

• Anger

• Sadness

• Questioning life and values

• Feeling alone

• Feeling disconnected

• Loneliness

• Isolating self

Common Statements & Questions From Adult Orphans

Life as an adult orphan is lonely, isolating, confusing, and full of complex emotions. It can be sad and angry to know that no one around you understands your experience, and that others have their parents.

Common situations like spending the holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, and celebrations can be especially difficult.

• This isn’t fair. Why don’t I have parents?

• No one understands me and my experience. How could they?

• I don’t want to burden anyone with my feelings and thoughts. It’s too much.

• How do I make sense of everything that’s happened. This doesn’t make sense.

• It’s been years now since they passed. Why am I not over their deaths?

• This pain is unbearable. It hurts so much.

Prolonged Grief Disorder (Formerly Known As Complicated Grief)

• Grief is a person's natural response to losing a loved one. It's accompanied by feelings of hurt, loss, and sadness.

• Complicated grief, also known as complicated bereavement disorder, is a condition that can occur in some people who have just lost a loved one or are experiencing grief for another reason.

Symptoms of Prolonged Grief Disorder

• Intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss of your loved one.

• Focus on little else but your loved one's death.

• Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders.

• Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased.

• Problems accepting the death.

• Numbness or detachment.

Losing Both Parents As An Adult

Adults understand their parents or caregivers will eventually pass and die, but most people assume their parents will die much later and older in life. Moreover, most adults do not assume both parents will die at the same time nor close to one another in time.

However, when a child loses their parents in their early years of life (adolescence, emerging adulthood), this complicates grief significantly as the brain is still developing and normal development issues are occuring. Issues of trust, safety, and fairness may arise.

Losing Your Whole Family In An Accident

Some people lose their entire family due to a traumatic accident. This can be due to homicide, natural disaster like an earthquake or tsunami, or a car accident. This can further complicate the process of grieving because the person now must grieve multiple deaths all at once.

My Experience Becoming An Adult Orphan In My 20s

At the age of 19, I lost my entire family to a traumatic accident. My entire world shook, collapsed, and I was left to deal with the aftermath of death and loss.

I was featured on the front page of many local newspapers and even on the local evening news. As someone who kept to himself and valued privacy, I no longer had the ability to hide, avoid, and not take up space. Honestly, the deaths were hard enough, but now I had the pity and tears of strangers I never met when I would go out in public and it was simply too much for me at times. I was over it.

Still in college, I decided to take time off in an attempt to make sense of what happened. The first few years were exhausting, humiliating, horrifying, and terrifying. I learned to survive by living in my brain, using logic to make sense of things that could not make sense, and pushing away my emotions. It was simply too painful to feel on a day to day basis. So I studied, worked, exercised, and kept busy. Extremely busy to the point where I didn’t have enough time for any basic needs like crying, resting, or taking a break from general life stressors.

The years after that were more settled and grounded, though snippets of my loss would creep in. Nightmares, panic attacks, feeling like I was crazy, and a history of sabotaging interpersonal relationships shaped my reality. Eventually, I sought out therapy, support groups, wrote in my journal, and told others about my stories.

Looking back now, the most profound way I found acceptance through traumatic loss has been through sharing my stories with others I trusted (rather than internalizing them and letting these feelings turn into shame) like friends or my therapist, practicing compassion toward myself, writing, and allowing myself to be a complex human being rather than strive for perfection, control, and structure in everyday life (moving from survival mode to existing and living).

This work has been and continues to be challenging.

How To Cope When Both Parents & Caregivers Die

• Practice gentle Self care and Self compassion

• Try to practice patience

• Allow yourself to feel

• Try to externalize your feelings and thoughts (rather than internalize); expression like art, writing, dancing, music

• Create a legacy box where you put in letters, photos, audio clips, video clips, clothing items, etc. to remember your loved ones

• Try to avoid making big life decisions during this time (e.g. quitting job, moving to a new city, breaking up with your partner, ending friendships, buying a home)

How Can I Help My Friend & Loved Ones Who Are Orphans?

• Reach out for support when things are out of your scope of experience and knowledge (e.g. therapist, group)

• Listen to them (really, really listen)

• Offer them your support and whatever else you feel comfortable (e.g. you can come over to my place during this difficult anniversary)

• Don’t pity your friend or loved one, but empathize with them

• Don’t change the subject, make it about you, or fix/solve their pain when they do come to you (just sit with the uncertainty and pain of loss)

Does Grief Therapy Really Help?

I wrote this blog post because when I was grieving the loss of my entire family, I would search online for a forum, support group, or other people who might have gone through a similar experience. I felt so alone and no one around me could understand death, let alone a tragic accident of this magnitude. I just wanted someone who understood and who got me in some way.

Eventually, I went to a local Meet Up for people who were adult orphans in New York City, but felt so out of place. I was in my early 20s while almost all this folks were in their 40-60s. Moreover, when I shared my short story about loss during introductions, some of these folks started crying uncontrollably or were in silent shock and I felt so uncomfortable. Again, I didn’t really have a great experience reaching out for support, so I gave up for a few more years kept to myself.

Now as a therapist, I understand the nuances and complexities of death, grief, and mourning, especially as it relates to culture, age, and life circumstances. Grief is so unique, special, and complex that no one person will have the same experience.

Therapy is not for everyone. Therapy is not the only way to heal. However, I do believe in the power of therapy because it is a space solely for you. Many of my clients find it helpful because they are able to tell me things they don’t feel comfortable telling others. They can complain. They can feel angry and irritable at others who have their parents and siblings, while they do not. They can cry, mourn, and grieve.

Grief Therapy For Adult Orphans

You’re reading this because you’ve been looking for support, solace, understanding, and relief from your feelings and thoughts. Perhaps you are unsure about starting therapy for a variety of reasons.

• “How can therapy help me process my unfathomable loss?”

• “Who can really understand my pain?”

• “What’s the point of therapy anyways?”

While my stories are different than yours and my own path toward healing is also different, I can offer you a space to process and explore all you’ve been through. I won’t think you’re “too much” or “too crazy” because how could you? You’ve just been trying to survive.

If you’re ready to start therapy, reach out today for a free consultation. I look forward hearing from you.