Healing Trauma With Self Compassion

Myths of Self Compassion

  • It’s indulgent 

  • I’m pitying myself 

  • It’s whiny

  • I’m complaining

  • It’s useless

  • It’s a waste of time

  • It’s not backed by evidence or research 

The Reality of Self Compassion

  • Takes work

  • Takes time

  • Take practice

  • Takes patience

  • Is like learning a new language 

  • Is especially difficult for survivors of trauma who tend to talk to themselves in critical, demanding, and judgemental ways

  • Is backed by research and evidence. Read some of the research here

Self Criticism, Judgements & Demands Keeps Us Stuck

  • Learning to speak to yourself the way your abusers talked to you

  • Internalized oppression (internalizing harmful and incomplete messages from the dominant culture)

  • Self attack as a form of protection

  • Self attack as a form of false control

  • Self attack as a form of anxiety regulation

  • Self attack as a form of trauma repetition or re-enactments 

  • Self attack as a form of what has become normalized and expected over time 

Reasons Why Self Compassion Is So Difficult For Survivors Of Trauma

  • It feels uncomfortable bringing up feelings like disgust, guilt, anger, sadness, grief, indignation, fear, terror, embarrassment 

  • Shame (“I am bad”)

  • Internalizing the abuse they received (e.g. blaming themselves, self compassion was/is dangerous, believing they don’t deserve kindness)

  • Justification, rationalization, and/or intellectualization 

  • You believe it’s unrealistic and impossible to practice 

  • Can trigger clients

  • Brings up anger, rage, irritation which can often times lead to self-attack 

  • Core beliefs don’t match with self compassion principles

    • “When things are going well for me, I think something is wrong.”

    • “I’m not used to feeling relaxed”

  • Few past experiences where joy, calm, peace, relaxation, happiness were experienced, shared, and supported by others (usually punished, violated, abused) 

  • Usually easier to be kinder to others than themselves 

Symptoms of Childhood Trauma & How It Interferes With Self Compassion

  • Difficulties in interpersonal relationships and getting close to others

  • Difficulties feeling positive emotions (and oftentimes, a resistance to positive emotions due to shame)

  • Difficulties making eye contact

  • Negative core beliefs about themselves and the world

  • Hypervigilance 

  • Rejection sensitivity 

  • Fear of abandonment 

  • Shame and feeling not good enough

Why Compassion & Self Compassion is a Superpower

  • It can change us and the people around us. Research shows that when we show compassion toward others, it makes us feel better, too. And the more we show it, the more we inspire it in others.

Practical Applications of Self Compassion

  • Stop comparing yourself 

  • Break the cycle of perfection and be good enough 

  • Set limits

  • Be more curious

  • Understand and feel your emotions

  • Ask for help

  • Say no more often

What Can Therapists Do To Facilitate & Integrate Self Compassion Into Therapy?

  • Consistency

  • Modeling

  • Patience

  • Compassion

  • Being a good enough therapist (not striving for perfection)

  • Providing education on what may be occurring so clients are aware 

  • Teaching skills to manage overwhelming thoughts and feelings

  • Reframing unhelpful/negative ways of being as survival skills or ways to get needs met historically 

  • Encouraging support outside of therapy through strong healthy relationships 

How Do I Practice Self Compassion When…

  • I have never practiced self compassion before?

  • When so many other people are suffering around me?

  • When I feel like a bad person?

  • When I’m not used to feeling good about myself?

  • I’m unsure what unconditional love feels like because I never had it?

Common Statements When Clients Get Stuck With Self Compassion

  • I want to be like other people. Life seems so much easier for me.

  • I do not deserve to treat myself like a friend or loved one.

  • All of my pain and hurt was my own fault. 

  • I deserved to be hurt.

  • I let myself be abused by others. 

  • I should have known better. 

  • I’m a pathetic person.

  • I’m such a coward. I’m always so scared.

  • Don’t try to convince me to like myself. I’m not buying it.

  • All humans are disgusting and evil. I don’t trust anyone.

  • People are inconsiderate and have always hurt me. Don’t try to convince me otherwise.

Reminders & Tips

  • Self compassion is not

    • A binary (good vs. bad)

    • Easy and natural 

    • A check mark or goal

    • About being perfect

    • About fixing or solving a problem 

  • Self compassion is 

    • Requires work and effort

    • Lifelong

    • A journey

    • About being a real human beings with flaws and who make mistakes 

    • Acknowledgement about what’s currently present here right now

Ultimately, self compassion is about

  • Creating more space in your life

  • Slowing down

  • Being more curious 

  • Normalizing that mistakes are to be expected and teach us things 

Try to remember the following

  • Understanding there are not shortcuts to healing 

  • There is no one size fits all solution for self compassion. Find the methods that work best for you, your personality, your culture, your preferences, etc.


Try This #1 - Replace But with And

  • Using “but” can discount everything you said prior while using “and” is a bridge and connects to your next sentence

  • “I love you, but you just don’t listen” vs. “I love you and would it be possible for you to listen to me right now?”

  • “I’m not great at self compassion right now and I will become better at it with more practice”

  • “I’d like to heal at a much quicker pace as I notice my impatience and I’m glad I’m starting to prioritize myself and take good care of myself right now”

Try This #2 - Notice The Way You Talk To Yourself 

  • Every time you talk to yourself in a negative or mean way, write this down on a piece of paper. At the end of the day, tally the number of times you attacked yourself. Do this at the end of each week and each month.

  • This process of externalizing (or getting rid of our thoughts from our head onto a piece of paper) can be helpful in seeing how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves (the effects of negative self talk)

    • “I’m learning…”

    • “I’m doing the best I can..”

    • “I’m learning a new language and this language is kinder and more compassionate”

    • “I was not taught the language of emotions and kindness. I am teaching myself now…”

    • “It’s really hard and I am doing it…”

  • Resource: Types of Cognitive Distortions

Try This #3 - Stop Talking To Yourself The Way Your Abusers Talked To You

  • Learn to reparent yourself

  • Now that you know what you know, what do you wish you were told or shown as a helpless child? Say that to yourself instead of demanding, criticizing, or yelling at yourself. This can include:

    • “I’m sorry you were all alone”

    • “I’m sorry you were in so much pain”

    • “I see you hurting”

    • “I’m here now”

    • “I hear you and I’m listening”

    • “Your feelings are valid”

    • “You matter to me”

  • Resource: Pete Walker’s Affirmation & Shrinking The Inner Critic http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm 

Try This #4 - Mirror Work

  • Look into the mirror, take a breath, steady yourself, and repeat some positive affirmations 

    • “I love you”

    • “I love all of you”

    • “I want to love all of you”

    • “I am learning to love myself. It’s really strange and I’m doing it right now.”

    • “I am learning to be kinder to myself. It’s really hard and I’m doing it right now.”

  • Tip: You might laugh at first, laugh, and not believe anything you’re saying. That’s okay. Keep practicing it. You can try saying “I am learning” first. Over time, these automatic responses will change and shift.

Try This #5 - Listen to Loving Kindness Meditations

Try This #6 - Practice Compassionate Toward Others Then Yourself 

  • What would my friends say to me?

  • What would I say to a friend?

    • “You did the best you could”

    • “I’m sorry you’re hurting”

    • “You’re a great friend”

    • “You’re a great person”

    • “I’m not sure what to say and if you’re open to it, I’d like to just be with you right now so you aren’t alone”

  • Tip: Review Pete Walker’s Affirmations

  • Resource: Self Compassion by Kristin Neff 

Try This #7 - Tara Brach’s RAIN Meditation

  • Recognize 

    • What is going on right now? 

    • What am I feeling?

  • Acknowledge, Allow & Accept

    • Allow the experience to be there, just as it is

    • I acknowledge I feel…

    • I acknowledge my thoughts…

  • Investigate 

    • Investigate with interest and care 

    • Where do I feel this emotion in or around my body?

    • I wonder why I feel this way

    • I wonder what’s happening inside of me right now

  • Nourish & Nurture 

    • With self-compassion 

    • What would feel good right now?

    • What can I do for myself at this moment to take good care of myself?

  • Listen to the meditation here

Resources

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