Healing Trauma With Self Compassion
Myths of Self Compassion
It’s indulgent
I’m pitying myself
It’s whiny
I’m complaining
It’s useless
It’s a waste of time
It’s not backed by evidence or research
The Reality of Self Compassion
Takes work
Takes time
Take practice
Takes patience
Is like learning a new language
Is especially difficult for survivors of trauma who tend to talk to themselves in critical, demanding, and judgemental ways
Is backed by research and evidence. Read some of the research here
Self Criticism, Judgements & Demands Keeps Us Stuck
Learning to speak to yourself the way your abusers talked to you
Internalized oppression (internalizing harmful and incomplete messages from the dominant culture)
Self attack as a form of protection
Self attack as a form of false control
Self attack as a form of anxiety regulation
Self attack as a form of trauma repetition or re-enactments
Self attack as a form of what has become normalized and expected over time
Reasons Why Self Compassion Is So Difficult For Survivors Of Trauma
It feels uncomfortable bringing up feelings like disgust, guilt, anger, sadness, grief, indignation, fear, terror, embarrassment
Shame (“I am bad”)
Internalizing the abuse they received (e.g. blaming themselves, self compassion was/is dangerous, believing they don’t deserve kindness)
Justification, rationalization, and/or intellectualization
You believe it’s unrealistic and impossible to practice
Can trigger clients
Brings up anger, rage, irritation which can often times lead to self-attack
Core beliefs don’t match with self compassion principles
“When things are going well for me, I think something is wrong.”
“I’m not used to feeling relaxed”
Few past experiences where joy, calm, peace, relaxation, happiness were experienced, shared, and supported by others (usually punished, violated, abused)
Usually easier to be kinder to others than themselves
Symptoms of Childhood Trauma & How It Interferes With Self Compassion
Difficulties in interpersonal relationships and getting close to others
Difficulties feeling positive emotions (and oftentimes, a resistance to positive emotions due to shame)
Difficulties making eye contact
Negative core beliefs about themselves and the world
Hypervigilance
Rejection sensitivity
Fear of abandonment
Shame and feeling not good enough
Why Compassion & Self Compassion is a Superpower
It can change us and the people around us. Research shows that when we show compassion toward others, it makes us feel better, too. And the more we show it, the more we inspire it in others.
Practical Applications of Self Compassion
Stop comparing yourself
Break the cycle of perfection and be good enough
Set limits
Be more curious
Understand and feel your emotions
Ask for help
Say no more often
What Can Therapists Do To Facilitate & Integrate Self Compassion Into Therapy?
Consistency
Modeling
Patience
Compassion
Being a good enough therapist (not striving for perfection)
Providing education on what may be occurring so clients are aware
Teaching skills to manage overwhelming thoughts and feelings
Reframing unhelpful/negative ways of being as survival skills or ways to get needs met historically
Encouraging support outside of therapy through strong healthy relationships
How Do I Practice Self Compassion When…
I have never practiced self compassion before?
When so many other people are suffering around me?
When I feel like a bad person?
When I’m not used to feeling good about myself?
I’m unsure what unconditional love feels like because I never had it?
Common Statements When Clients Get Stuck With Self Compassion
I want to be like other people. Life seems so much easier for me.
I do not deserve to treat myself like a friend or loved one.
All of my pain and hurt was my own fault.
I deserved to be hurt.
I let myself be abused by others.
I should have known better.
I’m a pathetic person.
I’m such a coward. I’m always so scared.
Don’t try to convince me to like myself. I’m not buying it.
All humans are disgusting and evil. I don’t trust anyone.
People are inconsiderate and have always hurt me. Don’t try to convince me otherwise.
Reminders & Tips
Self compassion is not
A binary (good vs. bad)
Easy and natural
A check mark or goal
About being perfect
About fixing or solving a problem
Self compassion is
Requires work and effort
Lifelong
A journey
About being a real human beings with flaws and who make mistakes
Acknowledgement about what’s currently present here right now
Ultimately, self compassion is about
Creating more space in your life
Slowing down
Being more curious
Normalizing that mistakes are to be expected and teach us things
Try to remember the following
Understanding there are not shortcuts to healing
There is no one size fits all solution for self compassion. Find the methods that work best for you, your personality, your culture, your preferences, etc.
Try This #1 - Replace But with And
Using “but” can discount everything you said prior while using “and” is a bridge and connects to your next sentence
“I love you, but you just don’t listen” vs. “I love you and would it be possible for you to listen to me right now?”
“I’m not great at self compassion right now and I will become better at it with more practice”
“I’d like to heal at a much quicker pace as I notice my impatience and I’m glad I’m starting to prioritize myself and take good care of myself right now”
Try This #2 - Notice The Way You Talk To Yourself
Every time you talk to yourself in a negative or mean way, write this down on a piece of paper. At the end of the day, tally the number of times you attacked yourself. Do this at the end of each week and each month.
This process of externalizing (or getting rid of our thoughts from our head onto a piece of paper) can be helpful in seeing how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves (the effects of negative self talk)
“I’m learning…”
“I’m doing the best I can..”
“I’m learning a new language and this language is kinder and more compassionate”
“I was not taught the language of emotions and kindness. I am teaching myself now…”
“It’s really hard and I am doing it…”
Resource: Types of Cognitive Distortions
Try This #3 - Stop Talking To Yourself The Way Your Abusers Talked To You
Learn to reparent yourself
Now that you know what you know, what do you wish you were told or shown as a helpless child? Say that to yourself instead of demanding, criticizing, or yelling at yourself. This can include:
“I’m sorry you were all alone”
“I’m sorry you were in so much pain”
“I see you hurting”
“I’m here now”
“I hear you and I’m listening”
“Your feelings are valid”
“You matter to me”
Resource: Pete Walker’s Affirmation & Shrinking The Inner Critic http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
Try This #4 - Mirror Work
Look into the mirror, take a breath, steady yourself, and repeat some positive affirmations
“I love you”
“I love all of you”
“I want to love all of you”
“I am learning to love myself. It’s really strange and I’m doing it right now.”
“I am learning to be kinder to myself. It’s really hard and I’m doing it right now.”
Tip: You might laugh at first, laugh, and not believe anything you’re saying. That’s okay. Keep practicing it. You can try saying “I am learning” first. Over time, these automatic responses will change and shift.
Try This #5 - Listen to Loving Kindness Meditations
Listen to it here
Try This #6 - Practice Compassionate Toward Others Then Yourself
What would my friends say to me?
What would I say to a friend?
“You did the best you could”
“I’m sorry you’re hurting”
“You’re a great friend”
“You’re a great person”
“I’m not sure what to say and if you’re open to it, I’d like to just be with you right now so you aren’t alone”
Tip: Review Pete Walker’s Affirmations
Resource: Self Compassion by Kristin Neff
Try This #7 - Tara Brach’s RAIN Meditation
Recognize
What is going on right now?
What am I feeling?
Acknowledge, Allow & Accept
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
I acknowledge I feel…
I acknowledge my thoughts…
Investigate
Investigate with interest and care
Where do I feel this emotion in or around my body?
I wonder why I feel this way
I wonder what’s happening inside of me right now
Nourish & Nurture
With self-compassion
What would feel good right now?
What can I do for myself at this moment to take good care of myself?
Listen to the meditation here
Resources
It wasn’t your fault (book)
Looking for more trauma resources? Click here for a list of evidenced based trauma therapies, books, and workbooks.