Tips Toward Building Self Compassion For Trauma Survivors

Tip #1: Small Steps & Start Slow

• Do one thing a day rather than trying to change your entire life in this very moment

• Remember, slow is fast and fast is slow

• Things you can consider trying out:

  • Reading about self compassion

  • Watching videos on self compassion

  • Talking to others about compassion

  • Practicing self compassion guided meditations

  • Practicing self compassionate touch

  • Practicing self compassionate thinking

  • Practicing self compassionate breathing

  • Saying one kind thing to yourself a day

  • And more

Tip #2: Patience & Take Your Time

• Healing takes time

• Compassion for others and self takes time

• Try to avoid rushing and putting pressure on yourself to “get it right” or “do compassion correctly”

• Try to accept where you are at presently with compassion

• Reflect on where you are now versus where you used to be a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, and a decade ago

Tip #3: Clarify Myths Around Self Compassion

• There are many myths about self compassion including:

  • Self compassion will lead me to becoming lazy and procrastinating

  • Self compassion will result in me being fake, inauthentic, and incongruent with who I really am

  • Self compassion is for X sort of people/individuals/groups of people

  • Only certain people deserve self compassion

  • Self compassion isn’t possible

  • And more

• In truth, self compassion is for everyone. However, not all of us have experienced compassion for ourselves due to the ways we grew up, who raised us, and/or the society and culture we live in

• Self compassion is about the common humanity we all go through and experience (being imperfect, making mistakes, guilt, grief, etc.)

• Self compassion increases resilience because it motivates us with kindness and curiousity rather than with judgement, criticism, and harshness. Research shows self compassion increases our ability to manage stress and overwhelm.

Tip #4: Treat Yourself As You Would A Good Friend/Child/Pet/Younger Self

• Imagine yourself talking to someone you care, trust, and love.

• How would you respond to them? What. Sorts of questions would you ask? How would you hold space for them during the conversation? Would you interrupt them? Try to fix and solve? Would you just patiently listen? How would you respond to this person when they judge or criticize themselves? How would you reassure this person mistakes and imperfections are normal and a part of life, rather than a defining trait of who they are?

• This could be a pet, good friend, close family member, a niece/nephew/child, or your younger self/inner child

• Common questions could include:

• What is happening inside of me right now?

• What do I feel or sense inside?

• What am I thinking? What are my thoughts saying to me?

• What are the quality of my thoughts like? Are they questions? Are they thoughts or statements? Are my thoughts fast or slow?

• And more

• Common statements could include:

• I’m doing the best I can

• In this moment, I’m suffering and in a great deal of pain

• I’m learning to treat myself with compassion and it’s really hard

• I’m learning to do the opposite of how I automatically treat and talk to myself and I’m doing pretty good

• And more

Tip #5: Understand The Form & Function of Your Inner Critic

• Criticism, judgement, shame, and harshness can often interrupt the flow of self compassion

• Therefore, it’s important to understand why your inner critic exists and how and when it developed

• Questions you can ask yourself:

  • What made it necessary for the inner critic part of me to criticize me?

  • Who historically talked to this inner critic part of me this way?

  • What are the best hopes or wishes for my inner critic part?

  • What is my inner critic part trying to protect me from?

  • What are the fears and worries of the inner critic part about accepting and receiving self compassion?

• You can read more about the inner critic from Pete Walker here: Pete Walker, in an article on his website, "Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD": http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Tip #6: Understand Your Triggers

• What triggers your aversion to self compassion? Understanding your triggers helps with interrupting the cycle of avoidance and sabotage.

• Sample triggers can include:

  • Direct eye contact

  • Offering to pay for you

  • Giving you a gift

  • Silence

  • Receiving compliments

  • Receiving a promotion

  • Physical touch like a hug or handholding

  • Attention on you

  • And more

• Once you understand your triggers, begin to notice your automatic cognitive and bodily/somatic responses:

• Sample somatic responses when triggered:

  • Withdrawing

  • Recoiling

  • Eyebrows going up

  • Rolling my eyes

  • Hands ball up in a fist

  • Heart racing

  • Tense shoulders

  • Head racing and fast thoughts

  • Shutting down and slowing down/freeze or floating out of my body

  • And more

• Sample cognitive responses when triggered:

  • “This is weird”

  • “What do you want from me?”

  • “What do I do with what you just offered me?”

  • “This is uncomfortable”

  • “I want to leave the room”

  • “This is scary”

  • And more

Tip #7: Practice

• Carve out time for yourself daily or weekly to practice the work of self compassion

• Practice is necessary because over time, you’ll get better at the skill of self compassion