How Does Childhood Trauma Show Up In Romantic Relationships?
Mistrust
Epistemic Trust
Epistemic trust describes the willingness to accept new information from another person as trustworthy, generalizable, and relevant.
It has been recently proposed that a pervasive failure to establish epistemic trust may underpin personality disorders.
Difficulty trusting your partner
Difficulty trusting yourself
Examples of how mistrust can show up in romantic relationships
Mind reading and assuming
Projection
Issues with assertive boundaries
Issues with healthy communication
Anxious attachment
Anxiety
Panic and worry
Fear of rejection
Fear of abandonment
And more
Common statements
I feel like my partner is going to cheat on me
I have this sense you’re going to break up with me
Why are you with me?
Are you angry at me? I feel like you’re angry at me
And more
Detachment and/or Avoidance of Intimacy
Emotional detachment and/or avoiding intimacy (sex, touch, vulnerability, etc.) are common ways childhood trauma and neglect show up in romantic relationships
Examples of how lack of intimacy can show up in romantic relationships
Aversion to physical touch
Aversion to sex
Aversion to emotions
Aversion to vulnerability, sharing, and opening up emotionally
Disconnection from your body, feelings, and sensations
Wanting intimacy, but unsure of how to ask for it
Wanting intimacy, but fearing it or being repulsed
When a relationship deepens and gets more serious, wanting to avoid/go away/withdraw/becoming aloof/etc.
Lack of serious conversations
Laughing at painful experiences and situations
Difficulty holding space for yourself and/or your partner’s emotional experience
Wanting to fix/solve/do something rather than staying in the moment/still/silence/etc.
And more
Common statements
I feel like I’m floating out of my body
My life doesn’t feel like my life. It’s like watching a movie on a screen
I feel so uncomfortable with you being close to me
I feel uncomfortable when you share your feelings with me. I’m not sure what to do or how to respond
I want to fix or make things better when you’re in distressed
It’s hard for me to just listen to you when you are overwhelmed emotionally because I have this urge to make it go away and help you feel better
And more
Disconnected & Fragmented Identity
Identity refers to how we see ourselves
Examples of how a disconnected or fragmented identity can show up in romantic relationships
Not knowing who you really are behind the masks you portray
Pushing down your natural emotions and feelings
Being a chameleon and adapting your personality with different people
Feeling empty
Rigid boundaries (wanting 100% structure, control)
Porous boundaries (enmeshment, codependency, people pleasing, fawning)
Seeing yourself in one dimensional, linear, and limited way
Talking to yourself in an unhelpful, negative manner
Shame (“I am bad”)
Self blame
Feeling alone in your experience and like nobody gets you or understands you
Trauma fixation
Learned helplessness
Giving up quickly when you’re not good at something
Trauma repetition or repetition compulsion (unconsciously re-enacting your trauma in order to master/fix/solve the initial traumatic event(s)).
And more
Common statements
I don’t really know how to relax
I don’t really know who I am
I don’t really know what I like to do
I don’t really have hobbies
I’ve always done things because I had to do them, not because they were fun or leisure activities
I’m really good at my job
I’m good at taking care of others and anticipating their needs
I don’t really know what I feel or sense inside
I feel disconnected from myself often
I feel like my life isn’t real and it’s a movie
And more
Low Self Esteem
Low self esteem
Examples of how low self esteem can show up in romantic relationships
Difficulty with conflcit, tension, and disagreements
Taking things personal to an extreme
Fear of abandonment and relationship ending
Confirmation bias
Seeking consistent validation from others
Needing consistent reassurance your partner isn’t angry or frustrated at you
And more
Common statements
I don’t know what to do when someone gives me compliments
I feel uncomfortable when people look at me and the attention is all on me
I don’t feel like I deserve X
When there’s a disagreement or conflict, I feel like a bad person and it was my fault
I fear people will leave me
And more
Fear & Safety
Lack of safety, terror, and fear are common reactions to traumatic events
This fear shows up not just in our mind/brain, but in our body
Cultivating a deeper sense of safety inside of our mind/brain and body is one of the goals of trauma therapy
Examples include:
Fear of close relationships, especially as trust is beginning to develop
Fear of abandonment
Fear of people
Fear of social situations and crowds
Fear of new situations and experiences
Fear of going outside of your house
Fear of emotional rejection
Fear of physical rejection
Fear of opening up to others emotionally
Fear of being abused/hit/thrown something
Fear of being yelled at/screamed at/blamed/shamed
And more
Common statements when someone is still stuck from traumatic experiences:
“The world is very dangerous everywhere”
“People will always try to harm me”
“There is nowhere safe to be”
“I will never be hurt by others”
“Others are out to harm me and most people will hurt me if they can”
“I cannot protect myself”
“I can protect myself from any harm”
“It can’t happen to me”
Common statements when traumatic experiences are processed and actively worked on:
“There are some people out there who are dangerous, but not everyone is out to harm me in some way”
“There may be some people who will try to harm me, but not everyone I meet will hurt me. I can take precautions to reduce the likelihood that others can hurt me”