Why Do I Feel Unsafe With Other People As a Survivor of Trauma?

Fear & Safety

• Lack of safety, terror, and fear are common reactions to traumatic events because the mind and body has been violated

  • Boundaries have been crossed without consent

  • Extraordinary things have occurred that shouldn’t have occurred like abuse, neglect, accidents, sudden loss, etc.

  • The body keeps the score so tension, pain, fatigue, armoring are common somatic reactions to trauma

• This fear shows up not just in our mind/brain, but in our body

• Cultivating a deeper sense of safety inside of our mind/brain and body is one of the goals of trauma therapy

• Examples include:

  • Fear of close relationships, especially as trust is beginning to develop

  • Fear of boundaries being crossed without consent

  • Fear of loss of independence/agency/self autonomy

  • Fear of abandonment or being left behind/discarded/rejected

  • Fear of people or certain types of people

  • Fear of social situations and crowds (anxiety)

  • Fear of new situations and experiences (uncertainty)

  • Fear of going outside of your house (hypervigilance)

  • Fear of emotional rejection

  • Fear of physical rejection

  • Fear of opening up to others emotionally

  • Fear of being abused/hit/thrown something

  • Fear of being yelled at/screamed at/blamed/shamed

  • And more

Common statements when someone is still stuck from traumatic experiences:

1. “The world is very dangerous everywhere”

2. “People will always try to harm me”

3. “There is nowhere safe to be”

4. “I will never be hurt by others”

5. “Others are out to harm me and most people will hurt me if they can”

6. “I cannot protect myself”

7. “I can’t protect myself from any harm”

8. “Bad things will always happen to me”

Common statements when traumatic experiences are processed and actively worked on:

1. “There are some people out there who are dangerous, but not everyone is out to harm me in some way”

2. “There may be some people who will try to harm me, but not everyone I meet will hurt me. I can take precautions to reduce the likelihood that others can hurt me”

Hypervigilance

• Hypervigilance is defined as the feeling of being constantly on guard for the purpose of detecting potential danger, even when the risk of danger is low

• A state of heightened awareness and watchfulness

• Examples of hypervigilance:

  • Sweating

  • Heart racing

  • Being on edge

  • Restlessness

  • Scanning environment for danger

  • Reading facial cues

  • Listening to vocal cues and tones

  • Anger

  • Frustration

  • Irritability

  • Easily startled

  • Jumpiness

  • And more

What Can I Do To Feel Safer?

• Learn about the nervous system through reading books, listening to podcasts, watching videos, and reading articles of the following topics:

  • Neuroception

  • Interoception

  • Window of Tolerance

  • Autonomic Nervous System

  • Dysregulation

  • Fight, flight, freeze, fright, and fawn responses

• Befriend your nervous system through the following:

  • Naming your feelings and sensations (name it, to tame it)

  • Locating your feelings and sensations inside of your body (if there’s an empty sheet of paper with the outline of your body, color in the feelings and sensations)

  • Grounding and resourcing yourself when overwhelmed (54321, feet on ground, deep breaths, touch something slowly, smell something, etc.)

  • Orienting to the room around you/environment around you slowly and with curiousity

  • And more

• Practice the above skills consistently

  • Practice over and over

  • Over time, you will embody the skills and it will become easier and more natural to break the automatic reactions you’ve learned due to traumatic experiences

  • Over time, your brain will learn to distinguish between perception of danger and real danger

  • Initially, the skills will feel clunky/difficult/challenging/unnatural because you’re not used to it yet

• Get to know the beliefs/stories/narratives you tell yourself

  • Are they helpful or unhelpful?

  • Are they negative, positive, or neutral?

  • Are they based on adaptive survival or adaptive thriving?

• Practice patience

  • Healing takes time

  • Rarely does pushing through/forcing yourself result in long lasting positive change

• Practice self compassion

  • Always come back to compassion, not judgement, criticism, shaming, blaming, demand, etc.

  • Rarely does criticism and demand lead to long lasting positive change

• Engage in some sort of daily somatic practice and do it slowly and mindfully

  • Yoga

  • Pilates

  • Running

  • Exercising

  • Strength training

  • Stretching

  • Walking

  • Mindfulness

  • Meditation

  • Breath work

  • And more

• Share your inner world with others you trust and love (rather than keeping it inside and internalizing it)

  • Start small

  • Start with easy people first (closed trusted people vs. strangers or people you don’t know)

  • Then as it becomes a bit easier, share with strangers or new people

• Seek out professional help

  • A support group

  • A licensed therapist

  • And more

Read My Other Blog Posts on Trauma

• Childhood Trauma and Adult Trust Issues. Why is it hard for me to trust others?

• Signs & Symptoms Of Childhood Trauma in Adulthood

• More Signs You May Notice As You’re Healing From Trauma

• How Do I Heal From Childhood Trauma?

• Common Core Beliefs of Trauma Survivors

• How Trauma Affects Your Self Esteem

• Signs You Were Raised By Emotionally Immature Parents

• How Does Childhood Trauma Show Up In Romantic Relationships?

• Tips Toward Building Self Compassion For Trauma Survivors

• What Is Trauma’s Fawn Response (People Pleasing & Appeasing)

• Unresolved Trauma and its Impacts on Relationships

• How To Release Body Tension & Stress From Trauma

• 6 Signs You May Notice As You’re Healing From Trauma