Signs & Symptoms Of Childhood Trauma in Adulthood
Symptoms of Childhood Emotional Neglect & Trauma
Someone who…
Judges themselves more harshly than they judge others
Has trouble knowing what they’re feeling
Secretly feeling there’s something wrong with you (I”m not normal”)
Feels consistently empty inside
Is hyper vigilant
Flinches or jumps at loud noises or someone coming up to them without announcement/unexpectedly
Views the world in a negative light to an extreme
Constantly on edge
Fearful about something bad happening
Is very independent and self-reliant to a fault
Learned not to trust others
Others were unsafe and dangerous
Others would let you down and fail you
Difficulties with boundaries
Has porous boundaries and others take advantage of them
Difficulty saying no
Wants others to like them
Fears conflict and tension
Has addiction and substance use issues
Hoards items and money, even if they are secure and safe now as an adult
Laughs at everything (especially things that aren’t funny and painful)
Symptoms of depression and anxiety
Extremely anxious and worried
Finds life hopeless
Feels easily overwhelmed
Unable to remember large parts of their childhood
Difficulty in relationships
Over apologizes for everything and is afraid to take up space
Self isolates and avoids
Yearns for validation and people pleases
Seeks constant attention and finds this as a way to feel good about themselves
Who is overly helpful, accommodating, thoughtful
Has a low sense of Self and finds it hard to believe and trust in themself
Is extremely emotionally intelligent and picks up on everything
Nonverbal communication, faces, tone of voice
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?
Childhood emotional neglect is a failure of parents or caregivers to respond to a child’s emotional needs. This type of neglect in childhood can have harmful consequences into adulthood.
A parent may fulfill the child’s physical needs such as a home, clothing and food, as well as their educational needs; however fail to support their child emotionally, leading to the child’s inability to develop healthy emotions later in life.
The child may believe that since parents ignored emotions such as anger and sadness, this means that their emotions do not matter or are unacceptable.
Characteristics of emotionally neglectful parents:
Selfish or self-involved parents
Put their own needs first
Cannot validate their child’s own personality
Expect to be praised by their child
Energy taken up by life struggles and transitions (divorce, loss, single parent)
Parents who were emotionally neglected as children
“But if there is an absence of such validation of a child’s importance to the parent, if a child is made to feel shame for wanting or needing attention from one parent or the other often enough, she will grow up being blind to many of her own emotional needs.”
— Jonice Webb, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
What is Childhood Trauma?
Child abuse is harm or risk of harm caused to a child by a parent, caretaker or another person responsible for the child’s safety.
This can include:
Physical abuse
Neglect
Emotional abuse
Sexual abuse
Children who have experienced traumatic events need to feel safe and loved. Not every child who experiences a traumatic event will develop symptoms of traumatic stress.
Whether or not you do depends on a range of factors including:
History of previous trauma exposure, because children who have experienced prior traumas are more likely to develop symptoms after a recent event
An individual child’s mental and emotional strengths and weaknesses
What kind of support they have at home and elsewhere
“When a child’s emotions are not acknowledged or validated by her parents, she can grow up to be unable to do so for herself. As an adult, she may have little tolerance for intense feelings or for any feelings at all. She might bury them, and tend to blame herself for being angry, sad, nervous, frustrated, or even happy. The natural human experience of simply having feelings becomes a source of secret shame. “What is wrong with me?” is a question she may often ask herself.”
— Jonice Webb, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
What Can Cause Childhood Trauma?
Abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional)
Neglect
Witnessing harm to a loved one or pet (e.g., domestic or community violence)
Unpredictable parental behavior due to addiction or mental illness
Bullying
Natural disasters or accidents
Alcohol/substance abuse, current or past, addictive behaviours
Separations from parents or caregivers
Experience of intergenerational abuse/trauma
Compounded or unresolved experiences of loss and grief
Chaotic household/lifestyle/problem gambling
Poverty, financial hardship, unemployment
Social isolation (family, extended family, community and cultural isolation)
Inadequate housing/transience/homelessness
Disadvantaged community
Racism
Discrimination, oppression, and violence
Recent refugee experience
“The art of not experiencing feelings. A child can experience her feelings only when there is somebody there who accepts her fully, understands her, and supports her. If that person is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother’s love of her substitute in order to feel, then she will repress emotions.
”
— Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
Parentification
Parentification is when the roles are reversed between a child and a parent (the child becomes the parent, the parent comes the child). It is a form of mental abuse and boundary violation.
Some causes of parentification can include:
Divorce or separation
Death of a parent or sibling
Alcoholism or drug addiction of one or both parents
Chronic disease or disability of one or both parents, or a sibling
Mental illness in a parent/parents or sibling
Physically abusive relationship between parents
Physically or sexually abusive parent/child relationship
Having immature, emotionally unavailable or depressed parents
Examples of Parentification
Burdening the child with intimate emotions and worries
Punishing the child when she does not respond to emotional pleas for help with attunement and sympathy
Silent treatment for ‘failing’ the parent
Revealing details / complaining about other members of the family, with the expectation of support and allegiance
Disclosing sexual detail and information about themselves or their sex life
Forcing the child to take on household duties and responsibilities
“Without realizing that the past is constantly determining their present actions, they avoid learning anything about their history. They continue to live in their repressed childhood situation, ignoring the fact that is no longer exists, continuing to fear and avoid dangers that, although once real, have not been real for a long time.”
— Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Grew up in a chaotic and unstable home
People Pleasing: Crave acceptance and seek approval from others
Become compulsive caretakers
Self Critical: Judge themselves without mercy
Have difficulty with intimate relationships
Over-react to changes over which they have no control
Feel overly responsible for other’s needs, wants, and emotions
Offering advice and help to others, even when it’s not asked for
May become codependent
Difficulties setting and asserting boundaries
Difficulty knowing what they need and want
Shame & Loneliness: Difficulty establishing a sense of self (lacks a core sense of self)
“You probably had fantasies about leaving home, about running away, about having it over with, about your alcoholic parent becoming sober and life being fine and beautiful. You began to live in a fairy-tale world, with fantasy and in dreams. You lived a lot on hope, because you didn’t want to believe what was happening. You knew that you couldn’t talk about it with your friends or adults outside your family. Because you believed you had to keep these feelings to yourself, you learned to keep most of your other feelings to yourself. You couldn’t let the rest of the world know what was going on in your home. Who would believe you, anyway?”
— Janet Geringer Woititz, Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition
The Drama Of The Gifted Child
The "drama" of the gifted - i.e., sensitive, alert - child consists of his recognition at a very early age of his parents' needs and of his adaptation to these needs.
In the process, he learns to repress rather than to acknowledge his own intense feelings because they are unacceptable to his parents. Although it will not always be possible to avoid these "ugly" feelings (anger, indignation, despair, jealousy, fear) in the future, they will split off, and the most vital part of the "true self" will not be integrated into the personality.
This leads to emotional insecurity and loss of self, which are revealed in depression or concealed behind the facade of grandiosity.
“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”
— Virginia Satir
Childhood Trauma & Emotional Neglect Therapy in Seattle, WA
I am a therapist in Seattle, Washington specializing in working with people recovering from childhood trauma and emotional neglect.
I realize the widespread impact of trauma, understand potential paths for recovery, and realize recovery is possible.
I can help you. I’ve helped many clients dealing with both singular traumatic events as well as complex, repeated, ongoing traumatic experiences. It is possible to heal and recover from trauma, violence, and systemic oppression.
The next step is to schedule a free consultation to see if we might be a good fit.