What Is Trauma’s Fawn Response (People Pleasing & Appeasing)
Fight, Flight, Freeze are common terms most people have heard of. However, few have heard of Fawn.
What is Fawning?
Fawning is a response or reaction to trauma where the goal is to please others and be others focused.
Trauma is an experience or circumstance that overwhelms our bodies, brains, and nervous system because of the possibility of death, violence, loss, and more.
Pete Walker coined the term fawn and defines it through the following: “The Fawn response is one of four defensive reactions to ongoing trauma. Those who fawn tend to put the needs and wants of others ahead of themselves at the cost of the health of their own egos, and the protection of and compassion for themselves.”
From: http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm
Common Issues For Fawners
Feeling unsafe, fearful, and attempting to reduce these feelings by forfeiting their needs, boundaries, and desires for others
Deferring to others
Attempting to read or pick up on others’ emotions and feelings
Feeling exhausted when around new people and/or in new social situations
Needing time and space away after spending long periods of time with others to recharge
Relinquishing their needs and focusing on others’ needs
Codependency (there is no me, there is only a we)
Poor boundaries in relationship with self and others (difficulty saying no)
People pleaser (anxiety around upsetting others or being an inconvenience)
Allowing others to walk over them
Lack of a sense of Self (e.g. self-esteem, self worth)
Lack of connection to one’s emotions and feelings
Difficulty having desire, fun, and playing
Dislikes spontaneity
Feeling lonely, invisible, and disconnected from others
Shame (I am bad)
Guilt (I did something bad)
Self attack, criticism, demand, and judgement
Anxiety
Common Type Of Fawners
Successful in career and school, though relationships are difficult
Externally focused (e.g. image, body, weight, awards, money)
Seeks external validation, though a temporary fix
Emotionally exhausted due to the internal work they do to please others and maintain the peace (doing the double the work)
Thinking of others
Thinking of others’ reactions
Thinking of others’ reactions to what they said
Playing out possible scenarios that could happen
Over functioners (constantly working, reading, exercising, distracting from the internal)
Highly anxious and worried about the “What ifs?”
Hyper vigilant (mistrustful, difficulty trusting others, difficultly feeling safe in their body)
Fearful of rejection and abandonment
High levels of shame and guilt
I am bad
I did something bad
Often taught conditional love and in turn believers in conditional love vs. unconditional love
If I am X, I will be loved
If I do X, I will earn love
Difficulty accepting and receiving love (sabotages or mistrusts people who are open and giving with their love)
Lives in scarcity, rather than abundance (thoughts tend to be negative/pessimistic/catastrophic)
Learning A Fawn Response Occurs Due To
Fear of chaos and conflict
Learning that conflict = bad and peace = good. Attempting to maintain the peace whenever possible.
Fear of abuse
If I clean my room and do the dishes, maybe I won’t be abused
Fear of neglect
If I get good grades and stay quiet and obedient, I won’t be too much for others
Experiencing hyper criticism and judgement growing up
Short term motivation through demand, criticism, and judgement
Not very often feeling wanted, seen, loved, and valued
Impossible standards and unrealistic expectations
A way to regulate emotions and feel more in control
Double bind
Feeling stuck (If I do this, I’m screwed, if I do this other thing, I’m also screwed)
Fear of others being angry at them
Anger is bad
Anger might signal something bad might happen (e.g. abuse or conflict) so best to avoid it
How to Heal From The Fawn Response
Fawning is an adaptive coping skill/tool that helps people survive. People are just trying to live, get their needs met, and exist.
However, sometimes, these skills/tools are continually used when there is no longer the danger of trauma, violence, or loss and thus becomes maladaptive or unhelpful.
Some Ways To Heal From Fawning Include
Engaging in inner child work and re-parenting
Being aware of fawning
Having language for fawning
Audio, verbal, and written reminders that you are indeed safe in the moment (if you are indeed safe at home or wherever you feel more control of)
I am safe right now in this moment
It is the year 2022
It is 3:08 p.m.
It is Monday
I am 22 years old
All the doors in my room are locked
Prioritizing your own needs and putting yourself first
Befriending your fawning part (getting to know it well rather than getting rid of it and pushing it away)
Making a list of how fawning has not served/helped you in life
Making a list of how fawning has served/helped you in life
Thanking it for helping you survive
Communicating with the fawning part that it might not need to help you now because right now in the present moment, you are indeed safe, worthy, and okay (if you are in a safe place and feel good)
Understanding you are not responsible for others’ emotions or happiness
Establishing healthy boundaries
Where did I learn boundaries from?
Who taught me boundaries?
Was it healthy boundaries? Was it unhealthy?
Types of boundaries
Counterdependence (I don’t need anyone and self-rely)
Codependence (I need you all the time, I can’t be alone and rely on others)
Interdependence (I need you sometimes and I can also rely on myself at other times)
Learning to say no and slowly becoming comfortable with it
Practice, practice, and start slow with those you trust and love
Being comfortable with conflict
This takes time as well; practice, practice, and start slow with those you trust and love
Being comfortable with feeling angry
This takes time as well; practice, practice
Understand your Window Of Tolerance and when you are feeling emotionally dsyregulated (triggered)
Am I hyperaroused or hypoaroused?
Hyperaroused: Irritable, angry, anxious, jittery, ruminating thoughts, blame, feeling deeply and intensely, overwhelmed, feeling hot in my body, racing heart beat.
Hypoaroused: Slowing down, disassociation, floating outside of my body, feeling not here in the moment, feeling frozen, shut down.
What do I need when I am triggered? How can I regulate/calm myself down?
How long am I triggered for on average?
What tends to happens before I am triggered?
What tends to happen during a trigger?
What tends to happen after I am triggered?
Becoming more comfortable with your body (sensations, feelings, tensions)
Where do I notice feeling angry?
Where do I notice feeling tense?
Where do I notice feeling scared?
How does my body store anxiety?
How can I discharge/release/let go of these sensations?
Having a different reaction when under pressure instead of fawning (cognitive, bodily/somatic)
Example: Instead of succumbing under pressure and taking care of someone else’s needs, focus on your own internal experience and do the opposite (or slowly learn to do the opposite) such as: saying no, taking a break, practicing compassion, asking for what you need, etc.
When we fawn, we have a somatic reaction/sensation inside. Get to know your reactions.
Seek professional help from a licensed therapist
Questions to Ask Yourself During A Conflict/Fight
Am I being honest with myself (and the other person)?
Am I over explaining and over apologizing as a habit and to please someone else?
Am I taking over responsibility for what is not my responsibility?
Am I trying to leave this fight/conflict as quickly as possible to seek relief from my discomfort?
What’s the worst thing that would happen if I asked for what I needed and focused on myself?
Fawning In Therapy
Those who fawn as an adaptive coping tool/skill often bring these tools/skills into therapy with their therapist (often unconsciously and completely unaware they are doing so).
Clients With A Fawn Response May
Want to please their therapist
Want their therapist to like them at the expense of doing the difficult and uncomfortable work of being messy and human. This can be because of false control.
Pick up the therapist’s feelings
Perhaps as a result of being granted the impacts of trauma’s gifts of emotional attunement to others
This can lead to an enactment or a trauma repetition where the client repeats their relational pattern of fawning and thus get “stuck” in therapy, unless the therapist is able to pick up on this dynamic and gently use it toward healing
Therapize themselves and point out their own defenses
In an attempt perhaps to regulate their anxiety
Or perhaps due to a relational pattern of disconnecting from others through talking, but not feeling
Appear on the surface to be functioning well
Putting on a mask/facade to hide their internal experience
“I don’t really know what to talk about”
“Everything is okay”
“I’m doing good”
Not want to be a “difficult” client so being extra considerate to their therapist, but doing so at the expense of their true desires/wants/goals/needs.
Examples: Withholding information that may cause distress, saying yes to everything, not soliciting feedback, looking at the time and seeing how much time is left, etc.
“Oh, it’s okay you were 10 minutes late. Don’t worry.”
“I don’t have feedback for you. Everything is going well.”
Have their therapists take the lead and set the agenda for therapy as they are unsure what they need or want
Or are too scared/fearful to ask for it
Be unsure about what they really need from therapy and their therapist
Perhaps this is a relational pattern occurring in other relationships outside of therapy
Or perhaps this is information and insight into how the person grew up (“My opinions, feelings, and thoughts were not valued growing up and perhaps punished, so I stopped focusing on myself, asking for what I need, and instead toward others”)
Be sure about what they really need, but scared to ask for it due to fear of rejection
Not want to be “too much” (e.g. overwhelming) and thus not really discussing what they want to discuss
Because of past experiences of invalidation of being “too much”
Stay with a therapist longer than necessary that is ineffective
Because of fear, worry, and anxiety of telling their therapist they require another approach, style, or type of therapy
There are many types of therapies (over 20) and different personalities, cultures, styles, and approaches to working with fawning. Not all approaches and styles will fit what you’re seeking.
One client may want a directive and engaged therapist who will talk with them and interrupt them at times
Another client may want a passive and neutral therapist who will allow them to talk more and free associate in session without being interrupted
One client may want an older therapist while another client may want a younger client or someone closer to their own age
Skilled Therapists Are Necessary To Work Effectively With Clients With Fawn Responses
A skilled and intuitive clinician will pick up on these dynamics and gently bring awareness to them so they do not play out in the therapeutic space (e.g. enactment and trauma repetition).
This is essentially a large part of the therapeutic work, which is why a relationship oriented therapist and someone who specializes in attachment and relationships is crucial. Moreover, this is why having both a trauma informed and trauma specific therapist is so important.
What Should Therapists Do & Not Do In Therapy?
Giving the client choice and agency vs. telling them what to do
“This is your therapy. What would you like to work on?”
“You are in charge of therapy. You are driving the car and I am in the passenger seat.”
Providing ample psychoeducation on what may be occurring vs. assuming clients know everything
“Did you know this people pleasing thing you do may be something called fawning?”
“Do you know what the window of tolerance is?”
“Did you there’s a word for what you’re describing to me right now?”
Validation vs. invalidation
“That makes sense why you feel that way”
“There’s nothing wrong with your feelings”
“What you’re saying is important…”
“What you’re feeling is important…”
“There’s a reason why you are feeling the way you do…”
“There’s a reason why you do what you do…”
Practicing curiosity vs. not assuming
“Can you tell me more?”
“Say more…”
“Can you explain further?”
“I could be wrong, but…”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but…”
“I’d love to understand you more…”
Asking for permission
“Would it be okay to talk about…?”
“Do I have your permission to point out when your critical thoughts come out to attack and harm you in today’s session?”
“With your permission, I would love to try something new so you don’t have to feel so overwhelmed with your emotions. What do you think about this idea?”
Respecting difference and diversity
“Can you tell me more about your culture/ethnicity/sexuality/gender/religion/faith?”
“Is your culture/ethnicity/etc. important to you?”
“Is incorporating parts of your culture/ethnicity/etc. important in our work together?”
Preparing them for the journey of therapy (e.g. what to expect, stages)
“In the first session, I ask all my clients these questions. I ask a lot of questions. These questions may bring up discomfort. You are welcome to skip them. Do you have any questions before we start?”
Fawning is an adaptive response or a psychological defense which worked previously in life to protect/defend against unbearable feelings and thoughts, but perhaps doesn’t serve the client anymore.
After all, therapy is an unique situation. A space entirely for the client to burden someone else for an hour without care taking them.
Read My Other Blog Posts on Trauma
How Does Childhood Trauma Show Up In Romantic Relationships?
Why Do I Feel Unsafe With Other People As a Survivor of Trauma?
Childhood Trauma and Adult Trust Issues. Why is it hard for me to trust others?
References & Further Reading
Trauma Resources
Looking for more trauma resources? Click here for a list of evidenced based trauma therapies, books, and workbooks.