Hyper Independence & Childhood Trauma
Self Reliance
If you grew up experiencing repeated negative/adverse events, you may have developed the belief that you can control others or future events related to others (including people in power).
If you had prior positive experiences in your relationships with others and in relation
to powerful others, you may have come to believe that you could influence others.The traumatic event may shatter this belief because you were unable to exert enough control, despite your best efforts, to prevent the event.
Common statements when someone is still stuck from traumatic experiences:
“People will always try to control you.”
“There is no point in even trying to fight against authority.”
“This event just proves that people have too much power over me.”
“I have control over everything that I do and say, as well as over the actions of others,”
“Because I can’t be completely in control, I might as well be out of control.”
“The traumatic event wouldn’t have happened if I had had better control over it.”
“I need to be perfect to be in control.”
“If I lose complete control over my emotions, something bad will happen.”
Common statements when traumatic experiences are processed and actively worked on:
“I cannot control all events outside myself, but I do have some control over what happens to me and my reactions to events.”
“I can try to notice all the little things I have control over in my life, and I can practice taking control over more things in my life that are important to me.”
“Even though I cannot always get everything I want in a relationship, I do have the ability to influence others by standing up assertively for my rights and asking for what I want.”
“Even though I may not get everything I want or need out of a relationship, I can assert myself and ask for it. A good relationship is one in which power is balanced between both people. If I am not allowed any control, I can exert my control in this relationship by ending it, if necessary.”
“I can learn to let others have some of the power in a relationship, and even enjoy having others take responsibility for some of the things that need to be done.”
Common Statements Of How Hyper Independence & Counter Dependency Shows Up In Relationships
High levels of criticisms and judgements (toward self and toward others)
Fear of abandonment
Fear of being too much
Needing a lot of space (physical, emotional)
Fear of losing autonomy/independence
Fear of not having choices/options
Difficulty with emotions and sensations (Awareness, naming, feeling, processing)
Feeling like you owe someone if they give you something
Wanting to end relationships/friendships quickly
Rationalizing, intellectualization, etc. as ways to make sense of things and process experiences
Difficulty receiving support and help from others
“I’ll just do it myself”
“I don’t need anyone”
“It’s hard to really trust people”
“I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I have to rely on someone because they’ll disappoint you eventually”
“I’ll never allow myself to fully be vulnerable with someone else again after being betrayed”
“I can trust people up to a certain point”
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What is Hyperindependence?
When someone tries to do everything on their own and never asks for help, even when they really need it.
They might feel like they should handle everything by themselves and worry that asking for help makes them weak.
This can make things harder for them and can sometimes cause them to feel stressed or lonely.
Asking for help is normal, okay, and makes life transitions and adjustments easier.
What is Counter-dependency?
When someone avoids getting close to others or asking for help because they’re afraid of relying on anyone.
They might feel like they need to be completely self-sufficient and push people away.
This can make it hard for them to build strong, supportive relationships.
What Type of Trauma Results In Hyper Independence?
Relational, interpersonal, or attachment trauma
Sexual abuse
Rape and sexual assault
Childhood abuse
Childhood neglect
Emotional neglect
Bullying
Sudden loss/abandonment
Foster care
Growing up in poverty
Growing up with community violence
Growing up with a parent with untreated mental health issues and/or substance use issues
Systemic traumas like racism, sexism, classism, ableism, etc.
And more
How Does Hyper Independence Help Survivors of Trauma?
Serves as a survival skill for painful experiences (usually interpersonal traumas, meaning in relationship)
Coping with life experiences
Out of necessity due to adverse experiences where nobody offered support, help, guidance, etc.
Having to take care of yourself at an early age
How Hyper Independence Develops
Physically absent caregiver/parent
Emotionally absent caregiver/parent
Punished for having emotional needs
Ignored for having emotional needs
What Hyper independence Looks Like
Difficulty asking for help
Difficulty trusting others
Trouble expressing feelings
Trouble expressing boundaries
Perfectionism
Over functioning
Fatigue and tired
High need for independence and personal space
Difficulty forming and sustaining relationships
Difficulty providing emotional support to others
Common Negative Core Beliefs
I am not safe
I am a bad person
I cannot get what I need
I have to be in control to be safe
It’s unsafe to be close
It’s not safe to rely or depend on others
Everyone I love leaves me
How Hyper Independence Shows Up In Relationships
Seeks to control (self and/or others)
Black and white/binary thinking
Difficulty maintaining eye contact
Difficulty forming and sustaining relationships
Desires physical distance
Difficulty trusting
Difficulty accepting goodness and happiness
Assumes others motives are bad/negative
How Do I Heal From Hyper Independence?
Reparenting Yourself
Mindfulness & The Here & Now
Expressing Yourself
Grief & Mourning
Self Compassion
Start Small
Practice Patience
Seek Support
Talk To Trusted People
Seek Out Professional Help