What Is Betrayal Trauma?

What Is Betrayal Trauma?

A situation when people or institutions on which a person relies for protection, resources, and survival violate the trust or well-being of that person.

Types of Betrayal Trauma

  • Infidelity

  • Affairs

  • Deception and lying

  • Gambling and/or problematic behavior

  • Talking about a partner behind their back

  • Receiving most of your emotional support from someone else besides your partner

The pain of being cheated on and lied to is overwhelmingly painful. Will the pain ever end?

 

Post Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD)

Psychologist Dennis Ortman coined PISD in his book. While PISD is not an official diagnosis in the DSM, it can be a helpful way for those impacted by betrayal trauma to make sense of their experiences. 

Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma & Impacts of Infidelity & Betrayal

Symptoms of betrayal trauma are very similar to PTSD.

  • Emotional reactivity

  • Hypervigilance

  • Sleep

  • Intrusive memories and images

  • Rumination (going over thoughts over and over again)

  • Rage

  • Grief and loss

  • Anxiety

  • Depression

  • Humiliation

  • Difficulty focusing/concentrating

  • Impacts on self-esteem

  • Shock and surprise

How Betrayal Trauma Shows Up In Your Relationship

  • Communication breakdown

  • Not communicating at all (surface level communication)

  • Feelings of anger, guilt, shame, sadness

  • Gaslighting

  • Manipulation

Your First Relationship Ended,  Let’s Heal & Begin Your Second Relationship

Relationships are inherently risky. We cannot control other people (nor should we be able to). The goal of relationships are to practice interdependence (not codependency, counter decadence, or independence).

When trust is broken, it can be restored through time, patience, effort, action, and healing.

For The Betrayed Partner: How Can I Trust My Partner Again?

  • Wondering if you want or can forgive your partner (and yourself)

  • Risking that you might be opening yourself to vulnerability and being hurt again in the future

  • Wondering if this relationship is “worth it” or to just give up and end it

  • Making space for your emotions and learning to regulate them

  • Curiosity and perhaps rumination around all the unspoken possibilities pre and post betrayal (“Why did this happen? Was it because of me? What does this all mean? Did you think about me and our family when you betrayed me?”)

The core message here is:

  • Do you know and feel my pain?

  • Is it too much for you?

  • Or can you handle it and sit with me in it?

  • Please acknowledge my pain and validate me.

For The Betrayer: How Can I Forgive Myself?

  • Accepting and tolerating your partner’s overwhelming (rightfully so) emotions

  • Accountability and facing up to your responsibilities that you hurt someone you love and cares about

  • Regaining your partner’s trust

  • Unpacking and exploring shame (“I am bad”)

  • Curiosity and perhaps rumination around all the unspoken possibilities pre and post betrayal (“Why did I betray? What’s wrong with me?”)

The core message here is: I hear you. I’m listening. What I did hurt you and it pains me to see you in this much pain AND I will sit with you in this. I will tolerate my own discomfort and pain because you matter to me. Let’s work on this together as I earn more of your trust back.

How Therapy For Betrayal Trauma Can Help

  • Acknowledging the wrongdoing/taking responsibility for your behaviors

  • Making space for all your emotions

  • Outlining your emotional cycle

  • Validation of your experiences (validation does not mean agreement, it means acceptance)

When Therapy Cannot Or Isn’t Helpful For Betrayal Trauma: 

  • When one partner doesn’t want to attend couples/relationship therapy

  • When there is active domestic violence of any sort (emotional, psychological, physical, sexual abuse)

  • When there is active infidelity occurring

  • When one partner has already given up and does not want to work issues out and try to heal/recover from the past

  • When one partner believes once trust is broken, it can never be repaired and healed

Trauma Resources

  • Looking for more trauma resources? Click here for a list of evidenced based trauma therapies, books, and workbooks.

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Transracial Adoptees and Adoption Trauma