Therapy For Men’s Issues
Men’s Socialization, Pressures & Expectations
Many men in American culture are socialized to not express their feelings, but to deal with issues in a logical or rational way. They are often taught that being emotional is a bad thing. It is not uncommon for men to conceal what they feel.
It is therefore not surprising that often men feel safer expressing anger rather than hurt; that some men work longer hours to avoid dealing with issues at home; that communication problems often exist in intimate relationships and emotional vulnerability is often avoided.
Men live under a code of masculinity that expects them to be: dominant, aggressive, high achieving, competitive, self-sufficient, adventure seeking, willing to take risks and emotionally restricted. Living up to these expectations can have a toll on emotional and personal well-being. As with psychological services, men are also less likely than women to seek medical advice for health-related problems. This is one of many factors why the average life expectancy for men is considerably shorter than for women.
“Strength is not the absence of vulnerability. Strength is knowing what your weaknesses are and working with them.”
― Terrence Real, How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women
Common Men’s Issues
Depression, mood
Anxiety, worry, stress, panic
Self confidence and self esteem issues
Relationship concerns
Family issues
Work and school related issues
Difficulties with intimacy and emotions
Anger issues
Jealousy
Grief and loss
Emotions work
Substance use
Sexual problems, erectile dysfunction, loss of libido, infidelity
Sexuality, attraction, and desire concerns
Porn addiction
Mid-life crisis issues
Reasons Why Men Don’t Go To Therapy
I can handle everything on my own
My problems aren’t that bad
I’m not weak
I don’t want to be judged
I can talk to my friends or family
I went to a therapist before and it wasn’t helpful
I don’t want to go on medication
I’m not sure where to start or what to do
Therapy is expensive
“To create loving men, we must love males. Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist-defined notions of male identity. Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males for simply being. When we love maleness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not.
Performance is different from simply being. In patriarchal culture males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do. In an anti-patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.”
― Bell Hooks, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love
Men Who Grew Up In Trauma & Neglect
Childhood trauma and neglect ruptures our sense of self, safety, and trust. Our early experiences shape our future relationships to ourselves and others.
Maybe you grew up:
Without a father and paternal figure
With one parent/caregiver vs. two or multiple parents/caregivers
Where emotions were denied, minimized, criticized vs. where emotions were valued, important, and made space for
With deep shame (“I am bad”) about who you were because of a lack of belonging and feeling different than others
In an emotionally invalidating, physically, and sexually abusive household vs. secure and healthy environment
Where chaos, violence, assault was normalized vs. an environment where this was not normalized
Where transitions and moving was the norm vs. being raised in the same home for entire life
With a parent/caregiver experiencing mental health or substance use issues vs. a parent/caregiver who didn’t experience such concerns
All these experiences impact who you are today. How you ask for love (if you ask for love). How you ask for help (if you ask for help). How you trust others (if you trust others). How you ask for what you need and want (if you ask for what you need and want). And so forth.
Impacts of Growing Up With Trauma & Neglect
Addiction and addictive tendencies/behaviors (e.g. overly restricting, overly indulging, numbing overwhelming emotions, punishing self, sabotaging relationships)
Ruptured attachment styles & Relationship difficulties: Difficulties trusting others, expressing vulnerability, asking for needs and wants, repeated unhelpful relational patterns (“I’m always attracted to the same types of unhelpful people” or “Relationships are challenging, I’m better off alone”)
Emotions:
Restricting, avoiding, and/or averse to emotions; not having vocabulary or language to describe emotions and prioritizing logic and intellect instead.
Or conversely, feeling too many feelings all at once and unable to make sense of them; feeling overwhelmed, numb, “too much”, and out of control.
Difficulty Trusting & Self-Reliance:
Learning at an early age you cannot rely on others to get your needs met and thus ignoring those needs or attempting to meet them yourself.
Fear of Being Alone & Intimacy:
Deeply fearful of relationships while simultaneously craving emotional closeness.
Nature of Communication Styles:
Using humor to deflect, self-deprecation, demanding, yelling, having fragmented discussions or keeping secrets, withdrawing, isolating, and maintaining silence.
Suicidal ideation or suicidal thoughts
Fear of touch and feeling disconnected from your body
Survival Mode: Living in scarcity, fear, panic, worry
Wanting constant control and valuing logic, intellect, structure, planning, and other forms of control
Physiological reactions such as increased heart rate, chest pains, stomach aches, headaches, vomiting
Hyperarousal (when the body is on high alert: stress, racing thoughts, reactivity, easily startled, on edge, increased heart rate)
Hypoarousal (when the body is on low alert: disassociation, lethargy, fatigue, moments of losing attention and concentration)
Feelings of anger, sadness, shame, guilt, terror, worry, helplessness, and/or fear
Chronic fear, anger, anxiety, and mistrust toward the world
Insomnia, poor quality and quantity of sleep, and/or difficulty sleeping
Difficulty concentrating and focusing on the present
Avoiding painful memories, feelings, and thoughts through isolation and emotional numbing
Insecure Anxious Attachment & Codependency: Difficulty establishing secure attachments to others by keeping others close.
Manifestations can include:
Needing frequent validation from others
Fear of abandonment
Being overly dependent in relationships
Hghly sensitive to others’ actions and moods
Feels emotions intensely and deeply
Unsure/shaky core of self; dependent on what others think of them (“There’s something wrong with me; I’m too much, I’m not enough”)
Anticipating what others need/want at expense of own boundaries and own need/wants
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment & Counterdependency: Difficulty establishing secure attachments to others by keeping others at a distance.
Manifestations can include:
Sabotaging healthy relationships
Fear of vulnerability and intimacy
Pushing others away, avoidance, and isolating self
Emotions are in control
Focused on external things such as status, accomplishments, and success
Lack of a core self
Difficulty trusting and letting others in emotionally (“I cannot depend on other people to get my needs met; I can rely on myself and have to do it myself”)
How Therapy Can Help You
Therapy is hard work.
It is humiliating, terrifying, and exhausting, but on the other side is freedom, peace, and joy. I promise to hold your stories and identities with fierce love, dignity, and compassion.
Going to therapy doesn’t mean you are weak, but rather you are aware you need some help and guidance. Having been through my own journey of therapy and history of resistance and uncertainty with going to therapy, I know how hard therapy is. I waited until things were “bad enough” to seek out professional help because I thought I could handle it all on my own.
Here are some ways therapy can help you:
Having a trained professional listen to your concerns and issues in a private, confidential setting
Learning, unlearning, and relearning core beliefs about masculinity such as:
Your right to to practice vulnerability
Your right to practice not having all the answers
Having a space to explore all parts of you without judgement and pressure
Increasing your quality of life, career, and relationships
Learning to love your sense of self: self-esteem, self acceptance, self love, self compassion
Decrease the use of unhelpful skills and tools and learn new helpful skills to manage stress and worry
Understand deep longstanding unhelpful patterns of sabotage and slowly replace them healthy and helpful ways of being
Identify your goals and actionable ways for you to get there
Men’s Issues Therapy in Seattle, WA
I am a therapist in Seattle, Washington specializing in working with men with a variety of concerns and issues.
I specialize in working with:
Queer men of color
Men who want to heal from childhood trauma and emotional neglect
Men who come from immigrant and refugee backgrounds
I realize the widespread impact of trauma, understand potential paths for recovery, and realize recovery is possible.
I can help you. I’ve helped many clients dealing with both singular traumatic events as well as complex, repeated, ongoing traumatic experiences. It is possible to heal and recover from trauma, violence, and systemic oppression.
The next step is to schedule a free 10-minute consultation to see if we might be a good fit. You can also read more about how I approach therapy on my Frequently Asked Questions.