What Is The Inner Child?
What Is The Inner Child?
The inner child is your younger self as a child. This part of you is the unvarnished, innocent, open, trusting, tender, and loving version of you before you grew older and became exposed to the perils of live and living.
During adolescence and childhood, the brain has not fully developed yet. Children’s needs and wants are (ideally) taken care of by their caregivers/parents. However, sometimes, if a child grows up in an unhealthy environment or their caregivers/parents are unhealthy, they are not given what they need, want, and desire to thrive and grow.
Our inner child can tell us rich information about our:
Unmet needs and wants
Unexpressed emotions and feelings
Experiences of abuse, neglect, and trauma
Childlike innocence and naivete
From Carl Jung’s child archetype: “The child archetype is one of the most familiar archetypes in all cultures. We have all had a childhood and so the child archetype is something which is integral to everyone’s nature to a greater or lesser degree. The beginning point for the development of each individual, the child archetype can be seen as the innocent part of each of use which sets up our earliest expectations of family, friends, society and our safety with each of them.”
From: https://knowyourarchetypes.com/child-archetype/
From Carolyn Myss: “Everyone has expressions of each one of these aspects of the Child within his psyche, although one aspect is usually so dominant that it eclipses the energy of the others. The Wounded Child, for example, can be so needy that it is almost impossible for the Magical Child to manifest its qualities. At the same time, because every one of the Child aspects is present in various degrees of strength in every psyche, similar patterns often overlap, making it hard to distinguish which one you relate to most intensely. You may find that you relate equally to the Orphan and the Wounded Child, or to the Puer Eternis and the Nature Child. When this is the case, choose one and include the specific qualities that you relate to in the other archetype as you investigate the psyche of this archetype in your life.”
From: https://www.myss.com/free-resources/sacred-contracts-and-your-archetypes/appendix-a-gallery-of-archtypes/
From Thich Nhat Hanh: “In each of us, there is a young, suffering child. We have all had times of difficulty as children and many of us have experienced trauma. To protect and defend ourselves against future suffering, we often try to forget those painful times.”
From: https://www.lionsroar.com/healing-the-child-within/
Do All Therapists Focus on The Inner Child?
Some forms of therapy will focus on the inner child (psychodynamic, relational, interpersonal) while others may not (CBT, DBT).
Sometimes, I’ll bring up the inner child concept in therapy and a client might roll their eyes and shrug their shoulders at the mere mention of this.
That’s okay. That can be a signal that exploring in depth this concept isn’t a good idea, but I can maybe plant a seed for future work.
How Does Trauma Impact Our Inner Child?
Core beliefs/Schemas
I won’t allow myself to be taken advantage of
No one really cares about me
I’m not lovable
Survival
Difficulty resting and relaxing
Always doing something to distract one self from feeling emotions
Negative messaging
“You’re so sensitive”
“Stop crying. Crying is bad”
“Don’t do that”
“You are too (insert judgement or criticism)”
”You made me feel (insert emotion)”
A decrease in our sense of self
Not being sure of their own emotions
Uncertainty around who they are and values
Difficulty accepting compliments and love
Examples Of When Our Inner Child Is Stunted
Emotional neglect
The absence of intimacy, vulnerability, and connection
Being left alone for long periods of time
Being ignored when caregivers/parents are around
Emotional abuse
“Boys don’t cry. Crying is bad.”
“Don’t get angry. Anger is bad.”
“What’s wrong with you? Don’t do that!”
Witnessing violence
Feeling unsafe
Feeling mistrustful
Shame & Guilt
Shame: I am bad
Guilt: I did something bad
Parentification
“My needs aren’t as important as others like my parents.”
“You are so mature for your age!”
“I’m not sure what I need or want, but I’m at great at knowing others' needs and wants.”
Parentified children can pick up on others’ feelings quickly and intuitively at the detriment of their own.
What Is Reparenting?
Reparenting is the act of giving ourselves what we desperately craved and desired growing up, but never received.
How Can Accessing Our Inner Child Be Healing?
Making space for our emotions we once repressed
Learning to honor what we desperately need, crave, and desire that might be currently unmet
Increasing our self care and nourishing ourselves
Slowing down and practicing being rather than doing (over functioning)
Learning to sit still in silence and peace (rather than the comfort of chaos and conflict)
Knowing ourselves truly and deeply (our emotions, needs, wants, boundaries)
How Can I Access My Inner Child?
Play
Desire
Joy
Love
Laugh
Creativity
Expression
Innocence
Vulnerability
The goal is to get out of your head and into your body and heart and practice deep courage through vulnerability.
Activities Like:
Dancing
Singing
Writing and releasing your emotions and thoughts through journaling, writing, painting, coloring
Reading a book or watching a movie that mirrors your life in some way (to elicit emotions)
Watching old videos or looking at old photos of yourself during adolescence (positive, healthy, helpful memories not the opposite)
Visualizing in your mind experiences growing up
Looking into the mirror and talking to your inner child in a compassionate, kind way
Questions To Ask Your Inner Child
What did you need growing up? (What do you need now?)
What was most painful growing up? (What is most painful now?)
What was it like to be (mis)understood growing up? (Were you (mis)understood growing up?)
What do you wish your caregivers/parents knew about you growing up? (What do you still wish others knew about you now?)
When and where do you feel most safe? (Do you feel safe?)
By asking and answering these questions in a compassionate manner, this can start the process of re-parenting.
What Keeps Us From Tapping Into Our Inner Child?
Emotional Distancing
Intellectualizing
Justifying
Black and white thinking (all or nothing thinking)
Grief
Mourning for what was lost (“I wish I had a childhood like other people”)
Mourning for what should’ve been (“Why didn’t I have parents who cared for me?”)
Fear
Fear of feeling deeply and intensely
Internalizing
I can handle it on my own
Let me try to solve this problem
Denial
I don’t have any issues or problems
My life is great
Comparison
I wish I was more…
Why can’t I…. like…?
Labeling
I’m so dumb
I always mess up
How Do I Heal My Inner Child?
Practicing non judgement and curiosity
While criticism, judgment, and demand may have been normalized for you growing up, let’s try something new and begin the healing process.
Try statements like:
I’m noticing…
I’m having the thought…
I’m aware I’m feeling…
This is interesting…
I’m wondering what I need when I…
I’m curious about…
Validating, normalizing, and celebrating emotions
“It’s totally okay to be angry”
“I would be sad too. It’s okay to cry. Let it out.”
“I’m so proud of you for asking for what you need.”
Visualization
Using all 5 senses, imagine your ideal childhood
Mirror work
Look at yourself in the mirror
Letter writing
Looking at old photos and videos
Re-parenting yourself
Think of your ideal parent/caregiver and what you desperately needed back then now
Inner Child & Personal Growth Therapy in Seattle, WA
What we don’t work through and heal from our past shows up in our present.
I am a therapist in Seattle, Washington specializing in working with people recovering from childhood trauma and emotional neglect.
I realize the widespread impact of trauma, understand potential paths for recovery, and realize recovery is possible.
I can help you. I’ve helped many clients dealing with both singular traumatic events as well as complex, repeated, ongoing traumatic experiences. It is possible to heal and recover from trauma, violence, and systemic oppression.
The next step is to schedule a free consultation to see if we might be a good fit. Reach out today.