What Is The Inner Child?

What Is The Inner Child?

The inner child is your younger self as a child. This part of you is the unvarnished, innocent, open, trusting, tender, and loving version of you before you grew older and became exposed to the perils of live and living.

During adolescence and childhood, the brain has not fully developed yet. Children’s needs and wants are (ideally) taken care of by their caregivers/parents. However, sometimes, if a child grows up in an unhealthy environment or their caregivers/parents are unhealthy, they are not given what they need, want, and desire to thrive and grow. 

Our inner child can tell us rich information about our:

  • Unmet needs and wants

  • Unexpressed emotions and feelings

  • Experiences of abuse, neglect, and trauma

  • Childlike innocence and naivete

From Carl Jung’s child archetype: “The child archetype is one of the most familiar archetypes in all cultures. We have all had a childhood and so the child archetype is something which is integral to everyone’s nature to a greater or lesser degree. The beginning point for the development of each individual, the child archetype can be seen as the innocent part of each of use which sets up our earliest expectations of family, friends, society and our safety with each of them.”

From: https://knowyourarchetypes.com/child-archetype/

From Carolyn Myss: “Everyone has expressions of each one of these aspects of the Child within his psyche, although one aspect is usually so dominant that it eclipses the energy of the others. The Wounded Child, for example, can be so needy that it is almost impossible for the Magical Child to manifest its qualities. At the same time, because every one of the Child aspects is present in various degrees of strength in every psyche, similar patterns often overlap, making it hard to distinguish which one you relate to most intensely. You may find that you relate equally to the Orphan and the Wounded Child, or to the Puer Eternis and the Nature Child. When this is the case, choose one and include the specific qualities that you relate to in the other archetype as you investigate the psyche of this archetype in your life.”

From: https://www.myss.com/free-resources/sacred-contracts-and-your-archetypes/appendix-a-gallery-of-archtypes/

From Thich Nhat Hanh: “In each of us, there is a young, suffering child. We have all had times of difficulty as children and many of us have experienced trauma. To protect and defend ourselves against future suffering, we often try to forget those painful times.”

From: https://www.lionsroar.com/healing-the-child-within/

Do All Therapists Focus on The Inner Child?

Some forms of therapy will focus on the inner child (psychodynamic, relational, interpersonal) while others may not (CBT, DBT).

Sometimes, I’ll bring up the inner child concept in therapy and a client might roll their eyes and shrug their shoulders at the mere mention of this.

That’s okay. That can be a signal that exploring in depth this concept isn’t a good idea, but I can maybe plant a seed for future work.

How Does Trauma Impact Our Inner Child?

  • Core beliefs/Schemas

    • I won’t allow myself to be taken advantage of

    • No one really cares about me

    • I’m not lovable

  • Survival

    • Difficulty resting and relaxing

    • Always doing something to distract one self from feeling emotions

  • Negative messaging

    • “You’re so sensitive”

    • “Stop crying. Crying is bad”

    • “Don’t do that”

    • “You are too (insert judgement or criticism)”
      ”You made me feel (insert emotion)”

  • A decrease in our sense of self

    • Not being sure of their own emotions

    • Uncertainty around who they are and values

    • Difficulty accepting compliments and love

Examples Of When Our Inner Child Is Stunted

  • Emotional neglect

    • The absence of intimacy, vulnerability, and connection

      • Being left alone for long periods of time

      • Being ignored when caregivers/parents are around

  • Emotional abuse

    • “Boys don’t cry. Crying is bad.”

    • “Don’t get angry. Anger is bad.”

    • “What’s wrong with you? Don’t do that!”

  • Witnessing violence

    • Feeling unsafe

    • Feeling mistrustful

  • Shame & Guilt

    • Shame: I am bad

    • Guilt: I did something bad

  • Parentification

    • “My needs aren’t as important as others like my parents.”

    • “You are so mature for your age!”

    • “I’m not sure what I need or want, but I’m at great at knowing others' needs and wants.”

    • Parentified children can pick up on others’ feelings quickly and intuitively at the detriment of their own.

What Is Reparenting?

Reparenting is the act of giving ourselves what we desperately craved and desired growing up, but never received.


How Can Accessing Our Inner Child Be Healing?

  • Making space for our emotions we once repressed

  • Learning to honor what we desperately need, crave, and desire that might be currently unmet

  • Increasing our self care and nourishing ourselves

  • Slowing down and practicing being rather than doing (over functioning)

  • Learning to sit still in silence and peace (rather than the comfort of chaos and conflict)

  • Knowing ourselves truly and deeply (our emotions, needs, wants, boundaries)

How Can I Access My Inner Child?

  • Play

  • Desire

  • Joy

  • Love

  • Laugh

  • Creativity

  • Expression

  • Innocence

  • Vulnerability

The goal is to get out of your head and into your body and heart and practice deep courage through vulnerability. 

Activities Like:

  • Dancing

  • Singing

  • Writing and releasing your emotions and thoughts through journaling, writing, painting, coloring

  • Reading a book or watching a movie that mirrors your life in some way (to elicit emotions)

  • Watching old videos or looking at old photos of yourself during adolescence (positive, healthy, helpful memories not the opposite)

  • Visualizing in your mind experiences growing up

  • Looking into the mirror and talking to your inner child in a compassionate, kind way

Questions To Ask Your Inner Child

  • What did you need growing up? (What do you need now?)

  • What was most painful growing up? (What is most painful now?)

  • What was it like to be (mis)understood growing up? (Were you (mis)understood growing up?)

  • What do you wish your caregivers/parents knew about you growing up? (What do you still wish others knew about you now?)

  • When and where do you feel most safe? (Do you feel safe?)

By asking and answering these questions in a compassionate manner, this can start the process of re-parenting.

What Keeps Us From Tapping Into Our Inner Child?

  • Emotional Distancing

    • Intellectualizing

    • Justifying

    • Black and white thinking (all or nothing thinking)

  • Grief

    • Mourning for what was lost (“I wish I had a childhood like other people”)

    • Mourning for what should’ve been (“Why didn’t I have parents who cared for me?”)

  • Fear

    • Fear of feeling deeply and intensely

  • Internalizing

    • I can handle it on my own

    • Let me try to solve this problem

  • Denial

    • I don’t have any issues or problems

    • My life is great

  • Comparison

    • I wish I was more…

    • Why can’t I…. like…?

  • Labeling

    • I’m so dumb

    • I always mess up

How Do I Heal My Inner Child?

  • Practicing non judgement and curiosity

    • While criticism, judgment, and demand may have been normalized for you growing up, let’s try something new and begin the healing process.

    • Try statements like:

      • I’m noticing…

      • I’m having the thought…

      • I’m aware I’m feeling…

      • This is interesting…

      • I’m wondering what I need when I…

      • I’m curious about…

  • Validating, normalizing, and celebrating emotions

    • “It’s totally okay to be angry”

    • “I would be sad too. It’s okay to cry. Let it out.”

    • “I’m so proud of you for asking for what you need.”

  • Visualization

    • Using all 5 senses, imagine your ideal childhood

  • Mirror work

    • Look at yourself in the mirror

  • Letter writing

  • Looking at old photos and videos

  • Re-parenting yourself

    • Think of your ideal parent/caregiver and what you desperately needed back then now

Inner Child & Personal Growth Therapy in Seattle, WA

What we don’t work through and heal from our past shows up in our present.

I am a therapist in Seattle, Washington specializing in working with people recovering from childhood trauma and emotional neglect.

I realize the widespread impact of trauma, understand potential paths for recovery, and realize recovery is possible.

I can help you. I’ve helped many clients dealing with both singular traumatic events as well as complex, repeated, ongoing traumatic experiences. It is possible to heal and recover from trauma, violence, and systemic oppression. 

The next step is to schedule a free consultation to see if we might be a good fit. Reach out today.

Resources

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Affirmations For Childhood Trauma

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