Signs You Are Sabotaging Your Progress In Therapy

Therapy is hard work.

Clients often experience a wide range of feelings including: vulnerability, shame, guilt, fear, worry, anxiety, anger, frustration, and more.

This is especially more evident for those who are new to therapy, who are unsure/ambivalent about therapy in the first place, those who have had poor past experiences in therapy, and/or those who have had a history of trauma.

When faced with ambivalence, anxiety, and overwhelming feelings, clients often use psychological defenses unknowingly to protect them from their feelings.

Defenses AKA Protectors

  • Defense against connection

    • To protect from connecting with the therapist and therefore relying on them for help due to a pattern of self-reliance and not asking for help

  • Defense against rejection

    • To protect from perceived or realistic rejection of one’s personality, traits, temperaments, behaviors, experiences, beliefs, etc. due to past experiences of rejection from others and bringing this into the therapy

  • Defense against disappointment

    • To protect from being disappointed by the therapist, that things could be different, that you could feel better, that there is hope due to past experiences of being disappointed by others)

  • Defense against abandonment

  • Defense against vulnerability

    • To protect from feelings of vulnerability and helplessness inducing terror and fear from past experiences of vulnerability and helplessness

  • Defense against relying on someone else

  • Defense against asking for help

  • Defense against burdening

Trauma & Self Sabotage

  • Transference (feelings toward the therapist from past experiences with others who remind the client of the therapist or vice versa)

    • Example: A therapist who has issues with their parent(s) might experience transference with their therapist who is older in age, looks similar to their parents, feels similar to their parent, has similar mannerisms to their parents, etc.

  • Fear of Getting Better

  • Fear of Vulnerability

  • Fear of Rejection

  • Fear of Burdening

  • Fear of Being “Too Much” 

  • Fear of making up your issues/experiences

  • Trauma Identity

  • Trauma Repetition 

  • Shame & Inadequacy 

  • Self hatred

  • Wanting control

  • Demanding proof

  • Assuming nothing will help you

  • Not having hope for change or growth

Sample Statements

  • I have nothing to talk about….

  • I don’t know what to talk about…

  • Everything is going well…

  • I don’t know…

  • I’m not sure…

  • I don’t really struggle with that…

  • That’s not an issue of mine…

  • I didn’t do what you suggested I try out…

  • I forgot to do that…

  • I didn’t do the homework you suggested I do…

Stages of Change

  • Understanding your stage of change is important before taking any sort of action because self knowledge is key toward change.

  • Change also requires less energy when we know our own stage of change. Pressuring ourselves or forcing ourselves to heal and change rarely leads to long term, sustainable changes. If you don’t want to change, then you don’t necessarily need to. No one can force you.

  • Ambivalence is uncertainty about change.

    • A part of you wants to change.

    • A part of you doesn’t want to change.

    • A part of you is scared to change.

    • A part of you is anxious to change.

    • A part of you is nervous to change.

  • Change is scary because it involves the unknown, giving up what we’re used to, replacing what we are used to, doing less of what we are used to, etc.

  • Ambivalence about change is normal. We are all ambivalent about something during some point in our lives. Resistance to change is an expression of ambivalence about change, not a defining trait or characteristic about you.

  • It’s the therapist’s job to help you resolve your ambivalence about change.

  • It’s your job to be honest with yourself about where you are on your stage of change instead of lying to yourself, avoiding the truth, fantasizing about what could be, pressuring yourself to heal quickly as possible, etc.

  • Read more: Stages of Change (Motivational Interviewing)

Consider The Pros Vs. Cons Of Healing

Cons/Challenges of Healing

  • Healing is exhausting

  • Healing is scary

  • Healing is uncomfortable

  • Healing takes time

  • Healing takes work

  • Healing takes effort

  • Healing requires patience

  • Healing requires compassion

  • Healing requires money

  • Healing requires taking risks

  • Healing requires vulnerability

  • Healing requires asking for help

  • It’s easier to stay the same rather than change/grow/try something new

Pros/Benefits of Healing

  • We may feel more calm

  • We may feel more at ease

  • We may feel more confident

  • We create a life worth living

  • We live a life aligned with our values

  • We may have more realistic thoughts

  • We learn healthier coping skills

  • We learn effective self management techniques

  • We learn healthier boundaries

  • We learn assertive communication

  • We are more able to ask for what we want

  • We are more able to tolerate uncertainty and ambiguity

  • We are more able to tolerate discomfort

Therapy Interfering Behaviors (TIB)

  • A therapy interfering behavior is any behavior that’s incompatible or directly interferes with a person’s ability to participate in therapy successfully. 

  • This behavior is important to address because it can prevent people from overcoming problems and achieving their goals.

  • Must be consistent and ongoing

    • Not a one time event/experiences

  • A TIB is not defined by a person’s intention, but by the outcome of the behavior.

  • For example, a man who misses therapy sessions to take care of an ill family member is not necessarily trying to disrupt his treatment, but the outcome of his behavior interferes with treatment – in other words, he does not receive the care he needs.

  • For this reason, his pattern of missing sessions would be considered a TIB, no matter why he does it.

  • Also, a TIB is not an isolated event. Typically, it is an ongoing pattern of behavior. Missing one session is probably not a problem, but missing several sessions would be considered a TIB.

Examples Of Therapy Interfering Behaviors

  • Showing up late to therapy regularly 

  • Not showing up to therapy regularly (cancelling)

  • Ending therapy when core issues arise and you feel discomfort (instead of discussing it openly and working through the issues) 

  • A pattern of last-minute cancellations

  • Calling/emailing/texting your therapist late at night regularly

  • Not paying for sessions regularly 

  • Not doing homework/skills/experiments/exercises in between session

  • Only focusing on the positives and disregarding the negatives

  • Ignoring or denying having a problem/issue to work on in therapy

  • Consistently changing topics/focus of therapy to something not related to initial goals/issues/concerns

  • Not identifying clear goals to work on

  • Engages in, threatens to engage in, or hints at engaging in self-destructive acts such as self-harm, substance use, etc.

  • Threatening or yelling at therapist 

  • Threatening to end therapy regularly

  • Expecting the therapist to “fix” or “solve” your issues 

  • Devaluing the therapist to an extreme 

  • Over valuing and putting the therapist on a pedestal to an extreme 

  • Omission of truth and/or lying to yourself 

  • Omission of truth and/or lying to your therapist 

  • Wanting to verbally fight your therapist

  • Being overly critical/demanding/blaming your therapist

  • Ending session abruptly when uncomfortable/vulnerable topics arise

  • Dismissing and pushing down your feelings

  • Cognizing everything

    • Being in your brain

  • Regular doorknob statements

    • When session is about to end, disclosing something huge/monumental to your therapist that is unable to be explored/processed with the remaining 5-10 minutes

How Do I Interrupt My Self Sabotage? What Can I Do?

  • Understand what psychological defenses are (from psychoanalytic and psychodynamic therapy)

  • Understand what psychological defenses you employ and use

  • Understand what therapy interfering behaviors (TIB) you employ and use (from Dialectic Behavior Therapy)

  • Understand “parts” of you, especially your protectors (from Internal Family Systems)

  • Understand the form and function of this self sabotage part

  • Understand that parts arise usually as a form of protection, coping method, strategy, survival mechanism, tool, etc. to get needs met

  • Learn the beliefs and stories associated with this self sabotage part

  • Learn the feelings and burdens associated with this self sabotage part

  • Become curious about this self sabotage part and understanding what it needs to feel more safe and trusting in you

  • Become more curious about what is going inside of you when this self sabotage part of you arises

    • What am I feeling right now?

    • What are the thoughts I’m thinking?

    • What’s the urge or behavior I want to engage in?

    • What sensations are inside or around of my body?

    • What images or memories come up?

  • Tell your therapist you’re aware of this tendency (direct communication)

  • Ask your therapist what their perceptions and observations are around this topic

  • Write down and journal your thoughts and feelings in between sessions

  • Write down and journal your thoughts and feelings right after sessions

  • Notice how you feel a day before, the hour before, during, after, and in between sessions.

    • Do these feelings change?

    • Do they intensify when sessions get closer?

    • Do they decrease with distance, time, and space?

  • Share less riskier and vulnerable topics first in the beginning of session (move slow and gradually)

  • Practice reflecting vs. reacting

  • Practice self compassion

  • Get to know your inner child and the younger/earlier parts of you

Resources

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Reminders & Affirmations For Fawners & Chronic People Pleasers