Signs You Are Sabotaging Your Progress In Therapy
Therapy is hard work.
Clients often experience a wide range of feelings including: vulnerability, shame, guilt, fear, worry, anxiety, anger, frustration, and more.
This is especially more evident for those who are new to therapy, who are unsure/ambivalent about therapy in the first place, those who have had poor past experiences in therapy, and/or those who have had a history of trauma.
When faced with ambivalence, anxiety, and overwhelming feelings, clients often use psychological defenses unknowingly to protect them from their feelings.
Defenses AKA Protectors
Defense against connection
To protect from connecting with the therapist and therefore relying on them for help due to a pattern of self-reliance and not asking for help
Defense against rejection
To protect from perceived or realistic rejection of one’s personality, traits, temperaments, behaviors, experiences, beliefs, etc. due to past experiences of rejection from others and bringing this into the therapy
Defense against disappointment
To protect from being disappointed by the therapist, that things could be different, that you could feel better, that there is hope due to past experiences of being disappointed by others)
Defense against abandonment
Defense against vulnerability
To protect from feelings of vulnerability and helplessness inducing terror and fear from past experiences of vulnerability and helplessness
Defense against relying on someone else
Defense against asking for help
Defense against burdening
Trauma & Self Sabotage
Transference (feelings toward the therapist from past experiences with others who remind the client of the therapist or vice versa)
Example: A therapist who has issues with their parent(s) might experience transference with their therapist who is older in age, looks similar to their parents, feels similar to their parent, has similar mannerisms to their parents, etc.
Fear of Getting Better
Fear of Vulnerability
Fear of Rejection
Fear of Burdening
Fear of Being “Too Much”
Fear of making up your issues/experiences
Trauma Identity
Trauma Repetition
Shame & Inadequacy
Self hatred
Wanting control
Demanding proof
Assuming nothing will help you
Not having hope for change or growth
Sample Statements
I have nothing to talk about….
I don’t know what to talk about…
Everything is going well…
I don’t know…
I’m not sure…
I don’t really struggle with that…
That’s not an issue of mine…
I didn’t do what you suggested I try out…
I forgot to do that…
I didn’t do the homework you suggested I do…
Stages of Change
Understanding your stage of change is important before taking any sort of action because self knowledge is key toward change.
Change also requires less energy when we know our own stage of change. Pressuring ourselves or forcing ourselves to heal and change rarely leads to long term, sustainable changes. If you don’t want to change, then you don’t necessarily need to. No one can force you.
Ambivalence is uncertainty about change.
A part of you wants to change.
A part of you doesn’t want to change.
A part of you is scared to change.
A part of you is anxious to change.
A part of you is nervous to change.
Change is scary because it involves the unknown, giving up what we’re used to, replacing what we are used to, doing less of what we are used to, etc.
Ambivalence about change is normal. We are all ambivalent about something during some point in our lives. Resistance to change is an expression of ambivalence about change, not a defining trait or characteristic about you.
It’s the therapist’s job to help you resolve your ambivalence about change.
It’s your job to be honest with yourself about where you are on your stage of change instead of lying to yourself, avoiding the truth, fantasizing about what could be, pressuring yourself to heal quickly as possible, etc.
Read more: Stages of Change (Motivational Interviewing)
Consider The Pros Vs. Cons Of Healing
Cons/Challenges of Healing
Healing is exhausting
Healing is scary
Healing is uncomfortable
Healing takes time
Healing takes work
Healing takes effort
Healing requires patience
Healing requires compassion
Healing requires money
Healing requires taking risks
Healing requires vulnerability
Healing requires asking for help
It’s easier to stay the same rather than change/grow/try something new
Pros/Benefits of Healing
We may feel more calm
We may feel more at ease
We may feel more confident
We create a life worth living
We live a life aligned with our values
We may have more realistic thoughts
We learn healthier coping skills
We learn effective self management techniques
We learn healthier boundaries
We learn assertive communication
We are more able to ask for what we want
We are more able to tolerate uncertainty and ambiguity
We are more able to tolerate discomfort
Therapy Interfering Behaviors (TIB)
A therapy interfering behavior is any behavior that’s incompatible or directly interferes with a person’s ability to participate in therapy successfully.
This behavior is important to address because it can prevent people from overcoming problems and achieving their goals.
Must be consistent and ongoing
Not a one time event/experiences
A TIB is not defined by a person’s intention, but by the outcome of the behavior.
For example, a man who misses therapy sessions to take care of an ill family member is not necessarily trying to disrupt his treatment, but the outcome of his behavior interferes with treatment – in other words, he does not receive the care he needs.
For this reason, his pattern of missing sessions would be considered a TIB, no matter why he does it.
Also, a TIB is not an isolated event. Typically, it is an ongoing pattern of behavior. Missing one session is probably not a problem, but missing several sessions would be considered a TIB.
Examples Of Therapy Interfering Behaviors
Showing up late to therapy regularly
Not showing up to therapy regularly (cancelling)
Ending therapy when core issues arise and you feel discomfort (instead of discussing it openly and working through the issues)
A pattern of last-minute cancellations
Calling/emailing/texting your therapist late at night regularly
Not paying for sessions regularly
Not doing homework/skills/experiments/exercises in between session
Only focusing on the positives and disregarding the negatives
Ignoring or denying having a problem/issue to work on in therapy
Consistently changing topics/focus of therapy to something not related to initial goals/issues/concerns
Not identifying clear goals to work on
Engages in, threatens to engage in, or hints at engaging in self-destructive acts such as self-harm, substance use, etc.
Threatening or yelling at therapist
Threatening to end therapy regularly
Expecting the therapist to “fix” or “solve” your issues
Devaluing the therapist to an extreme
Over valuing and putting the therapist on a pedestal to an extreme
Omission of truth and/or lying to yourself
Omission of truth and/or lying to your therapist
Wanting to verbally fight your therapist
Being overly critical/demanding/blaming your therapist
Ending session abruptly when uncomfortable/vulnerable topics arise
Dismissing and pushing down your feelings
Cognizing everything
Being in your brain
Regular doorknob statements
When session is about to end, disclosing something huge/monumental to your therapist that is unable to be explored/processed with the remaining 5-10 minutes
How Do I Interrupt My Self Sabotage? What Can I Do?
Understand what psychological defenses are (from psychoanalytic and psychodynamic therapy)
Understand what psychological defenses you employ and use
Understand what therapy interfering behaviors (TIB) you employ and use (from Dialectic Behavior Therapy)
Understand “parts” of you, especially your protectors (from Internal Family Systems)
Understand the form and function of this self sabotage part
Understand that parts arise usually as a form of protection, coping method, strategy, survival mechanism, tool, etc. to get needs met
Learn the beliefs and stories associated with this self sabotage part
Learn the feelings and burdens associated with this self sabotage part
Become curious about this self sabotage part and understanding what it needs to feel more safe and trusting in you
Become more curious about what is going inside of you when this self sabotage part of you arises
What am I feeling right now?
What are the thoughts I’m thinking?
What’s the urge or behavior I want to engage in?
What sensations are inside or around of my body?
What images or memories come up?
Tell your therapist you’re aware of this tendency (direct communication)
Ask your therapist what their perceptions and observations are around this topic
Write down and journal your thoughts and feelings in between sessions
Write down and journal your thoughts and feelings right after sessions
Notice how you feel a day before, the hour before, during, after, and in between sessions.
Do these feelings change?
Do they intensify when sessions get closer?
Do they decrease with distance, time, and space?
Share less riskier and vulnerable topics first in the beginning of session (move slow and gradually)
Practice reflecting vs. reacting
Practice self compassion
Get to know your inner child and the younger/earlier parts of you