Reminders & Affirmations For Fawners & Chronic People Pleasers
The information in this blog post comes from a mixture of places I’ve learned about in the last 6 years including:
Pete Walker’s book
Internal Family Systems
Trauma informed training
Somatic therapy/mind-body connection
Mindful Self Compassion
Metta/lovingkindness meditation
Childhood development research
Adult attachment styles
Reminders & Affirmations
It’s okay to have needs of my own
My feelings are important
My feelings make sense
My feelings are trying to tell me that….
My needs are important
I trust myself
I trust in my choices
I believe myself
I want to know more of my true Self
I make space for myself
My experiences make sense given what I’ve been through
I can have my own preferences, likes, and dislikes
I am a complex human being
“I don’t need to overexplain myself”
“It’s exhausting to overexplain all the time”
“I do not need to have others like me all the time”
“I do not need to be likable to be worthy”
“Conflict does not mean someone hates me”
“Conflicts are a normal part of any relationship”
“Conflicts can be resolved“
“It takes two people to resolve a conflict”
“I cannot be responsible for resolving conflicts 100% of the time”
“Disagreements are okay”
“I can physically leave this situation if I need to”
“I can ask for what I need”
“I can ask for what I want”
“I can let others know my likes”
“I can let others know my dislikes”
“I don’t need to be perfect”
“I am worthy just as I am”
“I am enough just as I am”
“I like myself”
“I love myself”
“I love myself just as I am”
“I love myself unconditionally”
“I am not responsible for others' behaviors or actions”
“Feeling overly responsible for others is exhausting”
“Other people can make their own choices”
“I can make my own decisions”
“I want to know my own boundaries”
“I want to know my dislikes and likes”
“It’s okay to have personal boundaries”
“It’s okay to have dislikes and likes”
“Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business”
“I can accept and take in compliments”
“I can accept and take in realistic appraisals of myself”
When Wanting To Take Care of Others
I can take care of my own needs and others can also take care of their own needs
I am not responsible for everyone 100% of the time
I deserve to take care of myself
When Painful Experiences Occur
Feeling my feelings are unpleasant AND they will not kill me (they are just uncomfortable)
When someone doesn’t like me, I can like myself
I am learning to like myseof
It’s an ongoing process for me to like myself
It’s really hard and I am working on liking myself
Not being liked by everyone is okay
I am learning not being liked by everyone is okay
It’s an ongoing process to be okay not being liked by everyone
It’s really hard and I am working on not being liked by everyone
Not everyone will like me and this is okay
It’s impossible to be liked by everyone
When I say no, I can say yes to someone and/or something else
Add Qualifiers
If the above phrases are difficult to say in your head or out loud, you can add a qualifier such as:
“I am learning more…”
“It’s really hard and I’m trying to…”
“I’m doing the best I can right now…”
“It takes a great deal for me to…”
“At least I am…”
“I sort of believe…”
“I kind of believe…”
“I want ot believe…”
Dialectic or Balance
Extreme thoughts and beliefs are symptoms of trauma
“I hate EVERYONE”
“I can’t trust ANYONE”
“Things will ALWAYS be this way”
“I can NEVER do anything correctly”
“NOBODY likes me”
Reflecting instead of reacting is one way we can actively word toward increasing our flexibility and decreasing rigidity and extreme thoughts/beliefs
We can reflect more through practicing:
Curiosity
Awareness
Compassion for Self
Compassion for others
Mindfulness
Slowing down
Use “and” instead of “but” and see how this resonates differently for you
Sample statements can include:
“If I don’t people please as much, this doesn’t mean I will be mean/aggressive/the opposite of what I’m used to”
“I wish everyone liked me and I know it’s most likely not possible?
“This is a painful experience for me right now and these are things in my control”
“I’m noticing my critical thoughts are coming up right now and they will most likely pass, though I’m unsure when”
Experiment
You can also try different ways of saying the above phrases and experiment with words such as:
“I like myself“
“I really like myself“
“I do like myself“
“I like myself a lot“
“I like myself quite a bit“
“I very much so like myself“
“I’m learning to like myself“
“Liking myself is hard and I’m doing the best I am“
“There’s a lot to like about myself“
“I have many reasons why I am a likable person“
Reminding Yourself of the Evidence & Proof
I define a likable person as….
A likable person has this trait…
One reason why I like myself is because…
One reason why my friends like me is because…
One of my friends told me they like this about me…
I’ve had multiple people tell me they like this about me…
Perhaps I am a likable person…
There are over 9-10 people who like me and right now 1-2 people who don’t like me
Being unliked is okay
Being unliked is part of the complex human experience
Nobody can be liked 100% of the time
Perfection isn’t possible
Perfection doesn’t exist
I would love for perfection to be possible and it’s not
Identify Your Feelings
Name your feelings out loud
Identify where your feelings are located in your body
Separate a feeling from a thought. Feelings are usually one word. Sometimes we mix up a feeling with a thought. This could show up as:
“I feel like if he would just not get angry then everything would be okay” versus “I feel anxious. When I feel anxious, I have this urge to want to control other peoples’ behaviors to avoid conflict”
Remind Yourself Feelings Are Temporary
A feeling will not last forever, even when it feels like it will.
Feelings give us data and information, just like our thoughts.
When we avoid our feelings, short-term, it feels comfortable. However, long-term this avoidance creates more suffering and discomfort. This is more unnatural because avoidance of something natural will usually create more problems long-term.
When we allow ourselves to feel our emotions, this is a more natural experience which will help us people please less because we are focused on our own internal experience versus focusing on external experiences like other people.
To better stay with and process your emotion to completion, click here to learn more about Riding the Waves from DBT.
Reflect vs. Reacting
Things you can do:
Leave the room (let others know you’re leaving and if you’ll be back)
Change your body temperature (if hot, drink cold water or wash hands/face with cold water. If cold, drink hot tea/coffee or take a warm/hot shower/bath)
Deep breathing
Self hug
Questions you can ask yourself:
Where am I?
How am I?
What’s happening inside of me right now?
What are the thoughts I’m thinking?
What am I feeling?
What do I sense?
What images are coming up?
How old do I feel?
What’s a compassionate way to talk to myself?
Does my reaction make sense given my life histories and experiences?
EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Affirmations & Reminders
Even though I feel anxious, I deeply and completely accept myself
Even though I feel scared, I deeply and completely accept myself
Say The Affirmations Multiple Times
Over and over until it becomes more normalized and comfortable
Start with 3 or 4 times
Expect in the beginning it will be uncomfortable and produce feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry
Over time, the discomfort will decrease and you will have conditioned yourself to learn a new language of compassion and mindfulness rather than a language from criticism, demand, judgement, and fear
Find a Comfortable Place
When your body is relaxed, the words you say in your head and out loud will resonate more
Ideas:
Lay down on the couch
Lay down on your bed
Allow yourself to slouch your posture
Sit on a comfortable chair
Find a place you feel relaxed and calm and practice there
Find comfortable clothing to wear that you enjoy wearing (warm cardigans, sweatpants, oversized tee shirts)
Find scents and smells you like to smell that will induce a relaxed/calm state of mind (candles, perfumes, colognes, mists, scented lotions, essential oils)
Additionally, you will believe yourself more if you provide evidence/proof of what you’re saying (see above)
Inner Child Work/Parts Work
Consider what the younger and more wounded part of you needs to hear to feel more safe.
Usually our inner children feel:
Fear
Worry
Anxious
Angry
Lonely
Misunderstood
Sample questions for our inner children can include:
“How long have you felt this way?”
“What are you most worried/scared would happen if you didn’t please others?”
“What happened in the past when you didn’t people others?”
“What else do you want me to know about your experience?”
“What do you need from me to trust in me more?”
Sometimes our inner children seek validation, curiosity, and reassurance more than anything which can include:
“That makes a lot of sense”
“I’m sorry for leaving you alone for so long and I’m here now”
“I hear you”
“Of course you don’t fully trust me and what I’m saying”
“That does sound scary/lonely/etc”
“I’m listening”
“Can you tell me more?”
“I’m really glad you’re telling me the truth of your experience”
“Your feelings matter”
“Your thoughts matter”
“I believe you”
“I believe your experience”
“Thank you for sharing with me”
Find free introductory guided meditation sessions for parts here from Richard Schwartz.
Download a free Inner Child workbook here from Nate Postlethwait.
Resources for People Pleasers & Fawners
Quotes
“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” —Unknown
“No is a complete sentence.” —Anne Lamont
“The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.” —Unknown
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” —Brene Brown
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated” —Brene Brown
“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.” —Rachel Wolchin
“I set boundaries not to offend you but to respect myself.” —Unknown
“If someone gets mad at you for creating a boundary, consider that a good sign that the boundary was necessary.” —Jenna Korf
“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” —Paul Coelho
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where i end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.”
“When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss. If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.”
Learn more about the book here
Poems
Perfection Poem
Things that are perfect
are dead things.
Empty things.
A silence beyond change or challenge.
An endpoint.
A blank page.
You are a wonderful messy thing.
An impossible thing made of salt
and rainwater.
Meat and electricity.
A dream with teeth.
You’re too good for perfection.
- Jarod Anderson, The Field Guide to the Haunted Forest
Read My Other Blog Posts on Trauma