How To Overcome Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Family
Family is an essential part of our lives, providing love, support, and a sense of belonging. But sometimes, families can face challenges that affect their well-being.
In this blog post, we will explore the concept of dysfunctional families from the perspective of family system theory, helping you better understand what it means and how it impacts individuals within the family.
What is a Dysfunctional Family?
A family unit where relationships, communication, and roles are unhealthy and strained.
In dysfunctional families, the normal functioning and balance are disrupted, leading to negative outcomes for its members.
Examples & Signs of Dysfunctional Families
Dysfunctional families share common traits/characteristics including
Lack of boundaries such as invading personal privacy
Lack of communication such as silence, passive aggressiveness, passiveness, and aggressiveness
Lack of support such as absence and invalidation
Lack of empathy such as blame and abuse
Disrespect
Role reversal (parentification) or role confusion
Physical abuse
Verbal abuse
Blame
Manipulation
Conditional love where love is earned
Unrealistic expectations
Perfectionism
A functional family provides both basic physiological needs and psychological needs to a child.
Basic Physiological Needs
Shelter (a house, apartment, place to live)
Food
Clothing
Sleep
Health
Psychological Needs
Love/Connection
Safety
Respect
Trust
Guidance
Touch
Attention
Support
Accomplishment
Echoing & Mirroring
Freedom
Joy
Independence/autonomy
Self esteem
Self actualization
Effects of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family
Developing mental health health issues
Problematic substance use
Difficulties in relationships (mistrust, insecurity, dependence, intimacy, avoidance, codependency)
Attraction to unavailable partners and relationships (trauma repetition, repetition compulsion, bonding to others due to past experiences, replicating and/or seeking familiar patterns and feelings from the past)
Feelings of uneasiness around authority figures (power and control issues)
Fearful of conflict and disagreements (people pleasing, fear, fawning, catastrophizing)
Low self esteem (acceptance of self, trust in self, identity of self, worthiness, love of self)
Judgement of self and others (negative self talk, core beliefs)
Seeking approval from others
Increased sensitivity to criticism and rejection
Anxiety
Depression
Guilt and shame
How Do I Heal From Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Family?
There are many ways to heal from your past wounds. The following are some ways, but of course, not the only ways to grow, heal, and transform from past painful wounds.
Educate Yourself
Learning about the effects of dysfunctional family dynamics can be helpful give you language, theory, and something tangible to hold onto.
It helps you understand that your experiences are not unique (normalizing) and there are resources available to support you (hope). Knowledge can be a catalyst for positive change.
Recognize, Acknowledge & Process Your Feelings
Recognizing your feelings begins with noticing what happens inside of you when you feel an emotion. Do you notice tension? Or perhaps lightness? Warmth? Are these sensations in certain parts of your body?
Naming your feelings is the second step. Am I sad? Or depressed? Perhaps melancholy? Am I lonely? If you find it difficult to acknowledge your feelings, you can use a feelings chart or worksheet like this one here or here.
The third step is to process and express your feelings in an appropriate and healthy way. This can include: talking to someone you trust, writing or journaling, singing, dancing, crying, or giving yourself permission to slowly feel if you have a history of pushing down your feelings. Be patient with yourself.
Grieve Your Losses
Unresolved grief leads to you feeling “stuck”
Grief needs to be processed
Grief cannot be fully processed alone. When we try to grieve alone, we often feel stuck, overwhelmed, misunderstood, and lonely. We grieve with others. We grieve in community.
Grief is not just the physical death of a person. Grief can include:
Loss of childhood
Loss of safety
Loss of control
Loss of a sense of self
Loss of emotional expression
Loss of boundaries
Loss of a good enough parent/caregiver/attachment figure
Loss of freedom
Loss of security
Loss of trust
Loss of everything you deserved, but did not receive
Understand What Attachment Is
Attachment is the relationship style/framework we form during our childhood based on how we grew up and who raised us (caregivers or parents).
Attachment style is how we feel and behave in relationships. It's like a pattern or a map that guides our interactions with others.
Understanding our attachment style can help us bond and connect in healthier and more satisfying ways with those we care about (see below).
Understand Your Attachment Style
Understand your attachment styles can help you understand why you behave the way we do in you relationships, instead of feeling confused and overwhelmed.
Secure
Secure attachment is considered the healthiest and most positive style.
People with secure attachment feel confident in their relationships and trust that their loved ones will be there for them. They are comfortable both giving and receiving love, and they have healthy communication skills.
Securely attached individuals tend to have stable and satisfying relationships, as they feel safe and supported in their connections with others.
Insecure - Anxious
Anxious attachment is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness with others.
Individuals with this attachment style often worry about being rejected or not being loved enough. They may seek excessive reassurance from their partners and experience high levels of anxiety when separated from them.
Anxiously attached individuals may be overly sensitive to signs of potential rejection, leading to relationship challenges.
Insecure - Avoidant
Avoidant attachment is marked by a reluctance to rely on others or show vulnerability.
People with this style might struggle with emotional intimacy and find it challenging to open up to their partners. They value independence and may have difficulty expressing their needs and emotions.
Avoidantly attached individuals may distance themselves emotionally from their partners as a way to protect themselves from potential hurt or disappointment.
Insecure - Disorganized
Disorganized attachment is the least common and most complex attachment style.
People with disorganized attachment often have experienced inconsistent or abusive caregiving in childhood, leading to conflicting behaviors in relationships. They may have difficulty regulating their emotions and struggle with both seeking closeness and avoiding it simultaneously.
Disorganized attachment can lead to unpredictable relationship patterns and challenges in forming secure and stable connections.
Identify Your Triggers
Triggers are stimuli (sound, scent, touch, memory, words) that take you back to the original wounding experience.
Knowing your triggers can be helpful because you can develop a plan to manage them as they arise. Other times, triggers can be surprising and unknown to you.
Examples of triggers can include: being yelled at, taking the bus, doing laundry, an unclean room, playing music loudly, someone putting their hand on your shoulder, or when someone is kind to you.
Learn To Self Soothe & Regulate Yourself
When you’re triggered, your amygdala (a part of your brain responsible for protecting you from threat - fight, flight, freeze, fawn, fright) is activated.
Learning skills and tools to manage your triggers helps alleviates the intensity of the trigger.
Examples of such skills can include: deep breathing, reminding yourself you are physically safe in the moment (if indeed you are), reminding yourself you are currently in the present moment (the current time, day of the week, your age, your first name, the city you live in), distraction, watching a funny video, changing your body temperature, taking a bath, putting on scented lotion, going for a walk, curling up with a soft blanket, putting on a soft sweater, or eating something delicious.
Form A Wide Range of Healthy & Satisfying Friendships
If you don’t have friends, teachers, or other trusted adults, begin to form friendships.
Find hobbies, join clubs, volunteer, engage in activities, and other local gatherings or online communities where you can meet people with similar interests.
Be yourself and be patient. Trust takes time to build and socializing with others is a muscle that takes time to get comfortable practicing.
Initiate conversations. Don’t wait for others to talk to you first.
Have a variety of friendships and expand your social circle. Not everyone will be a close friend and that’s okay. You might meet a friend who’s really into a certain hobby and another friend who you enjoy watching movies with. Perhaps another friend you meet with from time to time to try new restaurants with. You might meet a friend who becomes close as they have common interests, you enjoy talking to them, and spending time with them regularly.
Set Boundaries & Limit Time With Unhealthy Family Members
If your family dynamics are still affecting you, it's crucial to set healthy boundaries. This might mean limiting contact with certain family members, going no contact (cutting off contact 100%), or being assertive about what you will and won't tolerate in your relationships.
Try to avoid as much conflict as possible to avoid stress, triggers, and vulnerabilities.
Practice Self Compassion
It can be easy to talk to ourselves the way our caregivers or parents did to us growing up.
However, negative self talk and criticism rarely leads to positive growth and change. If talking to yourself in a mean, critical, shaming, and negative way hasn’t worked so far, why not try something new?
Self compassion is speaking yourself in a way that is kind, empathetic, supportive, understanding, and compassionate. Speak to yourself and treat yourself as you would a good friend or someone you trust and love.
Self compassion is not pitying or lying to yourself.
Research shows people who have higher levels of self compassion have stronger mental health, resilience, lower levels of distress, and are more satisfied with their lives.
Ask For Help & Seek Support
You don't have to go through life with all its stressors alone. Reach out to friends, teachers, or other trusted adults who can listen and offer support.
Talking about your experiences can be therapeutic and help you feel understood, which in turn, can help you feel less alone.