Common Myths & Misunderstandings of Setting Boundaries
I don’t deserve to get what I want or need
If I make a request, this will show that I am a very weak person
I have to know whether a person is going to say yes before I make a request
If I ask for something or say no, I can’t stand it if someone gets upset with me.
If they say no, it will kill me
Making requests is a really pushy (bad, self-centered, selfish, etc.) thing to do
Saying no to a request is always a selfish thing to do
I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others
I must be really inadequate if I can’t fix this myself
Obviously, the problem is just in my head. If I would just think differently I wouldn’t have to bother everybody else
If I don’t have what I want or need, it doesn’t make any difference; I don’t care really
I shouldn’t have to ask (say no); they should know what I want (and do it)
They should have known that their behavior would hurt my feelings; I shouldn’t have to tell them
I shouldn’t have to negotiate or work at getting what I want.
Other people should be willing to do more for my needs
Other people should like approve of and support me
They don’t deserve my being skillful or treating them well
Getting what I want when I want it is most important
Revenge will feel so good; it will be worth any negative consequences
Everybody lies
What Gets In The Way Of Asserting Healthy Boundaries?
Lack of skills
You don’t have the interpersonal/relational skills needed to assert healthy boundaries
Not modeled or learned in childhood
You can learn them
You don’t know what you want
You have the skills, but can’t decide what you really want from the other person.
You can’t figure out how to balance your needs versus the other person’s needs: Asking for too much versus not asking for anything.
Saying no to everything versus giving in to everything.
Your emotions are getting in the way
You have the skills, but emotions (anger, pride, contempt, fear, shame, guilt) control what you do
You forget your long-term goals for short-term goals
You put your immediate urges and wants ahead of your long-term goals.
The future vanishes from your mind.
Other people are getting in your way
You have the skills but other people get in the way.
Other people are more powerful than you.
Other people may be threatened or may not like you if you get what you want.
Other people may not do what you want unless you sacrifice your self-respect, at least a little.
Your thoughts and beliefs are getting in the way
Worries about negative consequences if you ask for what you want or say no to someone’s request get in the way of acting effectively.
Beliefs that you don’t deserve what you want stop you in your tracks.
Beliefs that others don’t deserve what they want make you ineffective.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Resolving conflicts before they get escalated and overwhelming
Maintaining self-respect
Is Learning Boundaries Possible?
Yes, absolutely. While it takes work through education, awareness, and continued practice, it is definitely possible.
Questions To Ask Yourself
Where did I learn boundaries from?
Who did I learn boundaries from?
When I say the word yes, what comes to mind? How do I feel?
When I say the word no, what comes to mind? How do I feel?
How easy (or difficult) is it for me to say no? How do I feel?
How easy (or difficult) is it for me to say yes? How do I feel?
What’s my relationship to conflict or tension?
Do I know what I want and need?