1. Understand What Fawning is

   • Read and understand what fawning is

   • Pete Walker’s definition: “The Fawn response is one of four defensive reactions to ongoing trauma. Those who fawn tend to put the needs and wants of others ahead of themselves at the cost of the health of their own egos, and the protection of and compassion for themselves.”

   • From: http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

2. Understand Where Fawning Comes From

   • The form and function of fawning

   • Ask yourself plenty of questions

   • Practice curiousity

     • Were you praised for being good growing up?

     • Were you agreeable?

     • Were you quiet and kept to yourself?

     • Were you rarely a nuisance? 

     • Did you not complain even if you had a right to?

     • Were you aware of not being a burden to others?

     • Survival mechanism/skill: Did you learn this as a response to adverse and traumatic early childhood experiences?

     • What would have happened if you didn’t fawn growing up? What were the effects?

3. Explore Where The Feeling Lives In Your Body

   • Understanding your reaction/trigger is a great way to better understand ways to soothe/regulate yourself when you want to fawn

   • Under pressure/conflict/tension, do you:

     • Contract (get tense) —-> Notice, become aware of contraction/tension, practice bodily practices to untense

     • Avoid (go away) —> Understand why you want to avoid, regulate the anxiety, slow down, connect with yourself, connect with others

     • Confront (go toward) —> Take a break, take a breath, pause, slow down

     • Disassociate (shut down) —> Ground yourself and get back into your body and into feeling more safe

     • You can also think of:

       1. Fight

       2. Flight

       3. Freeze

       4. Fawn

       5. Fright

4. Express Your Needs & Wants (Make Requests)

   • I need…

   • I want…

   • It would be nice…

   • Could you?…

   • If it’s too difficult to start with a statement, start with a question or request 

     1. Hey, this is really hard for me to even ask you for help. Could you help me with this?

5. Don’t Swallow/Internalize Your Feelings

   • Feel them

   • Process them

   • Name them

   • Research shows it takes about 90 seconds to fully process an emotion. Anything leftover is what we are still attached to.

6. Say No More Often

   • Understand that saying no is normal and healthy

   • Someone else’s reaction to your no is okay too. Not everyone has to agree with you.

   • Saying no gives you the opportunity to do more of the things you want to do and spend more time with the people you want to spend it with

7. Put Yourself First/Spend Time With Yourself & Figure Out Your Desires

   • Figure out what you like by practice, experimentation, and repetition

   • If you’re always agreeable and unsure what sorts of food you like, try a wide range of foods.

     • Examples: Try different types of eggs. Fried eggs. Boiled eggs. Scrambled eggs. Eventually, you’ll figure out what eggs you like. Or even if you enjoy eating eggs!

   • Try this experimentation in every aspect of your life. With your career/job, friends, hobbies, films, music, fashion, art, tv shows, style, etc.

   • The goal is to center yourself: your interests, your wants, your needs.

8. Reframe & Reminders

   • It’s okay to make mistakes

     • Mistakes don’t define you

     • Mistakes teach you

   • There’s a difference between nice and kind

     • Nice is overrated. Nice can be cultural. Nice can be a social norm

     • Be kind. Kindness is intentional. Thoughtful and compassionate

   • Perfection doesn’t exist

     • We are all deeply flawed 

     • Life is messy 

   • I’m doing the best I can with what I have

   • I’m learning a new way of being and doing. Since I was never taught healthy boundaries and communication, I am learning a new language.

   • I’m doing good enough. I am good enough.

9. Take A Pause/Break

   • Slow down

   • Breathe

   • Go away

   • Go to a different room

   • Go for a walk

   • Not everything needs an answer right in the moment, even if you feel pressured to do so

10. Keep It Simple

    • Stop over explaining

    • Practice saying 1 sentence under pressure and wait for the persons’ reaction

    • Try not to mind read others. Ask them instead. Wait for the answer.

    • Double the trouble, double the work: Spiraling in your own mind. Spiraling and worrying what others think of you.

11. Compassion

    • Meet yourself with compassion and love 

    • Simply say, “I hear you. This is hard. I am learning to love you.”

    • “Even though I feel x, I deeply and completely accept myself. 

12. Apologize Less

    • No need to say I’m sorry all the time

    • Don’t apologize if you didn’t do anything worth apologizing for

13. Gratitude

    • Say thank you more often

    • Even if it feels strange to receive gifts, love, affection, just say thank you.

    • Or if it’s too hard, again, try starting with: “I’m learning to say thank you and it’s really hard. I really appreciate your gift. Thank you”

14. Practice & Repeat

    • We are what we practice 

    • Have a daily practice everyday where you get out of your head and into your body

    • The healing work is long, difficult, nonlinear, and for most people, valuable, useful, and effective

Trauma Resources

• Looking for more trauma resources? Click here for a list of evidenced based trauma therapies, books, and workbooks.